The Seal Crumbles

Patient: Hey Jay. This is my boyfriend. I think we are ready to go.

Me: *in my head* dear lord I am helping my patient get it on tonight.

Me: * in ADL room* Alright. A couple of rules before you have sex. 1) Keep it in bed. No ones body parts hanging off the bed. I want none of you falling 2) No lifting anyone. 3) No weird positions where any of you can get hurt. 4) Keep it low key. The walls are not sound proof and even though you are outside the main unit people passing by might be able to hear you. 5) Per policy I have to check on you hourly to make sure you are okay. So if you hear the door open then it will either be me or the charge nurse. The only people who have access to this room are nurses and doctors. And this room is rarely used at night to begin with. 6) If anything happens or you are done, there is a call light there. Tug the cord and I will come check on you. Here are a few condoms and a tube of lube.

Patient: Thanks Jay. I really appreciate it.

Patient boyfriend: Yeah. Thanks.

Me: You’re welcome.

I checked on them twice and luckily they took no notice of me. I just opened the door and listened for movement. Heard movement and a little moaning so I left without a word.

Roughly 2 and half hours later they called me saying they were ready to go back to his room.

Patient: Thanks again for everything.

Me: *to charge in a low voice* Hey, my patient wants have sex with his boyfriend when he comes tonight.

Charge: Okay. Prep the ADL room and make sure it’s clean for them.

Me: What? That’s it? No questions or anything?

Charge: It’s happened before. I’ve found that if you stop them they will just do it in the patient bed. At least the ADL room is a king bed. Just make sure you tell them to be careful and not be too rough. Definitely no carrying anyone or getting out of the bed.

Me: We don’t need a doctors order or anything?

Charge: He is GBS with mild weakness. If he was spinal cord then we would.

Me: I’m afraid to ask if we have condoms.

Charge: In the locked drawer in the ADL room. Your badge should work.

Me: Cool thanks. This is so weird.

Me: *To patient* Alright. Charge wants you to be in the ADL room. It’s a king bed and I’ll have to go over some rules with the both of you. And yes we have condoms.

Patient: Thanks Jay. I knew you were the person to ask.

Me: Just let me know when you plan to go at it so I can go over the rules.

On the rehab unit we have lubricant to help make it easier when we perform digital stimulation and inserting a suppository.

I am taking care of a gay patient who is on our unit for Guillain Barre. He has been on our floor for a while and this convo between us ensues.

Patient: Hey Jay. My boyfriend is planning to visit me tonight. He took a red eye from Washington.

Me: Sweet. Yeah I got that in report. Do you know what time?

Patient: His flight just landed and he’s taking an Uber here once he gets his luggage.

Me: Okay. I’ll keep on eye out for him.

Patient: Jay. Can you come close the door? I want to ask you something.

Me: Yeah. What’s up?

Patient: Is there anyway I can get some packets of lube you guys use when you insert the suppositories?

Me: Uhhhh I can. Do you need them now?

Patent: Just when you have a chance. But for sure when my boyfriend gets here. Also do you guys have condoms on the unit?

Me: *Realizes were all this is headed* Okay. I have to ask. Are you planning on having sex tonight?

Patient: *A little embarrassed* Yeah it’s been months since we last saw each other. And I had a clean out today so I’m ready.

Me: Okay. I’m going to have to clear this with my charge nurse to make sure this would be okay. The issue I’m having with this is that patients beds are single beds and there is going to be two of you doing a lot of movement. I don’t want either of you having a fall.

The event occurred in three parts and luckily I had time to type out what I remembered from the conversation inbetween.

Wow. I havent been on here in months. Looks like its still active as the day I left it, I think.

Giving report to AM Nurse:

Me: So we are trying to get the patient to eat more and he asked for a snack this morning. My tongue slipped and I accidentally offered him chocolate ice cream at 6 am.

AM: So hes eating ice cream right now?

Me: Yeah. You should have seen how fast he said yes to that.

AM: The patient.....is eating......ice cream.....at 7 in the morning?

Me: Yes. But its okay because patient is 6 feet tall and is only 100 pounds. He was told to eat more fatty foods anyway.

AM: He didnt want whole milk and cereal or something else until the breakfast tray comes?

Me: I mean.....He has graham crackers and ice cream. So its sort of the same? The milk is just frozen and has extra sugar?

*Tells him the patients history as to why he is 100 lbs and how much he ate for dinner*

Back in March, during my preceptorship, I performed my first sternal rub on a patient who I thought was not breathing. 

This patient was wheelchair bound with no expectations of walking again due to the extent of his injury.

*Walks into patient room to give meds and sees him asleep*

Me *a little louder than I normally talk to wake him up*: Hey *patient* I have some meds I want to give you.

Patient: * No response*

Me * Pokes patient in the deltoid hard*: Patient you okay?

Patient: *still nothing*

Me: *looks for chest rise and starts shaking shoulders* patient? Patient?

Me* in head*: Dear lord the easiest and most promising patient on the unit somehow died on my care. Crap and I don't have a radio to call a code. Great -__-

Me: * Does a sternal rub as a last resort*

Patient * jolts awake and looks at me like nothing happened*: Oh hey. What's up?

Me: My blood pressure, pulse and anxiety.

Patient: * Laughs* What? Why?

*tells him what happened*