S;

A couple things. First, the not so serious. 

I’ve been living with my parents for a little over a year now since the second year of my boyfriend’s ST program basically makes it impossible to work while doing the program. We decided to move our in with our parents to save money (especially since there’s no way I could support us and our two dogs on my own.) My parents are fine. They’re not perfect but they’re fine. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older though just how different I am from a lot of my family. My parents are definitely products of their time. They dont believe in therapy. I go to therapy. I’ve gone to therapy since I was a freshman in college (When I could go without them paying for it/knowing about it) I’ve recently started Trauma counseling, trying EMDR to process past traumas and maybe stop some of my more toxic/ bad habits and the cycle of abuse. (my current relationship isn’t abusive but I’m scared that I may make it toxic because thats really all i’ve known or if it fails I’ll go back to the cycle)  

I myself have had quite a few traumatic events happen in my life. In the last few years I’ve become pretty open about my mental health, hoping that it might help others (so no one will feel the way I felt, like I was alone etc) I think a lot of my family would benefit from therapy, as now that I am so open, sometimes my family will share their stories. My parents, like I said don’t believe in therapy, and now they also believe they are too old to be fixed. Especially my mom. Which, for me, is really saddening. My mom, when overwhelmed, will hit herself in the head. Which can make it hard to talk to her about anything serious because she also takes a lot of things super personally (and I cant blame her for that. I’m sensitive AF) and it sucks that she feels she, or her inner peace, is worth it at this point. I’ve found a lot of my family just doesn’t really seem to want to better themselves and would rather just say “This is how I am, take it or leave it” 

It’s exhausting to be around people who are in that sort of mindset when you’re working very hard to be better. Trying to be happy, get my anxiety/depression/PTSD under control, process traumas....

Also. some of my traumas happened in the house, or when I was teen living here. SO, sometimes just being in this house is a struggle. Being back in this room where my ex-wife tried to kick me out and pushed me to a breaking point. Being in this room where I found out my ex-wife kissed someone else while they were deployed and decided they didnt want to be with me anymore. Being in this house where I broke down shattered, screaming and crying for the world to stop spinning, and my ex-wife yelled at me, belittled me, harassed me so much over the phone I had to get my parents involved so she wouldnt speak to me again. In this house where I had to hide so much of myself, had to pretend so many things didnt happen....Its really hard being here. especially in this time of super stress, being in Quarantine and a Pandemic due to COVID-19. 

and to add on top of that, my mother has started trying to inch me out. My grandma is supposed to move in when I move out. I guess my grandma is hounding her, so in turn, she’s hounding me. Even after I have explained that COVID has messed with my boyfriends program, and my planned summer vacation. Originally he was supposed to be done in June, and we had a FL trip planned in Sept, so we’d move out after our FL trip, to save money, and hopefully not stress the dogs out. (moving to a new place and then all of a sudden your parents are gone for 8 days might be a little much for our pups). Depending on when he started, and how much money I saved, and if my coworker would be moving in with us we could possibly move in August, gives the dogs a month to adjust to their new surroundings before we would move. BUT, now....he may have to do a summer term, to make up for the lack of ST time in ORs at different hospitals, which means he wouldn’t start working in June, he may, depending on how they do their summer term, not be done with his program till July or August...and obviously he needs to work, for at least a month or two before we could move. also, we don’t know if we’ll be able to travel to FL in September, THere isnt really a point in going if Disneyworld and Universal aren’t open/fully functioning. soooo....a lot is up in the air. The added stress of my mom constantly asking when I’ll be moving out is not helping my stress level at all. It’s irking me more than I thought. I didn’t want to admit quite how much it bothers me. oi. 

Secondly, 

probably a month ago now...or a couple weeks I’m not sure (time is hard right now ya’ll) our dogs started fighting. Very suddenly. We’ve had Carbon since September 2018. Frank (Jake’s dog) and Carbon have never fought till this point. I’m not sure what changed because they both have lived with me (Frank and one of Jake’s parents’ dog dont get along, so he had to live with me) the entire time I’ve lived at my parents house...It seemed like we were making progress, we were able to have them out in the same room without any trouble for a few days recently. (previously we had been crating one, and switching them out about every 4 hours if we were both home) They do fine on walks together. they seemed to be doing okay, but then another fight happened a day or two ago...Jake’s suggestion is to remain living separate. I’ll move in with my co-worker, he’ll either move out on his own or with a roommate with Frank. 

to backtrack, Carbon is a almost 2 year old pit/lab mix. He was a rescue, I got him when he was 5 months old. He’s fairly mellow for his age, but he is 2, he’s young and playful. Frank is a 6/7 year old potato dog (he’s short, a little long and has a round/barrelesque body, supposedly a chihuahua, pug, staffy mix. He isn’t fat either, its solid mass. He’s older and grumpy. so maybe he just snapped at Carbon’s youthful shenanigans.  They both are very much daddy’s boys. they may have fought over his attention (now that they see him more, he has been basically quarantining at my house ) it’s kind of impossible to know. 

I think the only problem I seem to be running into is if Jake goes to see his other on sundays, especially if I’m just home by myself (which I know is super selfish) and spends like all day with her, I start feeling strange. I’m not sure if it’s jealousy, or what. It’s not really mad, more of a sad affect, maybe. Since Sunday’s are our only full day together.

Last Sunday he spent like 6 hours with her, so we didn’t get to do the plans we had that day. And today, he has spent all day with her yet again. This time, at least, we didn’t have plans but I’m still feeling that strange emotion that I’m not quite sure what it is. When he goes to see her during the week, I don’t get this feeling.

