ZOMBIEHIGHX23

             This has been a long time coming but here it. What is the meaning behind the saying on my tattoo. The tl;dr version is it was the last thing that was said to me by my bestfriend of 10 years before she decided to take a break from our friendship for “awhile”. TRIGGER WARNING

Now here is the full story. Hello my name is Scott Bechtel and I was in a mentally abusive friendship for the past four years, and where I was also sexually harassed for three of those years. Back in late March 2021 I had a mini breakdown because I started to realize more than anything with my abuser I was being constantly lied too and my concept of reality was breaking. I would be told on a Monday of one thing, and by Thursday the thing would now be something else and the “thing” would have never happened. I started to notice that I was being treated unfairly in our friendship compare to other friendships that my abuser has. The final straw has been that my abuser decided to take a half day from work for a last minute weekend trip where she would be carp camping in the middle of the desert.

Why was this a problem? Just a year prior we had plan a trip for me to fly out for my birthday weekend months in advance but, she didn’t take a half day off to start the vacation. In matter of fact she didn’t reach the hotel room till almost pass 6 pm. Running on 2 hours of sleep from the night before, and having flown across the country, I was left waiting most of the day in the hotel room, hearing almost ready to come over for hours. By the end of the day I was sleep deprived being up for almost 26 hours, and spent most of the day alone either traveling or in a room, trying to stay up waiting for her. The other problem, was the part about her traveling to a desert. I was told a year prior that due to a medical condition she was not able to stay out in the sun for long periods of time. Being couped up in hotel room, and not able to go anywhere because of covid, our options were pretty limited. It either the room or the terrace outside the room. Needless to say, we were only outside for short periods of time, mainly so she could smoke a blunt (which I have no problem with). Totally understandable she couldn’t be outside for long periods of time. Of course I’ll accommodate someone with a condition, friend or not. So why would someone with a condition of being outside in the sun go camping in the desert?

With all this, I decide to voice my concerns in an e-mail to my abuser. Everything. How I felt I was being treated unfairly compare to her other friends. While other friends had pet names, she promoted them and their ventures/accounts on social media, she would take half days off for work for, etc. How I was confused about her camping trip (an no I never once doubted her condition if you’re thinking that).

In this same letter, I also apologized for a joke I made. When she was prior telling me about her trip, I made the comment of “I hope you trust the guy you’re dating, because I’m not giving you a kidney.” She even “lol” when I made this joke. This conversation is still saved. We had agree to not talk about her dating life as it had become an issue between the two of us, which now I realize was all because she kept gaslighting me on the issue and made it more complicated than it should’ve been given the feelings, or lack of, or maybe there were, who knows anymore because who knows what was ever real. Back to it, I apologized because I didn’t want to make it seem like I was prying on her newly dating life. It was anything but. It was a joke, because you’re telling someone you’re going a on a last second trip in the middle of a desert, of course you’ll make a joke in the vein of be careful. She said it was a college friend and not the man she was dating. Conversation would have been fine there. BUT, she then proceeded to go on about how she does trust him. Um okay. That wasn’t needed. We agreed to not talk about your relationship. Yes I made a joke, but we don’t need to hear all the reasoning of “um actually”, especially when it’s your rule to not talk about it.

             So how was I greeted to this e-mail. A “Sorry you feel this way. Maybe we should talk about it.” “I’ll try better, I appreciate you bringing up your concerns I had no idea you felt this way.” A lengthy response of fuck you, or I hear you. Clearly being best friends for 10 years I would get a response and some sort of clarification on the matter. All I got was one sentence on April 1st, 2021. It read;

“I'm going to take a break from this relationship for awhile.”

Nothing else. No follow up. No timeframe. No why for the break. Was it for my sake. Was it for her sake? Was it for both of us? I’ll just ask her why but be respectful for it because that’s what friends do, that’s what people do. You wouldn’t just say one sentence and expect the person to know what you exactly mean, know what to fix exactly and say and a later time, hey let’s talk and pick things back up for give closure. That’s what anybody would think. That’s now what happened here. I was blocked on every single platorm. My number was blocked. I was even blocked on the Switch’s friends list. The very Switch I helped her get after she constantly talked about wanting one badly for months. That I went into stores daily looking for, in 2020 when the world was on fire, and risking getting a disease that could kill me or the billion of other things that could kill me that were going on.

