paulina is in distress

Walked into the party already high as fuck. It was barely eleven o’clock. Anyway, people hadn’t arrived yet, so we decided to help our friends with the preparations of the party. It was Linda, Frida, Valentina, Jocelyn (who’s not really a friend but more of an acquaintance) and us, Nicole and I. We started by making the drinks and cutting some little things that we were supposed to put on people who were wearing uniform-like clothes. Then because I was high as fuck, Frida tried to kiss me and because I was high as fuck I backed away from her. Which was a mistake I would later very much regret.

I don’t really remember the sequence of events but I remember bits and pieces. I remember sitting outside alone and hearing a conversation about how Jocelyn and her girlfriend were gonna steal some money from Campa, I remember going upstairs and laying down on Ariel’s bed while I knew that Nicole was downstairs kissing some dude and thinking how much of a loser I was that I had never actually kissed anyone, like actually kissing, because I wanted to and they wanted to as well. Reliving this is making me really sad and I’m actually thinking about my lack of romantic interactions in real life.

Anyway, I was high as fuck laying down on Ariel’s bed and I heard some disturbances outside. Campa (who was actually the person who was supposed to be making the drinks and cutting the things) had finally arrived, drunk as fuck, raging at everyone, being a menace. She started knocking on the bathroom door or pounding on the bathroom door. I was like: what the actual fuck is happening outside? So, I come out and Linda and some guy come out of the bathroom, apparently, they were about to have sex in there and Campa was really angry about it. Because Campa always tries to hook up with her ex at parties and the other organizers of the party had forbidden her from having sex at any party. I was high as fuck and went downstairs to find my friends, I stumbled into Nicole and Valentina, and I was laughing and telling them what had happened. Valentina was also angry but with Campa. She said that Campa had done nothing for the party, had arrived past one am drunk as fuck, which both of those were true, and had forbidden them from entering to the upstairs part of the house because “they weren’t organizers”.

I was more of an organizer than she was, like I literally stood on the doors letting people in and out and charging them for the cover. And where was she? Who the fuck knows, fucking bitch it’s been a year and I still fucking hate her, oh my fucking God.

Anyway, so she gets into a crazy argument with Linda in which everyone is trying to calm her down, she’s like raging. So, we go upstairs and into the bathroom where Linda and Frida are. Linda is crying and stuff and Nicole goes to hug her, and then I see her and because I’m high as fuck, I start crying with her while Valentina and Frida are trying to calm me down. Then they order me out of the bathroom and Nicole comes with me and we sit on the curb while I calm down. When everyone is finally calm, we go into Ariel’s room and we sit and chat. By this hour the drugs are wearing off, kinda, not really. Anyway, so we’re sitting and chatting and then from outside we hear this agitating, grating voice. It was Campa complaining about the bathroom not being a MOTEL. We all hear this and Nicole goes out to confront her. Campa is trying to fight Nicole as fuck and so I try to defend her because, of course I will. Valentina takes my hand and she’s like “Paulina, don’t do this. Don’t get involved”. But I’m still crying so I just say, “She’s my friend, I can’t just let her fight on her own”.

Thirty minutes later, everyone is friends again. Linda and Valentina left, Frida also left, Jocelyn left with her girlfriend, and we are the only people who we know left in the party. I’m begging Nicole to leave but she’s trying to go dance and I’m like I don’t wanna dance, I don’t even wanna be around Campa, who is being such a pick me hanging around two guys whom she probably doesn’t know. Nicole is trying to get some guys who look exactly alike, twins, to give her some instant ramen that they cooked. Keep in mind that the climate in our city is hot as fuck and humid as fuck and the house, which has air conditioning everywhere was small considering there’s at least two hundred people inside. OK, maybe not so many. But it’s gross, the floor is sticky, my throat is hoarse, it smells like broth because of the ramen, I am tired from crying and being high, and this bitch Nicole is trying to get back to the dance floor.

We finally leave and get to my house. I’m scared because my eyes are red as fuck and I think my mom is going to yell at us or something. But when we get there, she’s fast asleep. She didn’t even realize that I was gone probably, until I woke her up to tell her I arrived. Anyway, Nicole is not as high as me but for some reason she can’t speak and she’s just mumbling incoherences, I’m telling her to shut up and go to sleep and she just won’t. We finally go to sleep and we wake up fucked as fuck.

needed to get this off my chest before the sleeping pills kick in so i’m sorry for typos

we’re surrounded by a rose garden, i’m on the ground, laying down and facing the sky, with a hand across my belly and the other holding a book up to my face.

i catch a glance of her, she’s sitting on the bench behind me, immersed in this book, not even the sky around her seemed to want to disturbed her because it moved in slow motion, and so did her magical, bright, red hair, falling in curls and waves all around her neck and shoulders.

she keeps reading it, and i keep watching her.

i roll my body belly down and continue watching her, now i’m not even pretending to read. just straight up looking at her and smiling.

she’s unmoving, so lovely.

i craw to her feet and lay my head on them, then i close my eyes and fall asleep. i feel safe, she cares for me.

when i wake up, she’s put me to bed and covered me with a light green and lavender quilt she’s been making for our bed.

she’s not on bed or anywhere else around me, so with sleepy eyes i trust that she’s gone out to fetch bread or tea.

it’s just-

i really believed i had it and i had all the symptoms and another psychiatrist diagnosed me with it. like, it was real; i really did have it.

then i went and did a psicological evaluation and they said you do have a deficit in you attention but you don’t have adhd.

so what that means is: i don’t actually have anything.

and i feel so stupid.

i’ve been taking methylphenidate for months and it has helped me so much. i get things done, im organized i can actually read a book now, i have so much patience, i dont find crowded and loud spaces extremely overstimulating, i don’t feel the need to constantly eat or do something and i can actually relax.

so why did i think i needed it? what is making me experience all these adhd-like symptoms? what is my problem?

i just wanted something to blame for the way that i was, i just wanted a cause for being always so tired, for forgetting things, for zoning out, for not being able to listen, for being un-careful, for being impulsive, for being too much for my peers, for not being able to sleep at night or at all until i was exhausted.

i thought, i really thought, i don’t know why i did but i did and now.

Thank you to everyone who got me to 250 likes!

Like, yeah, Winnifred dresses kinda weird but that’s just her style; and she doesn’t know how to use a phone or a tv or anything created after the lightbulb but that’s just because her parents were hippies.

She loves this sense of normalcy even if it isn’t normal at all so she just pretends. She can walk through walls, she can’t grab any objects and sometimes in the right lighting is transparent but she just kinda doesn’t do anything at all but sit and talk with him.

Mind you, they spend hours together and he’s just never actually thought about how her mom never acknowledges Winnifred whenever she walks in the front door. He does think it’s kinda rude but his mom is always kinda rude with people she doesn’t really know that well, she’ll get around to Winnifred.

here’s some other things i do not understand. sexism, like why do you think women are inferior to men? if you think about it we’re all human, like we all share the same brain capacity because we evolved at the same time so it’s strange that people think women are mentally handicapped when compared to men. i personally think i am smarter than most men.

perfectionism, nothing is perfect, this is the epitome of humanness, everyone looks different and everyone thinks differently so why do you want things to fall right into the same place? why do you want things to be the way you picture them in your head? there’s nothing in your life that is perfect, look outside your grades, your projects, your relationships. doesn’t everything look chaotic? you cannot stop the chaos, let it happen.

heterosexuality/homosexuality, no fucking way you only like one person and specifically because they have a p or v, it’s crazy. how do you cope with that? can’t you look past that and far beyond what they look like?