Awaken

The road has always been my thinking spot. One where I can intake all of my thoughts and truly ponder them. Something about the curves ahead and what is in the rearview that soothe my soul.

As I sit here, you are with me. Wednesday is on my mind and a huge part of me is anxiously awaiting that day. The other part is telling me not to proceed with everything that is going on in my imagination. The more I try and silence that who, what, when, where and how, the louder it becomes. It then transcends into a battle between the two at which this point I am trying to weigh out the pros and cons.

The pros….I would finally get to see you. Seeing you would lead to something else. Something way greater. We would have our way with one another. I would get to see that smile that so desperately makes me weak. I would get to hear your voice. I would get to touch you. To kiss you. To hug you. To feel you. Oh how my body so desperately desires to feel you, to feel you inside of me. Just to see what it is like. The thought of being with someone else makes it hard to breathe. A huge part of me is timid, yet the other is bold and conspicuous.

The cons….I would forever be changed. Everything about me would change. I would no longer be pure, knowing only one. A moment of temporary pleasure would leave me with a lifetime of guilt. Guilt because the inner core of me would be tarnished. The inward would then be visable outwardly. I know my heart and I would not be able to contain my selfishness. I would not be able to go on acting like nothing when my whole world was shaken. My face would say it all and my demeanor would be a dead giveaway. I would think about you. I would long for you. For something that I would never have. You would have given me a beautiful moment of pleasure and in turn, an eternity of longing and void which would never be filled.

You see, my heart is not capable of such a thing. When I feel, I feel with everything that is in me. When I see, I see beyond what you portray. When you speak, I hear what isn’t spoken. When I love, I truly love hard. I’m the one that will sit with you in the darkness. I will drown so that you can breathe. I see the best in you even at your worst.

These last few weeks are a prime example and the sad part is that nothing has even occurred, yet mentally and emotionally you are here. I can’t fathom the thought of how I would be if I were to give you a part of myself that I could never get back. What would you do with it anyhow?

I would just be another page of your story and you would be multiple chapters in mine. Chapters that at this point, I don’t know how to even turn.

Directions…..detour……..speed…..destination….that is all a part of my road. No one can travel this road for me.

At the end of it all, I have to stick with every choice that I make. Will I regret letting you slip through my hands, when all I want to do is catch you and savor every moment? Probably. In fact, I am certain. But I also know that this is the right choice to make.

I’m either drinking water & green tea or I’m in the drive-thru with a Coke or a sugary coffee.

I’m either waking up with the sun and getting 63838464 things done or I’m coasting until bedtime.

I’m either an hour into the elliptical or I’m halfway through a bag of Doritos.

I’m either a mom with a bath/book/bedtime routine, or a mom locked in the bathroom hoping they’ll soon fall asleep.

I’m either a wife with the house picked up and supper ready or a wife with an unending list of complaints and needs.

I’m either a home decor project at midnight or a week behind on laundry.

I’m either passing out encouragement like candy or biting my tongue from spreading ugly.

I’m either a half pound of makeup and hairspray or I’m barefaced and not caring.

I’m a kind word. I’m silent.

I’m tired. I’m vibrant.

I’m so sure. I’m torn.

I’ve won. I’m failing.

I’m always smiling—sometimes genuinely, and sometimes to hide how I’m really feeling.

I’m always thinking—of all the good things, or sometimes it’s just pure worry.

I’m always needing—more time in the day to celebrate, or an end to all the madness and monotony.

I ride a fine line between self-improvement and self-deprecation

And I often wake up wondering

which side of the line

I miss you. I miss everything about you.

I miss the way that you looked into my eyes. Not only when we were making love but when you would glace at me across the way. I miss you holding me in your arms and the feeling that overcame every fiber of my being. If I am still enough, I can still feel the overwhelming comfort and security that your arms provided me with. I miss sitting next to you on the couch, resting my head upon your shoulder and feeling like I was enough for you. I miss you rubbing your fingers across my back as I laid in your lap. I miss you spanking me as I was washing dishes or cooking dinner, walking by saying “dang, that ass though”. I miss you snapping pictures of me when I didn’t know it. Breathtaking pictures. Pictures of life’s most precious moments. Like the ones where I am nursing the baby or taking a nap from being awake with a sick child all night. The ones where I am reading to the kids or wresteling on the floor.

I miss you writing me post-it notes with a saying like “you are so beautiful”, “I love you”, “To me, you are perfect”, “thank you for being the amazing woman you are”.

I miss you making a trip to the store and coming back home with my favorite candy bar or chips just in case I wanted something. I miss the unexpected flowers or text throughout the day. I miss your help and feeling like we are a team. I miss my go to, my friend, my confident.

I miss the deep conversations we once had. The ones where we could talk for hours yet it felt like minutes. I miss your slow kisses where I actually felt your passion. I miss the butterflies that would come at the bare thought of you. I miss our nights that turned into mornings.

Do you miss me? Do you feel the distance? Do you feel the complacency of our daily lives? Do you see the pain in my eyes and can you hear the silence of my words?

Unfortunately, we cant. And that breaks my heart in a million pieces. Every single time, a trillion times over.

So for today, I will honor you and remember the good times, and the bad ones. I will smile and not be sad. I will not let grief creep in today. I will think of you and what you meant to me and I will choose love. I will remember the sound of your voice and cry a tear of happiness. Happiness because you gave us a wonderful life and I couldn't have been blessed with a more caring, gentle mother. I will read your letter that you wrote to me and I will sigh and whisper "I love you".

Rest Easy momma! Until we meet again, I will hug you from afar with my heart.

In the stillness of the night, you are here. You're the first thought that comes to the surface at the end of my day. In the busyness of daylight when my to do list is at an utmost high, you are here, in the back of my mind.

How? This is fucking crazy. All.of.it.

How does one even get in my mind the way that you have? A million advances I have shut down, nor dared to entertain. A million different ways and I didnt even acknowledge one.

Yet with you, you are ever present in my mind.

I ask myself if it was your words? Your smile? Your voice? Your attention? I cant quite pinpoint it.

What I do know is that this is fucking insane.

I'm trying to keep the thought of you at bay. Trying to bury it. Trying to forget. Yet, you.are.still.there.

Again, why? Are you the sin that cant trap me?

Is it you? Or is it I? Is the reason that I want you so bad because I know that this is wrong? Or is it because you have gotten into my mind with your seductive, enticing, flattering words?