ZQuill

I'm sorry you couldn't experience the life you wished for.

You had no way of seeing how things were going to unfold

You're allowed to cry for what was lost and for what could have been

But it's going to be okay

I'm building a life that we can both enjoy for the rest of our days

We're going to be okay

I love you.

We have a chance to do better

To be better than those before us

What does that say about us when we walk away and abandon our home?

To let it all burn, and prove that they can do whatever they wish?

We've made so many wrong choices in the past

We've let our home be painted as a place of fear, divided, and worthless

Enough

Enough

We must do better .

We have to be better.

For us now, and for those who come after.

Endure Fort

Fight

There have been many sunny days, despite the storms lurking at bay.

Some days, clouds linger through and eventually, drift away.

Yet there are days where despite how sunny it is,

The rain finds its way.

.

.

There are times when it's difficult to unravel what I'm feeling in the present

I find myself tangled up in a mess of emotions from the past, fears of the future, unable to accept a lending hand for something I don't understand.

Yet, with the right strings and set of keys, music has a way of devouring the lingering mess in my head, and my world feels a little quiet once more.

.

.

Life for a period of time felt dark and a series of neverending storms

The moment I was able to come up for air and thought that I had a moment of respite, I would be knocked down again with a problem and having to navigate my way back

And for a moment, I thought I found myself on the verge of drowning.. until the tides shifted, and the storm began to change its course

Thunder rumbled low on the horizon

Lightning reached down towards the sea, pulling itself away from the shores

The storm crawled away, and the sun embraced the shores once again

The peace and warmth were unnatural

The silence was disruptive to what I had grown accustomed to, that I could never fully enjoy the warm light

It has been months since the last storm, and I eventually learned to embrace the warmth and enjoy this newfound peace

The storm still rumbles in the distance

And I find myself more than ready for when it approaches again

.

.

It starts with a thought

An unwanted one to be exact

They come in waves

Some stay a little longer than others

They start off small moments from the past few days, things you wish you said/did differently

Then they become darker

They crash through and scatter in my mind, dark, horrid scenarios, memories too heavy to bring into the light, and

How do I make it stop? They tell me to take deep breaths, but it's difficult when you are gasping for air, pushing your way through this intrusive wave, hoping that the next day, I can just float amongst more pleasant memories.

They become worse the more time has passed. Paralyzing, daunting, empty..feelings of emptiness begin to arise, why do I feel empty when I have everything I need?

What is missing?

9/4/23

Some days, I think it was all for show and you had a plan

That you're living in the islands of St.Thomas, scuba diving every day looking for lost treasure.

You have a secret family that you never told us about

You're a top secret agent and had to keep us safe from the dangers of your job

Or maybe you got sick of all of us and wanted to be away from everyone

Or even that there is magic involved, and maybe you've gone to an alternate dimension and were finding a way back.

My mind thinks of so many possibilities to avoid the reality that my mind can not comprehend some days, and that is, you are simply no longer here.

But when it comes to the matters of the heart

I feel I constantly wander, unsure where I'm meant to be

Much has changed that... I forgot how alive I felt when I was near you, until today.

I walked out to face the grey colored sky. The air had a sharpness to it and a sense of...anticipation.

In these mere moments of anticipation, and in a sudden stunning entrance, you returned.

One after another, dancing in the soft breeze passing through.

Snow.

A smile grew, and I felt like a child again. I found myself staring towards the sky more and any, and all worries melted away as I admired what was lost for some time.

My old friend, how I've missed you so.

All of the words I wanted to pour out of my storm ridden mind. It all felt so overwhelming that sinking into the "abyss that is mindlessness" seemed better than to ponder which thought to unravel first.

The world around me had drastically changed. Continuous storms washed away any and all dreams of a life I once would have brought joy.

Old connections branch off or wither while new buds begin to grow and bloom.

New adventures began, and with that, an immense uncertainty on what lies ahead in these moments other than Hope being carried along by a worn heart, a few stitches, music, and some duct tape.

So beyond carrying some anxiety, here's to Hope and navigating our way through the seas of unknown certainty

.

2/17/2023

Memories haunt where dreams once stood

Those who once stood as roots, detach, and wither away.

Not everything can be fixed

Not everyone will stay

A found family can easily drift back to becoming strangers.

#latenightthoughts #notawriterbutiliketowrite

don't you?

If you keep yourself busy enough, it makes it easier to ignore it all.

But once you stop, and have a moment to breathe,

It still lingers. All of that pain, and anguish, the sorrows and hardships.

It still hurts you, doesn't it? Not as much as before, but it's still there.

You still have to sit with it, accept what lingers, and let them pass until another day.

While the love that grew remains planted, and the memories linger through our minds, our paths have divided, and I find the distance and silence foreign,and unwanted.

Except of course, it is a part of life that must occur, we are extraordinary individuals who have our own goals, and desires, and to keep you trapped would be entirely absurd.

But I would speak lies when I say I do not carry sorrow as you go.

Through pain, and joy, through laughter, and sorrow, you have found a way to burrow into my heart from then till morrow.

I hope for there to be a day, where our paths cross again, and a road opens wide for us to walk side by side towards home.

How silly of a dream it is, but this is one in which I hope it comes true, until our paths meet once more, know that I wait by the door, with open arms and love that is evermore.

It's important to learn to let go of them,

Could this just be my mind playing one of it's twisted tricks?

Is it something I have done or didn't do?

What is this underlying feeling that continues to linger?

I know it's my mind wandering to the darkest corners and whispering to me the worst things I could think of

And that with where we are now, all is well

All is well, but it does feel different, and I blame expectations I have placed in all my relationships

So much has changed

Because I knew that when I thought about you

All of the pain, and love rushes back,