𝓲 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓹𝓲𝔃𝔃𝓪

Listen… I love my dog. Unconditionally; he is an amazing animal, brings a smile to my face, he’s a good snuggle companion, but I ain’t getting a tattoo of him ever. Damn it, I was really hoping that I could rat you out, get on your mom’s good side! Not that I think I left her good side, but y'know. Did you end up buying her flowers? A bracelet? Offer to do clean her whole house to make it up to her? Yeah, basically just… open up a portal and let your entire body get sucked through it during those moments? Because I would really, really fucking love that. I do, yeah – Windsong, it’s like a … combo wood shop, homegoods place? What kinda business are you considering, got anything in mind? I’ve been okay, yeah – thank you. The kids are adjusting, they’re actually heading out tomorrow to see their mom for a few weeks, and I’m doing alright, as good as I can be, you know? I’m getting there.

That’s much better! I bet Hank gives the best snuggles. Does he shed a lot? I imagine you having these lint roller dog hair removers in every corner of the house. Are you kidding? My mom watched the Vampire Diaries because of you, your spot on her good side is forever reserved. I would never offer to clean her whole house, because cleaning is my stongest suit. I hate it, basically. I did end up baking her a three-layered chocolate cake with cream filling and ‘I’m sorry’ written on top with sprinkles. Exactly, that was so on point. Someone should invent this portal real soon, or I’m gonna have to invest in the idea myself. Windsong? I love the name. I don’t know why but it’s so ... -- you. I’ll make sure to pay a visit very soon. You know me, I love food so definitely something around that. I was thinking of a food truck, but I’ve heard there are a few around so maybe a doughnut shop? I like experimenting with different flavors and plus, it’s easier having to make batches of the same dough and just change a few things instead of having to make fifty different products on a menu. What do you think? Yeah, I get it. Kids are super resilient and would want for both of you to be happy, so I’m sure they will be just fine. And you, Farm Boy, will only get stronger out of this, you’ll see.

You’re a sweetheart too! I love you so much! I’ve been amazing just got back from Fiji with my boyfriend and now I’ve got the premiere tonight of a short film I was in. 

Fiji? When did that happen? Tell me everything and don’t leave out any the details! I heard about Dirt Roads, congratulations! I wouldn’t miss your premiere, so expect to get tons of flowers from your number one fan.

Then that’s all that matters at the end of the day. Oh, that’s so true. You like to see them on other people, but absolutely not on yourself! It’s so easy to fall down those rabbit holes of looking at bad tattoos. That’s pretty much what you do, yeah, just…hide your face, walk away at a normal pace and pretend it never happened.

I’m right with you on that one, babe. I know, right? Every time I see a new collection of botched tattoos on Pinterest, I drop whatever I’m doing because I have to see them. My favorite are the ones who where wrongly translated in other languages by Google. It’s like these people are purposely asking for a disappointment. Alright, I think I got it!  How have you been, Saoirse? Not gonna lie, I only know how to pronounce your name corrently because I saw you saying it in an interview.

Louis can go to his mom! Haha, no, I think I will hire him a tutor. I tried that actually since I remember it being easy a few years ago but now? This is real stuff. I use the app photomath but it’s hard to explain why they did this or this… The answer isn’t enough sadly. Did the Duo Lingo owl get to you yet? They keep threatening me to finish my lessons. A pleasure to meet you, Zoey, thanks for welcoming me! Good because I was thinking of getting some right now. What’s your favorite taco there?

Does his mom know that you will abstain from any homework help whatsoever? Yeah, you are right. Photomath might give you the result but what calculations took place until you could get the final number is the real deal. Thankfully with how much technology is improving nowadays, you can even find Louis an online tutor so he wouldn’t even have to come to Bayview. This owl will start haunting me in my dreams any day now. I broke my fourteen-day streak and apparently the owl got so upset that now it sends me a notification every two hours. Seems like you are in luck, let’s go get some tacos! Apart from the amazing pulled pork that goes with everything, I really like the one with grilled chopped citrus and garlic marinated chicken. What meats and toppings do you like? You can even make your own combinations, I think. 

