1:01 in the morning

It’s taken me years to realize that I consistently get depressed every summer. I want to be out doing things and hanging out with friends, but I always end up being unable to do anything but lay in bed and sleep all day. The truth is, summer depression is a lot more common than you might think. Summer depression is actually part of SAD, or seasonal affective disorder. SAD typically affects people during winter, but if you live in an area closer to the equator it’s more common to experience summer SAD. Personally, I have lived in Florida for almost my entire life. We don’t really have winter here, so it’s more common to get summer depression.

I’ve probably gotten depressed every summer for the past five or six years. I find summer depression especially hard with our access to social media. When I see that other people are out doing things, hanging out with friends, and generally just being happy I get even more depressed. I feel like something is wrong with me, I feel left out, yet I cannot get myself out of bed. Social media can be pretty detrimental to your mental health, so if you already have SAD or any other type of mental illness, I highly recommend trying to turn yourself away from social media. Here are some things that have helped me get off my phone and get out of my summer depression in the past:

-Take care of yourself! Monitor how much water you’re drinking, keep a food diary, and exercise. Once I started doing these things I found myself on a schedule for working out and I was too preoccupied with these activities to let my thoughts spiral. Additionally, exercising helps release endorphins that will make you feel great.

-Start a hobby. Last summer I started this blog as a way to find something to do amidst my depression. I forced myself to keep up with it over the summer, at some point I had a regular posting schedule (I don’t anymore, oops!). There’s lots of things you can do that might even relax you while you’re doing it. I like to paint a lot in the summer, as I find it extra relaxing. My step mom knits, my brothers play video games, and we all read regularly. Basically, keep yourself busy!

-Talk to someone! It helps to talk to someone consistently about anything and everything. You can talk to a therapist, your parents, a friend. I personally like talking to my friends on the phone, I try to call someone at least once a week just to catch up (I know that requires a phone, but it’s only once a week). However, if you’re realizing you might have summer SAD, you should see a medical professional. If you’re having trouble finding a way to pay for it, or your parents don’t help with your mental health, talk to me. I’ll try to help you find someone.

Really, there’s so much you can do that might help with summer depression. These are just some examples of what has worked for me in the past. Everybody is different, and maybe you need to do something else. If you consistently get depressed every summer, I highly recommend talking to your doctor or a therapist. They are actual medical professionals that can help you get through your summertime depression, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here! You’re not in this alone, even if you think you are. There are people everywhere that will be there for you, and even if you’re a stranger, that includes me. I hope you feel better soon!

I know, I know. It’s been a while, I’m sorry! It’s been a busy and stressful couple of months. It didn’t occur to me how difficult my first year of college would be. My first semester was a mess, my anxiety was all over the place. It’s taken several months, I think since November, to finally feel...”normal.” Or at least as normal as I’ve ever felt. I’ve been on several different medications in the past few months. One of them made me angry all the time, one of them made me fall asleep, one of them made me shake chronically. I’ve finally found one that actually works, and I feel so good. I feel like how I assume people without mental illness usually feel.

Of course, I still have my moments. In an incredibly stressful situation in an organization I’m apart of, certain individuals were barraging myself and some other members of my team. This went on for two hours, and eventually these individuals triggered an anxiety attack. Considering the medicine I’m on works so well, it takes a lot to get me that worked up, but these individuals managed to do that and one of them even smiled upon noticing what they did to me.

It occurred to me that, of course, I could make this situation an example. I could approach student disability services and ask them for advice, I could hold the entire organization accountable for these individuals actions, I could approach my student newspaper about this. However, part of me knows that this would do nothing but torture people who had nothing to do with this situation. Still, people need to understand that inducing an anxiety attack is not under any circumstances “okay.” Some day those of us with mental illness will be able to take action against people who, in some cases, purposefully aggravate our mental illness. Unfortunately, today nothing can be done. I will still make sure to educate people on the importance of maintaining a professional, calm, and level-headed demeanor, especially within such an important organization at the school I attend. I will make sure that this cannot happen again. People should not act so unprofessionally that they induce an anxiety attack or aggravate my mental illness. I refuse to let these people have power over me simply because my biology is different from their own.

I refuse to let certain individuals tear me down, and I refuse to let my mental illness make me vulnerable to these types of situations.

If those individuals are reading this post, I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you act in such a way—however you must understand how seriously your behavior affected me, and how seriously unprofessional that was of you. I do not blame you for being so upset, not a single person in that room was happy at all, nor should they have been. And you may have been happy that you got to me, that you exploited my biology to break me. But I want you to know you broke me for a day, not a lifetime. I’ve had this disease since I was a child, I’ve been through worse. I’ve just never had someone, in what is supposed to be a professional setting, manage to induce an anxiety attack. You seemed proud to have been able to do that, so sure, applaud yourself. Pat yourself on the back. It is only a reflection of yourself.

