Trans. Form.

New things are happening over here in Brooklyn. It’s a dimension that I was guided to return to. Watch my countdown to blast off<^> 

I’ve been in search for this awkward silence. the kind where you don’t quite know how you feel, but are ok with it. the act of being present while in the pause. no rewind, no fast forward. in between family and friends. re-connecting to the human part of myself. hugging. talking to animals and cacti. making my time quality, but also contemplating what I need to do next. and here I am, roaming into my desert heart. artless. going inward and preparing myself. silent warrior mode, preparing to use my powers accordingly. revisiting the parts of myself. that came back with more knowledge and perspective. it’s show down.

Looking forward to my next trip to Trinidad.

The Leo Lunar Eclipse turned me inside out^ I felt my internal spotlight glowing, heightening my sensitivity and reflecting on my creative angle on life. It reinforced the power of the collectives that I am a part of. It revived my faith in dreams and reunited me with the energy needed to relentlessly hunt them. I am gaining new survival instincts. When confronted by politics, I astral plane and explore my inner world more. This is my practice, it is one way to de-program from all of those things that have prevented me from understanding my importance based on capitalist ideals. Evil, ignorant, racist, narcissistic people and structures will always aim to crush any possibility that our world could be better.  I won’t allow those external dominant forces to crush my world. Every day I live the life I want is political, and I aim to continue to fight with love, bask in my moonlight, and appreciate that which is naturally present. I can’t give up hope. And I won’t.

When I was a young one, I wore knee high socks and sneakers. Even t-shirts from Burger King and McDonalds. My hair was always braided so that my Mom only had to comb it once a week or two, and I was always ready to climb trees, play hide and go freak, or make up choreography to Micheal Jackson and Paula Abdul hits. I was called a Tomboy, and I didn’t quite understand what that meant. But I do know that once my chest started growing and blood started flowing from my vaginal orifice, then things changed. I still preferred comfortable clothing so that I could jump and run when I wanted, but the societal pressures of shaving and wearing deodorant and putting on make up to prove my femininity hit me hard. And I did it because I was told that it was ‘part of growing up.’ Finally I became more confident in my self-expression, especially after moving out of the conservative Texan bubble, and took on the NYC challenge. I evolved and allowed my queerness and creativity to shine. I wore bantu knots and dark lipstick and bought clothing from Contempo Casuals and the African Market in Harlem. I had a NYC Boho, Hip-Hop kinda style. Well, until I graduated from college and entered the world of work and grad school. This is when my style went into the ultra femme lipstick territory of eyeshadows and dresses and skirts and heels. I got used to my feet hurting and thought I needed to touch up my foundation at least twice a day. It was tiring, but it was like the Fugees song M.A.S.K. I had to put it on just to make the next day. Fast forward through jobs and being a trophy wife, and other systematic errors, I broke free from all of these US standards and switched up my life completely. Now living in Amsterdam and Berlin I realized that who I am is internal. I like elements of spontaneity and surprise, and like to show this to myself, through clothing. I wear clothes based on how I feel, whatever is clean, and comfortable, and mostly colorful. Living in cities where I bike, walk up flights of stairs daily, sit with my legs open when I want, and generally don’t have to worry about the ‘impression’ I am making, I like to experiment with different modes of being. I accomplish this through developing performance characters, and styling. This past weekend I went to hang out at a friend’s vintage and original designer clothing store Diamond Freddie, and Asiatic Velvet Realness came about. Hmmmmmm, maybe I will dust off my dresses and skirts again this Spring. Get ready;)

the day i live my life according to my own political agenda.

Hours become minutes, minutes become milliseconds...landing in New York again is putting me back into this time warp. There is never enough of it, and at times like this, I wish that I had the super power to stop it, then start it again when all is in place. Time feels wasted when you don’t do what you thought you should have done, or you didn’t say what needed to be said, or paid enough attention to the signs. I want to spend quality time with those that I love and have enhanced my life, this means more than quantity. Those are the people that transcend time, and I know, that anything real and true is this way, despite time. I realize that timeless connectivity is real no matter when, nor how long we have physically acknowledged it. Time measures rates of change and I have changed a lot over the past 2.5 years that I haven’t been here. I flow with what I have learned during these time frames, but I also know that right now, the whole reason why I am even putting this into stream of consciousness is because I want to make sense of where it went. Now I will try to focus on where it is going and stop bullshitting about past matters. Time, after time.

