hi as someone who has experienced what you are going through, everything is elevated and feels like life or death when you are 16. when you get older, hormones calm down, and things start to get a little easier. im not saying thats the only reason you feel this way but it definitely is contributing.
i wanted to kms for all of my childhood and still even now at age 24. it doesnt go away, but it gets easier. when you can, seek therapy. try as many times as you can until you get it right. go outside and experience the beauty of nature, journal, meditate, feel the sun on your skin, create and love with all of your heart. i promise this helps.
also be safe online, because there are people who will read your vent post and use vulnerable information about you to try and get closer to you to take advantage of you. the internet is a public space and we both know that public spaces are perfect for predators lurking in plain sight. be careful with your emotions and honor them by giving them to people who genuinely care about you.
if you are still in high school, speak to a school counselor, it helped me out a lot too.
i hope this brings you some semblance of hope and peace. keep going. sending you love from whereever you are.
(https://everbetherapy.com/blog/how-to-stop-hating-myself)
thank you anon! Ive seeked therapy before but i keep getting kicked out of therapy for whatever reason. Any support group or person that I have had has dogged on me and whatnot which is kinda why i cant stop drawing stuff about SH because its the only way i can act off my harm urges (and it doesnt work anyway) I also try to sexualize and romanticize the problems I have & my slf hrm addiction so that i can think that "hey, i may be mutilating myself and stuff, but atleast some people in the world think thats hot, and maybe having scars wont be so bad when peoppe will thirst over it" which unfortunately isnt a reality, ive only ever had people irl treat my whole slf hrm lingo like it was something weird or crazy. I just dont think its that big of a deal because theres other people out there who are going way deeper than I am so I dont understand why people are so worried about me doing it, I have only ever been hopitalized for it once anyway
Also, ive spoken to a counselor, but last time I did they tried to send me to a hospital and they called an emergency ambulance to come pick me up from school. I learned my lesson to not ever talk about anything to anyone outside from that day because all everyone does IRL is overreact. When I ran away to off myself and whatnot, everyone was acting like I was crazy or something for doing it & people were even crying after the police arrested me and put me in an ambulance. I just think its such an overreaction especially since I wasn't even able to do what I was planning.
About the whoke "go outside and explore nature" thing; I hate bugs, I hate getting sunburnt all the time, and I hate moving in general. Ive kinda just been laying in my bed for 2 weeks and doing nothing else. Its like, why do anything if im gonna die soon anyway, you know???
also, thank you anon, i forgot to say that, and i hope you have an amazing day!!
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