Also, thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

Back to the post—I will be posting regularly all summer and I can’t wait to have something to look forward to every week. I love this blog, and many of you reached out to me personally for help with your own mental illnesses. I appreciate that, and to those of you who feel like you should reach out to somebody about it, I would be honored to be that person. I won’t try to diagnose you, as I’m obviously not any type of professional. However, I’ve been where you are. I’ve been unsure about what’s wrong with me, and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it without being judged. You can talk to me, and I promise to have an open mind and help you in any way possible. I promise you are not in this alone. You may feel broken today, but you are not broken forever. Trust me when I say that it does get better.

Despite what happened the other day, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I’m content with my life. A year ago today I was in the deepest depression of my life. I survived, and today I’m the happiest I’ve been in my entire life. Your situation will change, and I’ll be glad to help you.

If you need to talk, email me at [email protected] or message me on instagram @mya.horak

I don’t keep notifications on for instagram, which I’ve mentioned before on this blog (because social media is terrible for your mental health). However, I promise to check instagram every day for those of you who feel the need to reach out.

It gets better, I promise.

It has been very difficult to find time to write on this blog, mostly because I kind of lost my shit a few weeks ago. Around week four all my classes were assigning like two assignments per week and they were due one day after the other, and I was really starting to break mentally. Part of me thought that after getting through this depression, everything would go away, but that’s not the case. My anxiety has officially come back just as strong as before, and I was trying to ignore this reality. I spent about a month trying not to cry from the mixture of being homesick, stressed about having to do everything on my own, and stressed from classes (amongst other things). And finally, this Monday (an especially bad day) I finally just cried. After crying you get this sense of relief. Like letting everything go. I remembered what it was like to not bottle up my emotions, to let pain wash away through tears (a cliche, but honestly very true). And it’s nice! However, about two weeks ago, when the anxiety was starting to get really bad, I decided to go back to therapy.

If you’ve read my blog before you know I don’t love therapy. I don’t care for talking to a stranger about my problems, and I don’t even think I’ll be able to go regularly because my school has a stupid policy about only having one-on-one therapy 12 times in your four years. (I understand they need to tend to all the students, but 12 times/year seems more reasonable. Especially since the Wellness Center has admitted to being underused, specifically the mental health services). So, I went. I had an appointment with a nice lady named Caroline, who did my intake appointment and is now officially my designated therapist. It was an interesting experience.

They had me take a survey on the computer beforehand so they could get an idea of what kind of mental illness they were looking for. Obviously generalized anxiety was the highest, with a little depression, eating issues, and social anxiety tied into the mix. She had me explain why I came, share my issues that showed up from my survey (to the extent I felt comfortable, which wasn’t very much). She was nice, but I’ve found myself holding things back that I don’t feel comfortable sharing. There’s no point in holding back though, I’m sure she’s dealt with much more serious situations than mine, and she won’t judge me (she has pride flags up everywhere, along with art from artists with disabilities). There’s just part of me that feels this need to hold back. The exact reason I don’t love therapy. Honestly, next time I’m considering talking about going back on pills. I don’t love being dependent on them (you can see this post), however if I find something that works for me, then I won’t have to rely on my remaining, what, 10 therapy sessions?

That’s not to say I don’t think therapy is a good thing. It works well for so many people, millions of people find it helpful and can share their deepest thoughts and feelings with what is essentially a stranger. I am just not one of those people, and I’m still going to use my resources and attend a few more sessions, maybe learn some more CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and healthy coping mechanisms, but in all honestly I know the healthy coping mechanisms. I’ve been to therapy before, and I just know what they’re going to tell me at this point. For me they’ve all given very similar advice, so I feel like it’s a waste of time (again, for me personally). My issue is that I need time. I feel like I don’t have enough time for anything. I’m at class, if I’m not at class I’m talking to my girlfriend, if I’m not doing either of those I’m doing homework. I need to find time to do things I really like to do that are also coping mechanisms. I need time to write on this blog. I don’t know where all this time is supposed to suddenly come from. I want to do yoga, but yoga classes are only every Monday and Wednesday (and with how stressed I am I should really being doing like an hour of yoga everyday). I want to take a nap (something I can only do every once in a while). I want to sit in silence and cry or do a face mask or paint. I just need time for self care, and I can’t find any.

And that’s my problem to solve, and it’s a hard problem to solve. Going to therapy isn’t going to help me get my shit together and schedule every minute of every day so I have some time for self care, no. I need to sit down and figure this shit out on my own. I need to go home and hug my parents and my cats for a little bit.

So in case you’re wondering, yeah, college is hard. It’s hard on your mental state even though I have more free time than ever before I feel like none of that free time is me time. I’m struggling, and by the looks of it it seems like everyone else is, too. At least I’m not in it alone. That’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed college so far, I’m just struggling a little bit. And for me, I’ve always had that issue. I felt like I never had time to myself in high school. I get five minutes (in high school AND now) to myself total. And I’m not trying to say I don’t love the people in my life, they aren’t bothering me. I’m just a little overwhelmed, so if you don’t hear from me for a day, I just need the day the recuperate.

Anyway, happy mental health day. Don’t pull a me and stress yourself out by not letting yourself have any free time. Give yourself a break and STUDENTS: GRADES ARE NOT AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. Take care of yourself. (None of this ‘drink water!’ bullshit, take a fucking break. Take a nap, do a face mask, paint something, go to the gym. Take some me time). Take a break, midterms are almost over and remind yourself of your self worth. You’re more than your grades.