Maybe it’d be different if we had more days together, or maybe it’s just a time issue, I’m not sure. It’s gonna be interesting to navigate this new situation. And maybe now that I think I have my other person, maybe it’ll change? Maybe not.

Last night I figured I’d talk about some things concerning me, better to get it out now before it becomes a real problem.

I’m worried that I’m too affectionate for him. He had told me once that I was too needy and that it may be a good idea to open up our relationship in order to satisfy my needs for attention and affection. Granted when he had said that I had been stuck in the house for a month with a heart condition so my anxiety and depression were making me a seriously needy mess. But, I am a -very- affectionate person. He’s affectionate passively, a subtle hand on my thighs, or crossing our legs together, a kiss every now and then. He doesn’t tell me he loves me first, he probably wouldn’t tell me everyday if I didn’t say it to him first. Which, it makes me want to experiment with that, to see how often he’ll tell me “I love you” if I made effort not to say it. Would it be days? I went to kiss him all the time, he’s a wonderful kisser, and I also constantly like to be touching him in some way. I’ve realized most of my life I’ve been starved for attention, so I like the positive attention he gives me. The kisses, the looks, the cuddles, etc. he has said that sometimes it’s a little too much, but usually it’s fine, the only time it got really out of hand was after my hospitalization and being home and depressed for a month.

Then there’s the subject of kids. And marriage.

When Jake and I first started hanging out, I was going through a divorce and he had a girlfriend, a long term girlfriend that he’d spent the last 5 years with. I liked him a lot. But refused to acknowledge it because at the time I did want to try to work things out with my spouse and he was growing to be legitimately my best friend, one of the best friends I had ever had very quickly and I needed that friendship way more than a crush. The more we talked and hung out though, the more I realized just how wrong the relationship I was trying to fight for was. I had the lowest self esteem I had ever had. I didn’t know just how incredibly broken I had been. Jake and I also had sexual tension up the wazoo, you couldn’t feel it in the air. Jake and his girlfriend had an open relationship. We decided he would be my confidence booster, we’d have a little fun, and then I’d go one my merry way when I found someone who actually had the same end goal as I did. Jake hadn’t wanted kids, and I’ve always wanted kids. He also didn’t really want to ever get married it seemed as he straight up told his girlfriend of years that he’d never marry her. I had never understood that. So we didn’t have the same end goals, so it was never ever going to be a “real” thing. We’d bang, and then still be best friends.

Well, that didn’t go as planned. His gf had found out it was me he was fooling around with and they fought, he then broke up with her. They had been fighting a lot recently. So Jake and I were able to become a real couple. I still didn’t think it’d be long term because if the kid thing, when we first met he was veryyyy anti having kids. But then I guess I opened his mind to be on the “maybe” train. I didn’t want to change his mind if that wasn’t what he actually wanted, I was shocked. Then the hope that maybe we could really be a forever thing came into my head. Jake and I make a great team, we communicate well, rarely fight, we have fun, we are serious, and we love each other. He made a comment semi recently that he thinks he would be too selfish to have kids especially right now. He definitely doesn’t want them anytime soon and is leaning more towards “no” on the subject. Which is fine. Except that leaves me feeling very weird and anxious. I’m not needing kids anytime soon, but I do want them. I’m thinking around 30/35 somewhere in there. Jake would want to be financially stable, and I completely understand that. I’m not in a rush but, if he’s on the no train...I don’t know that I see the point in continuing our romantic relationship then. He doesn’t understand that. “If you’re not in a rush, then why be so quick to break up?” And I guess he’s never been in my shoes...he’s had only decent/good relationships. He can also remain unattached to people. He’s never been abused, he’s not depressed or anxious and he’s never been married and divorced. He also never wanted kids, and probably doesn’t care about getting married. He has no time clock. There is no timer running out for him or any sense of putting so much energy into a person, a relationship to have it crumble and then start from scratch when there -is- a timer. It takes so much out of me to build relationships, I’m shit at it. I’ve never dated someone more than a year straight other than my ex spouse and Jake. I get attached, I move quickly because I put so much into them. I’m loving and I just want to love the people I care about. I moved in with Jake within like a month of dating. That’s energy and time and effort for me that I can’t just fling around. I want to get married. I want to then live as spouses for a while, travel together, build a home..and then eventually start a family. Building that takes time, and unlike him, I do have a time limit to have kids. Sure I’ve still got 10 years but, in this economy, it may take me and my partner 10 years to be able to afford a house and kids.

I love jake. He is the easiest person for me to be around, to love, to be with, share my life with...and that makes it even harder. The longer I’m with him, the more comfortable, secure, I am with him, he makes me feel safe. And I feel like if we both don’t want the same things, it’s just going to make it harder to make that decision for me to leave and try to find someone else.

He came home with a ring on his finger that belonged to his grandfather, he had been away at the funeral. He normally doesn’t wear jewelry and isn’t a fan. I told him I liked it on him, and he did too. I made a joke about him training for his wedding ring. The look on his face...and his nervous kind of laugh as he said “whoa no, hold your horses” or something like that kind of hurt me to be honest. We’ve moved really fast in our relationship. Engagement is the next step, not that I’m rushing for that, but just the way he reacted..idk. Does he really want to be with me in the long run? In a perfect world, I’d be with him in a heartbeat forever. He’d want kids and I’d never have to make the choice.

And unfortunately I probably won’t even be able to get even a small bit of easy in this decision because as we were discussing last night, I told him if he knows he on the no train, let me know. And he was like. “I was to be financially stable and I probably won’t know till I get there, and by the time I would probably get there..you’ll be 35” so it looks like I may have to make that decision completely on my own to either stay with him or leave him. Which just sucks...