Livin’ just enough for the city. 

Tipi’s by Hank of BUTCH Cut^

My father's side of my family is a mix of African, Cherokee, Blackfoot, and Scottish cultures. I didn't know this until later on when I tried re-connecting with my father at age 16. He showed me a book of our family tree. The Scottish Missionary who 'married' my Great, Great Grandmother who was African Blackfoot, which then moved on to having children that married Cherokee and Black people shipped to the community in West Texas where he was born. The most poignant part was that he was taught that he shouldn't be proud of his Black and Native culture, that these cultures were 'primitive' and not 'progressive' in this society. This is why he couldn't tell me much about our tribal roots. Like many of my family members on that side, he died before 60. And now, there is no one left to talk to about my ancestry. Still, I connect to them, and get flashbacks, and feel the primal pain of seeing what is going on in Standing Rock, along with many Reservations that have been raped of the freedom we used to have. The very people, my ancestors, who could teach us the most about how to live with the land, are being attacked and called 'primitive.' Just as the Pilgrims did when they saw something they wanted, and took it, instead of 'Giving Thanks' to the people who welcomed and fed them. Despite my sadness and anger that this Fascist regime will become even worse, and that the Apocalypse is already now, I am appreciative that I embody the spirit of WARRIORS^ who don't bow down to patriarchy, and all of the institutionalized corruptive structures that prevent us from feeling as powerful as we are. Our spirits are stronger than our bodies, and every day that we live our lives, is political. Let's make progress by learning how to live with the land, learn how to survive without 'things', and most importantly grow our families into even larger chosen families that can support us and surround us with love<^>

Your own intuition, inner advice, can help you gain the answers you need to know about yourself. Don’t ignore YOU; you know yourself more than anyone else. Hug on someone and heal your heart chakra. Open up your sacral chakra and channel that sexual energy into being more creative. Identify your emotions and know where they emanate. Get rid of the fear that makes you afraid to walk alone and allow your aura to travel lighter on your journey^

(((Sitting with self))) Life is constantly moving, the only thing constant is change, which I embrace readily. There are so many changes that I have made in my life that my motto has been to ‘keep it moving’ which has helped me to continue on through even the most stressful times (moving to several apt’s, enduring heartache, fetishization, betrayal). As social as I like to be, I am conscious of using this as a way to cope. When I lived in NYC, I found it hard to be by myself and with myself. There were many people around, too many people to attend to, a life to maintain based on status. When I moved to Amsterdam, I took the time to face myself, start over, try new things, find a new community, and being alone made me reveal who I truly am under all of the external expectations. I needed the time alone to think and held myself responsible for my inner happiness. Luckily, I escaped the superficial circumstances that covered up my vulnerability, embarrassment, and repressed spirit. At first I felt guilty for taking the time for myself, but as I de-programmed  from past limitations, I embraced hibernation, became more introverted, contemplative about who I offered my energy to, and who was deserving of my time. Now, no matter where I travel, I make the time to check-in with myself in all matters of life, pamper myself in ways that my body needs it and have no regret for my decisions. I feel my strength consistently building, as I maintain my connection to myself, live my life as if there is no tomorrow, and allow myself to wander into my dreams~ 

March is firing me up and my body is hot with arising opportunity. It’s time to let my passion be birthed, take what I am doing a bit further, focus on what I have been still neglecting to nurture. There’s no excuse to not do more, and there is always more. I have been thinking about the best strategy for aligning all of my talents, but now is the time to just act. My soul is brewing with opportunities and I feel it exploding out of my third eye. I am using this talent to interpret and interact with these energies in a more precise manner, see the patterns in my life, and consciously manipulate these energies to expand <^>

Creative, loving, quirky, single-parent, amazing Pisces woman. Mom. She is everything. No one has been more supportive than her when it comes to being independent and getting what I want out of life. Anytime I thought about giving up, I think of how much she has pushed me forward. She wants me to travel and enjoy life, and encourages me in every conversation. I love her so much and am happy to celebrate her today. Every year she continues to get younger and more beautiful. She gives me strength, I always aim to be like her and I love her immensely. Happy Birth Day Mom!!!!!

Clarity. (sometimes you have to stop thinking and start seeing)