The actions of being blocked, made me feel like my existence was nothing. The fact that everything ended with one sentence. No regard to tell me why or anything else. I had an anxiety attack, I became catatonic at one point. And then finally I became suicidal. By the next day, I had planned to end my life by jumping off a bridge. They say sometimes from such a fall you die of a heart attack before the impact. Regardless, one or the other was going to be my ticket out. I had such little respect for my own life that I didn’t care about my family’s or anyone else’s around me. Her final treatment to me, I wish I could say she treated me like an animal, but that’s wrong. Our trip, the one that had been planned for months in advance, was cut short because she wanted to go home to check on her cat. I sat alone in a hotel room by myself as she left a day early to check on her cat. She cares more about animals than me. I was beneath everything when I was treated by her. It was like this for year, it’s all I experienced. This is why I had plan to take my own life, because at that moment I somehow treated worse than ever before and could not take it anymore. I was stopped by my parents that night.

I want to say that was the last time I thought about killing myself since April 2nd, but it wasn’t. On May 19th, 2021 my abuser left a shared wish list I made for her of switch games she should buy. Over a month since we last made contact. Without a thought, she also decided to block me on an Amazon wishlist. Just when I thought I was getting used to my new status of this “awhile” phase I was sidelined again. The next day after work on the way home I pulled over the side of an overpass. I walked to the side, and waited for a heavyflow traffic of cars speeding by to come, I waited for a truck of somesort coming. I saw one and was ready to take a step of the ledge, fall right into it’s path. I remember I had one foot already out. I then stopped. I do not know why. I chickened out I guess. I knew from that day I needed to find a new job though because I would be tempted to try it again and succeed. Even on breaks from work, I would sit in my car, stare at the cell tower across the street and ponder about climbing it and just jumping off. Whatever it maybe in the universe, I did find a new job. One that came out of the blue and contacted me even from an applications months ago. I started to move away from those thought finally.

Where did the years of mental abuse come in. Take out your pencil and paper because this the portion of the essay where you need notes to follow the mental gymnastics that I went through. Here is the most famous one. In 2016 my abuser went and studied abroad. While there she had her Summer European Romantic Fling. After years of denying she ever had one nor there was no special reason she wanted to go back to Bosnia, may I remind you this would not have ever been an issue, I don’t know why she was hiding it, she finally said she did. Okay sure, whatever, you go girl, this explains a lot. This guy, for the sake of the essay let’s call him John Doe had invited her to Ireland for a visit during December of 2019. I was told this news in September 3rd, 2019 because she was excited about her upcoming trip, and it was all normal conversation. But this is where it started. Have your pencil and paper? Good. I was told that John Doe’s work was paying for half the flight for her to visit him. A round trip flight from the states to Ireland. He would then the other half. Later on the story changed to, no his work covered for the whole flight. She went, the relationship rekindle, and a month later he had a business trip that would be taking him from Ireland to the states. Okay cool. BUT WAIT. This business trip his work wasn’t covering. Well that’s weird. Why would a business pay ball park, a thousand dollars for a friend of there employee to be flown out, not work related may I remind you, but then not pay for a company mandated trip and lodging? I can understand if it’s we’ll reimburse after the trip but no. I brought this up in conversation and my abuser was looking for an Air B&B. This seems weird. She stuck this story. Later on she revealed there was no business trip, he was just coming out to court her. Okay, why go through the hoops. Wouldn’t it be easier to have said that. Even more later, she tried to denied that his work ever paid for her trip, that she never said that. But I have the e-mail. I have two e-mails with two different stories of the finical situation for Ireland, and then two different e-mails about the business trip. Which story is which. Well there is another story. Now it’s John Doe’s work paid for the business trip flight, but not the lodging. The business trip that didn’t exist. He was just flying out to court her. Oh we are back to now they paid for half the flight to Ireland, after it was denied she never said such thing. To recap;

 Business pays for 50% Ireland flight > business pays for whole flight > business never paid for it > business paid for 50% flight

Business trip not paid > no business trip, just a random trip > work pays for random trip but not lodging

The final answer before the “awhile” break is now the business never paid for either flights.

Okay glad we are all caught up, but don’t put those pencils down yet because there is more. The reason why this clusterfuck became an issue, not just only because it was confusing, but also because she said she doesn’t do long distance relationships. This was a reason why, when I did develop feelings for her nothing ever came from it. Well she told me that in the fall of 2019 she was hinting at me she did have feelings and was trying to feel me out. This is of course when back in 2017 she freaked out when I said I liked her and didn’t talk to me for two weeks. She also said that if she ever did feel something for me she would tell me. She never did, only after the fact. Well here’s where things get complicated, she liked two people at once? You’re persuading this Ireland with a flight being paid by who knows whom, but then another one? Looking back this was a manipulation tactic to get me off the Ireland subject and doubt myself. I was also told the lie (at this point I am not sure which one) for Ireland was because sh didn’t want to trigger me. I did not see this slip up at the time. If she was feeling me out to see how I felt and determined I didn’t have feeling for her anymore (which I actually still did) then she would not have had to lie about anything. Further more, she started out lying from the gate for reasons I still do not know why to this date.

