the fangirl’s other lair

because boy do i have all the feelings right now.

i’m currently at the office where i work, running with only caffeine in my veins and my constant anger— at everyone, at the world, at myself. i haven’t felt peace in a while; not even the word quiet can ever be associated with me because the silence i harbor in me is deafening.

perhaps it is one of the reasons why i feel the most kinship to yoongi among all the idols i’ve been a fan of. or shall i say agust d? at this point, it doesn’t matter to me. it never really did. these personas make up the min yoongi we know. the min yoongi that i know.

he mentioned once that his music was mainly fueled by his anger before; that he’s became mellow and softened around the edges. he was brutal with his words and spared no fucks to anyone, and he’s now more vulnerable than ever but this time with an ache of tenderness in every line, even if he criticizes the society and the way we live in conformity and self-indulgence.

i have been playing his new album since its release and there’s a quiet sense of comfort that always seeps in every time i listen to it— and my heart sings… and cries and screams and loves and dreams.

but most importantly, it hopes for better things.

it’s so easy to just say fuck this, i am out and escape to wherever we think is safest; to say i am tired of this shit and just fucking go. i could’ve done it. yoongi could’ve done it… but he didn’t. so there’s no reason for me to do it, too. compared to the suffering he went through (his accident, his struggle with his anxiety and depression, his parents’ health crisis) and the courage it took for him to share his utmost inner battles for the past few years, i have no right to take the easy way out. he survived the hardest of backhanded slaps from life, and he’s still fighting every day to be here. i have no right.

but then his music says it’s okay to say you’re tired when you are; to quit when you’re done. it’s okay to cry, to suffer, to dream— because he will always be there to back you up and encourage you.

how fucking comforting is that? in a world where people prefer more to suffer alone, yoongi is right there to carry the load with you. he’s there to hold your hand and pat you in the back for every day of trying your damn hardest. it brings tears to my eyes knowing he feels this deeply, this genuinely about life even if he has taken the short end of the stick multiple times.

this entire body of work he has generously shared with us all is a testament to his healing. and i marvel at the thought of him accepting the fact that he’ll never be free from his demons, but he’s now stronger than ever to confront it and accept it as a part of him.

i am moved to my core. my eyes are sore from watching the music video to amygdala last night, my colleagues are looking at me funny because of my puffy red eyes; but my heart flutters with joy and elation. he means so much to me, he and his 6 brothers, and i hope he gets all the happiness in the world because he deserves it more than anything else.

i wish him peace, as much as i wish it for myself. i wish i have the tenacity he has; the fucking guts. one day, maybe.