PARANOIA

as for my writing. i find that i write best (and end up most happy with the outcome) when i find some sort of. single theme i can base it around? like. in the sense of. one metaphor that i can just keep writing around and coming back to. i like playing with the "othered self as an explanation of emotions" but i think that can be attributed to the fact i am constantly f/oing characters who struggle to process their own emotions LOL

in this case specifically, i just really think emcee would have a VERY hard time adjusting to attachment and having a deeper connection with someone. like. at a baseline evaluation of his character, he is VERY aloof, very independent and very reckless. one thing i love about the later productions is that they really hone in on the idea of making him emcee the character, rather thana. representation/concept like he originally was. like they keep the idea thematically, but also make him someone that you can see existing within the world rather than a disconnected presence within the context of the club only. this is a guy that has a life, and habits, and feelings and motivation (even if we arent sure what they are) but its still someone that at the end of the day goes home to a shitty run down one bedroom apartment with a leaky faucet and a bare mattress on the floor. yknow?

it's little details they sprinkle in through the productions (specifically in 98 and later in 2014, where they were trying to emulate 98, with a few more refined characteristics) that really kind of have me by the throat so to speak. do NOT get me started on i dont care much as a song thematically and as a performance because i WILL go on forever. but the important part is that it's sort of the 'beginning of the end' for what he represents as a character. and its followup scene (with him) establishes him as an addict, which was always sort of implied but never explicit, this is MUCH more in your face about it. which is so ironic given his lack of dependency on anything and anyone else. and so i just kind of took that idea and ran deciding to kind of explore what his mental process of denial -> acceptance re: falling in love (or as close as he can get to it anyways) on account of Having Emotions.