             Other situations like last two had always kept occurring. Constant revisions to stories. Now for the sexual harassment part. Trigger warning I guess maybe.

In 2018 she started sending me snaps where she was covering parts of her body up with stickers. It started off as “freudian slip” she said, but then said it was a game and wanted me to join in. So I did. She would also send me snaps that were never nude, but tasteful to be polite. I never asked for them. They would come unsolicist. Other things she would send me would be links to hentai videos, hentai photos, toon photos, etc. For a birthday gift, I was given a hentai mango. She even would give commentary on the things she sent me. But if I ever sent a link, or even a cosplay photo it was consider creepy or uncomfortable if I did it.

In the weekend trip I took, she was intoxicated to say the least. I as buzzed for sure, and was also ambien out. While we layed in separate beds, in the dark, I was started to be asked personal questions, including what I was feeling, what is my size, describe what I am doing in my bed, how hard I am, to keep going at what I was doing at that moment, had me talk about her (including what I liked about her personality wide and physically, and talk at details what I liked physically at length and say my favorite photos of her) and was told that tomorrow she had planned at some point if we got to this moment, we would watch “a movie” and take care of ourselves. I then asked a question regarding about her bra and the color she was wearing because I had notice it and she said that yes she does wear that for me. The next morning came, and when I brought up the night before she first played it off that she didn’t remember. Okay that’s fine everybody was drunk whatever. She then asked me to say what was said, and I mention somethings and she then said of she did remember some of those things. She then became angry of the whole situation had happened. A situation which she had started. I understand to tease someone, but that night and all the over times with messages and snaps went beyond teasing. I don’t know how to really feel all about that now. I do know that is not normal sexual behavior. This was clearly sexual harassment for whatever game.

While on the trip let’s explain why it took place. The abuser had said she likes it when a guy takes the initiative to court her with a trip. That is exactly what I did. We planed it out originally to be a nice weekend get away. I was going to be convenient for her, that she could leave work on Friday come straight to the hotel, and then Monday leave the hotel and go right back to work as they were so close. She was always stuck in long traffic going to and from that this was perfect. It was either that or The Stanely in Colorado but due to prices we went the first option. Well Covid happened, and hotel changes, and so forth. We had agree that because of this minor apocalypse that maybe trying to court her was not the best idea at this time. She then made it clear how she didn’t want long physical contact, including long hugs, hand holding or cuddling. After the trip I was told she did not feel a connection between us. Well of course. Can’t have a connection when you do not physical contact for a too long period. You cannot wow someone when you are doordashing food all weekend long instead of taking them out. You cannot make a connection if you tell the person we are not going to try this right now. Everyone is free to change their mind, but changing rules and not telling the other party is not playing fair. You are just putting things in your favor and even trying. The abuser also said they did not want to date during the pandemic. That was in May 2020. In November 2020 they started going on dating apps. The abuser was afraid of catching covid because due to their condition it would certainly mean death. The abuser would not wear a mask when talking to people close by in an indoor setting and even risked themselves with no mask with someone who just got over a case of it. The abuser would walk around outside without a mask. The abuser would share Instagram stories, promoting “acquaintances” who did not believe in the vaccine and spouted lies about it. Time to pick up the pencils again because here is another gaslighting timeline;

Got a covid test to make sure (was negative) > got another covid test when exposed to coworker who just got over it (was negative) > took multiple at home covid test to prove was negative so they could kiss on a dates (was negative) > said they never did at home covid test, nor did them for kissing, just the two and they were at testing sites

These gaslight timelines are what I would constantly live through. Sometime would not even pertain to me. To this day I do not know if my abuser even eats or likes peperoni. As of last conversation it is a no. I could not keep up on conversations because I had no idea what was real. When we would play games online she would quiet got long periods of time, then leave suddenly. I had no idea if leading to “awhile” she was looking for an out or was going through something. I wish I knew, because I have always helped her in the past work through whatever barrier she was going through. This was not because of my romantic feelings, but because it is was a friend and compassionate person does.