Movies for Monsterf*ckers (or, Things I watched as a kid that did things to me)
*Rated R for Rrrrrwaaaar*
Meridian: Kiss of the Beast (1990)
90's Italian soft-core horror/porn. Saw this many years ago late one night on HBO After Dark or Skinemax or whatever. Made me feel funny and slightly wrong. Didn't stop me from rewatching it several times.
The Company of Wolves (1984)
Definitely one of my all-time favorite films on the subject of sex and monsters. Red Riding Hood at its most visceral. Written by Angela Carter and based on her feminist retellings of fairy tales from her book of short stories, The Bloody Chamber.
Pretty solid Eddie Murphy 80's action/comedy vehicle. Watched it 90% for Charles Dance as the demon Sardo Numspa. Trust me, he's worth it.
So this features Jessica Lange being a very Sultry Southern Siren and a young and hot Jeff Bridges. But Kong...what are you doing? Why are you looking at Jessica like that? No, don't touch here there. Wtf. Don't do that! Omg that ain't right.
This one is even less right, if you can believe it. There are things I've seen in this movie that are seared into my brain for eternity. Not for the faint of heart.
A classic monsterf*cker tale. The remake might've been disgusting, but naked Jeff Goldblum? No way I can pass that up. And what's worse, Eric Stoltz starred in The Fly II.
Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
I mean, duh. This movie has all of the sex in it: vampire sex, bat sex, werewolf sex, even 3-on-1 Keanu Reeves sex. He's awful in this film btw. Absolutely dismal. Most of the main cast is, in fact. But then there's Tony Hopkins and Gary Oldman eating every scrap of scenery. How can you not watch?
La Belle et La Bête (1946/2014)
Two surprisingly mature versions of the well-worn fairy tale. Both visually lush and sensual. The '46 version is unquestionably better but Vincent Cassel is yummy. This is a very old and often reworked tale, and even though it's not a movie I wanna mention that the Hans My Hedgehog episode of Jim Henson's The Storyteller is quite good too.
The Shape of Water (2017)
I mean you can't not include this one. Probably the purest, most heartfelt monsterf*cking movie in existence. This movie has echoes of Creature from the Black Lagoon and both of the Swamp Thing movies from the 80's. Yeah, those got kinda kinky but nothing like this.
I wanted to include Strange Magic (2015) but that's more of a monsterkissing movie. Very cute, very innocent. Good movie once you get to the meaty part of the plot.
I didn't include any Phantom of the Operas because the only sexy versions of that story I've seen make Erik into a very sympathetic and non-monstrous figure. They also tend to either not show his face or make it not so bad-looking, like he's really overreacting to it, honestly. But if you ask, I'd recommend the 1990 tv miniseries version with Charles Dance over the movie of the ALW musical. It's just better in every way, imho.
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