P.S. Life updates: my cat died, my moms moving, I’m somehow making straight A’s, I joined the judicial branch of my student government, my friends in college are better and more genuine and caring than any of my friends from high school (sorry if you’re reading this friends from high school), I’m back with Rachel (if you know you know), and overall I need a 24 hour nap. Also today was wing wednesday so at least there’s that. Also I love my roommates.

Anyway, take care of yourself. Talk about mental illness, normalize it. Don’t romanticize it. Feel free to drop a message in my inbox.

I’ve been at college now for three and a half weeks. I moved in a week early, so I’ve only had classes for two weeks and a day (because of labor day). In my time here at my wonderful school, I’ve gotten to talk to several people about mental illness. In public! Sometimes in private, but almost always in groups.

Here’s the thing, though. Not everyone in the group will struggle or understand mental illness. It’s interesting to listen and talk to someone else who’s struggled with mental illness issues, often very similar to my own, but one thing I’ve started to do is watch how other people (who may or may not relate, understand, or believe in mental illness) react to what we’re talking about.

I get the feeling, and I’m probably right about it, that people don’t like talking about mental illness.

Sometimes they don’t like it because they don’t know a lot about the topic, or because they can’t relate. That’s fine, if it doesn’t apply to you then it doesn’t matter to you. However, more likely than not you will have a friend or significant other who struggles with mental illness. You don’t have to pay attention to us when we talk about mental illness, it’s okay if you don’t, if you’re just not interested in it. But I think you should learn basic things about mental illness for the simple fact that there is a huge chance you or someone you know may suffer. (Fun fact, according to the World Health Organization 1 in 4 people will be affected by one at some point in their lives).

Sometimes people don’t like talking about mental illness because they don’t believe in it. I’m not going to touch on this because this topic can get incredibly offensive very quickly. Cultural and religious beliefs are different for everyone, and I’m not going to force anyone to believe in it. However, you should respect those who study it, understand it, and struggle with it. If I don’t judge you for not believing in mental illness, you shouldn’t judge me for having it and talking about it.

Sometimes people don’t like talking about mental illness because it makes them uncomfortable. I understand, really, I do. I’ve been in conversations about sex, religion, and other topics that make me uncomfortable. There’s two approaches you can take to this: stay and listen and learn about not only mental illness but what your friends have experienced, or leave. Really, it’s okay. Just make an excuse or if your friends are understanding, tell them talking about it makes you uncomfortable. It doesn’t make you a bad person for not being comfortable listening about something that either applies to you (but makes you uncomfortable/triggers you to talk about) or doesn’t (and makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason). Just don’t be an asshole. Don’t argue, don’t start telling the people who have admitted to suffering that you don’t believe in it. Talking about mental illness is tricky, it parallels talking about religion. How would you genuinely act in a conversation about religion with someone with opposing views? Would you really argue and tell them “God is real” or “God isn’t real” to get your point across? Probably not, I hope not. I’d hope you respect someone else’s equally valid point of view about something, and not argue about it.

I’m not saying you have to love mental illness, and I’m certainly not promoting the romanticism of mental illness (something that could easily be its own topic). I’m just saying that if we with mental illness have to sit through movies about evil people with mental illness, or have to listen to someone on the news or in our personal lives talk about how all people with mental illness should be locked up (something I’ve actually heard before), then why can’t we with mental illness openly talk about it? Why do we have to step on eggshells talking about something that affects most people in the world? What’s so wrong with normalizing something that is normal?

Why do I have to read tweets about people joking about anxiety, but I can’t talk about anxiety in public with somebody else who also suffers from it?

I don’t care if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about. Walk away, it’s okay. I won’t be offended. Just don’t make me feel bad for talking about it, because your tweets that romanticize depression make me uncomfortable, but I don’t say anything.

We’re all entitled to our own emotions and opinions.

Just a warning though, try to be considerate of people’s feelings.*

(*About everything. I accidentally hurt someone’s feelings because I didn’t think before I spoke, and I feel really bad about it. I wouldn’t like it if someone badmouthed my blog, so I need to think a little more before I speak. This applies to your conversations about mental illness, religion, sex, etc.)

p.s. I’m not promoting staying silent about ableist opinions. Feel free to call someone out on their bullshit, but know that what I said goes the other way too. They won’t stay silent nor show you respect if you call them out. I’m not a confrontational person (it triggers my anxiety to the absolute max, I hate arguing with people), so I won’t do it. If you can handle it, feel free! Go you!

p.p.s. Try not to pick fights with people who have a slightly different opinion than you (or pick big fights at all—unless it’s worthy of it. like racism). If you don’t agree with something I say, message me and share your opinion calmly. Show me respect, and I’ll show you respect. People can have different opinions and equally good intentions—respect each other for it. Don’t argue about the small difference, bond over your similarities. Choose your battles.

Remember, I’m always here to talk about how you’re feeling. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Message me.