AAAAAAAHH

My oh so perfect dad thought it would be very cool to grab my arm, yank me up and start beating me up like literally never before

I pushed him off me with all the force I could. I couldn't control myself in that moment and I was blind with fucking anger. I was shaking with hate.

I started yelling insults and slurs to see if he would stop.

My sister clapped her hands over my mouth to shut me up and dragged me into our room, closing the door and crying too.

That's when I finally realized what just happened and I stopped crying to hug my sister.

I could hear my parents arguing behind that door. My dad calling me even worse slurs and insults, probably trying to slap my mom. But knowing my mom, she'd just slap him back or stop him before that and make him feel guilty for it.

After a while my dad opened the door, and he tried to punch me again but I dodged it. He started yelling and yelling, slur after slur. I looked at him. And I will never forget the way I looked at him.

Hate? Do you know what true hate is like? Do you know how it feels like to stare with so so so so much hate at someone like that? I was SHAKING from hate. I was BURNING with hate. My face was red with hate.

My hate for my father is so big that I can't put it into words. I hate him so much that the word "hate" isn't big enough. I could feel my nose almost bleeding from that anger. Do you know what I'd give for him to be gone? I'd pay with my organs if I could.

But then, he left the house. He didn't come back until midnight.

The next few days I felt something I don't think I'll ever feel before. Victory. Safety. Satisfaction. Respected. It was a mix of many good things. Me and my sister avoided him at ALL costs. Didn't say hi. Didn't talk. Didn't look. Didn't dare to be near. That lasted for 3 weeks.

One day, my dad came to my room where me and my sis were. He called her first. I couldn't hear everything since they went to the living room. But she came back crying. Then left again.

My dad came in. He stared at me with the most pathetic face in existence. "Do you hate me?"

I went quiet. Fuck dammit, of course I hate him. I wish he got aborted and I'm not sorry at all. But something made me feel guilty. Feel bad. Like, as if I was the bad guy here.

So I said no.

Then, he hugged me, and started crying. He apologized. Again. And again. Just like everytime. But this time in forever, he was crying. I didn't know what to do or feel. So instead of staying quiet, I said "It's okay, dad."

He promised he'd change. But he didn't change. Why would I fucking believe that? He CAN'T change. Not until it's too late, of course.

School makes me depressed. Genuinely.