* Stars are only visible in darkness *

Warriors by Imagine Dragons July 14th 2022 in Mönchengladbach

It was such a dream to finally hear this song live! Warriors is one of the songs that got me into the band and I was listening to it a lot when I was about 13/14 years old. I’ve always loved this song especially because of it’s power and sound. And it was even better live! Platz was amazing on the drums, there was fire and I could sing my soul out.

Imagine Dragons in Mönchengladbach July 14th 2022

I have been feeling numb this past week. I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression, but this past week I have spent my days in bed and drowning myself in music. I didn’t even feel joy when my favorite band, Imagine Dragons, released their new album. I am a massive fan and their music is a big comfort for me, but I just felt nothing while listening to the new songs? I was even desperate enough that I wanted so badly to feel sad or angry, but instead I just felt nothing. Now, a few days later, I feel numb but it has shifted a little to also feeling sad. And able to write this post.

When I don’t feel numb I feel scared. I’m so, so scared of the future. I am finishing my school currently and after I am supposed to start working.

My whole life I have dreamt of working with horses, they have made me happy my whole life, even if it was bad, I always had my horses to brighten my day. But now I am finishing my equine school after 3 years and I am getting my dergee. But this school has made me realize that, probably, I don’t want to work in this world. So many of these people are so horrible, towards people and horses, and I don’t want to be involved in that, even though I still love horses and I still want a future in it.

So now that I’ve got that figured out I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. Sure, I could get a simple job to start with and see how it goes, but that is a big and very scary step for me to take. I have social anxiety and it is crippling to think about starting a job, which I don’t know if I’m going to like, or if the people are going to like me. I have a lot of trouble befriending people and getting people to like me, even though I KNOW I am a good and nice person. People just see me being nice, but never want to actually be friends with me. So there is also the part of me feeling lonely and having trouble with self image.

So now my parents are starting to pressure me about getting a job too. But I’m so scared of the future that I feel no desire at all to think and let alone talk about it. So I’ve been avoiding talking with them about it. But last night they confronted me in a way that I couldn’t simply escape. And the thing is, my mom is nice about all of this and likes a nice approach, but my dad, who values working hard, does not want to be nice about it. So I got angry, he got angry and after I was sad. I could finally cry again. That was the shift between me only feeling numb, to me feeling numb or sad. My parents do really want to help, but they just don’t understand and there is no way to make them understand either. I don’t want to try, I’m also scared of talking how I’ve been feeling, they don’t understand depressive thoughts and anxiety like this.

I just want to be happy, is that really too much to ask?

So now I’m back to listening to Imagine Dragons and twenty øne piløts, they both bring me loads of comfort and even though their music sometimes makes me feel sad too, feeling sad is better than feeling nothing. |-/

If anyone read this whole vent, thank you. I don’t think this is going to add anything to your life or help you in anyway, but for me it feels a little better to have my thoughts out there.

So today I read up on as much of the storyline and 'lore' I could get my hands on! And let me tell you, I was blown away. Blown away by the meaning literally every little thing has. Blown away by the extensive research this fandom has been doing to figure everything out. And most of al so blown away by how smart and creative Tyler and Josh are. Tyler created a whole fictional world to represent his struggles to help himself, but also to help others. He is so smart, how he ties everything together in the songs and pictures them in the videos.

Personally I am very visual with everything and I need to picture stuff in my mind. These music videos and the explenations and thoughts behind all the songs have helped me understand so much more about this music! It helped me understand and it has also made me feel so much more when listening to tøp. It helps me feel understood and it helps me see and visualise struggles easier and it might help me find a way out in the future. I can't wait to see more of tøp live and to see what they have in store for us, for both the music and the storyline.

Twenty øne piløts at Pinkpop last night! Shy Away x I’m Not Okay by MCR 😍

A shame to only be able to upload one video per post, but this was incredible! My first time seeing tøp live and it did not disappoint <3 Holding On To You, Car Radio, Trees, Jumpsuit, Saturday, it was all amazing!

Next time I’d rather go to a concert than a festival, but I was lucky enough to get a decent spot in this enormous crowd of people.

Spoilers for season 2!

LOVED Geralt and Ciri’s chemistry together, it was better than I expected it’d be.

Yennefer was nicer too, this season. I didn’t like her too much before, but she gets better lol

I was happy throughout the whole of episode two, Kaer Morhen. It was great to learn more about it and about the other witchers. And it was nice seeing them all being some kind of disfunctional family together, especially with Vesemir and the father-son relationship he and Geralt have!

Today i watched 13 episodes of 9-1-1. It was worth it. Buck is cute, Eddie is hot, and they haven’t put out one fire in the two seasons I’ve watched so far. I am excited for what’s to come. What definitely will not come are my homework assignments.

R.I.P. my education. And yet I am thriving, on fictional characters and their drama.

I just rewatched Sense8 for the third time. One of my favorite and probably one of the most underrated shows.

This show is just so goddamn good. They have great characters with so much diversity, an amazing concept and storyline and this show is just filled with love, emotions and great relationships.

It represents so much and so many different nationalities, religions, sexualities and this is honestly what this world needs to see and to learn more about.

How do they cancel a show like this and make season upon season for trashy shows like Riverdale? How do they not see? I know it’s all about the numbers and about views, but I think that if they put in a little more effort they would’ve had more views, or I don’t know...

I needed to get this off my chest I guess. Rewatching just shook something loose and I needed to share it. Maybe it is because I wish I had relationships and friendships like they have in the show. That is what makes life worth it.