Darlin’, I just turned forty in April, that’s just one slightly embarrassing thing that hasn’t happened to me yet… yet. It’s not over. I might have something more humiliating to share with you in the future. — I have plenty of pictures to share of him, haha. His name is George, he’s a black cat and he’s about twenty years old now. To make a long story short, I found him when he was a kitten on my roof, saved his life. — Ah yeah? What kind of skills does he have? Thank you! Nah, my wife and I just moved here a few weeks ago. How long have you been in town?

If that was supposed to make me feel better, well -- it didn’t. I will cling on to this hope, though, so if anything embarrassing happens to you please don’t forget to give me a call. I don’t care about the time, I just neet to be aware. George, such a proper and posh English name, I’m sure it suits him perfectly. Aw, you’ve had him for so long that you’ve practically grown old together. So sweet. Does George like his new home? Steady hand, precision, he does great detailing and I didn’t keep in mind any other characteristics, because I was too busy groaning and hissing. I haven’t got the best pain tolerance that’s for sure. Oh, so you came here with a cat and a missus? That’s great. I’ve been here for a couple of weeks myself, so we probably arrived about the same time!

No one should judge you for loving your dog that much anyway! I think there’s a lot of dog lovers out there so we might even start a club or something, that’d be fun. I have two dogs, Winnie and Nova. I have a good amount of embarrassing stories, too! See, we were made to meet and be friends.

Damn right. It’s not my fault that I have so much love to give, is it? Are you talking about establishing a doggy club? That’s be the coolest thing ever. If we make a group chat everyone will constantly share adorable pics and honestly I’m here for it. I’d absolutely love to meet Winnie and Nova! What kind of dogs are they? Seriously, do we need any more signs? This friendship is happening. 

I don’t know how I completely miss that. A whole face though, that’s dedication. I’m going to have to see it in person. You know, it really is an honest mistake. There’s no judgement. I’ve been pretty great! I don’t know if your mom told you about the divorce but that happened. So, I moved back here a little less than a year ago. I’m doing a lot better now though, happily moved on and just living my best life away from the Hollywood crazy. How have you been? 

Maybe because you were out there making amazing television series and movies? Just a thought. So proud of you, by the way. A whole face, yes. I gritted my teeth so hard that I almost had to go to the dentist. I’d say I’m sorry about the divorce, but seeing how happy you are right now I’m glad things turned out the way they did. You are with Robbie now, right? Does he know what will happen to him if he hurts you or do I need to pay him a visit? I’ve been pretty good, can’t complain! I’ve been loving the slower-paced lifestyle of Bayview so far, I needed this change of scenery and rhythm.

Sometimes I wonder if people in the business have souls or hearts to be honest, cause I know I heard TMZ has released things without even having confirmation before just to be able to say they have the latest news.  I have learned that and I am so grateful, everyone here seems so genuine and kind unlike in New York City or in Los Angeles.  

Since you mentioned that is your favorite, have you seen the other three versions of the movie including the one with Barbara Streisand and Kris Kristofferon?  Yes the one with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga is amazing, the music alone broke my heart.  I have to say I have not seen that one yet, I will admit to my list of ones to watch though.  I have always been a fan of Armie Hammer from back to his J. Edgar and The Social Network days.  Slowly but surely, I still need to explore some more.  Where have you visited so far? 

It’s honestly sad, because even if to them it’s just a business and their paycheck depends on the amount of exclusive news they get, they are still messing with someone’s life and that’s not okay. I know, right? I love it here so much already. In which part of town do you live?

That’s the spirit. Who needs our dignity? We’re fucking actors. We have none of that anymore. Oh my god, for real? That’s dope. I feel like when most people say “Yeah, I got my dog tattooed on me” there’s a bit of grey area? Where you don’t know if it’s like, an actually good rendering or just like trusting your best friend with the ol’ stick and poke while drunk on wine coolers. That’s smart, though. Like, if they ask for proof in case she gets lost and someone finds her, all you’ve gotta do is show off your ankle and the portrait and she’s back in your loving arms. Maybe, but I fuckin’ love it. I did! On my back. Super cute. I also have an owl. Don’t know if I’m trying to amass the entire animal kingdom onto my body yet; it’s a work in progress. I keep telling myself I’m done with tattoos and then I go get another like, eight. It’s an addiction. It’s hard when they’re looking at somebody who’s standing right behind you! Like, how are we supposed to know they’re not just being friendly towards a stranger? If only we could read minds. Oh, fuck, I’m bad about that one, too. Basically we just never need to leave the house, ever. Too socially fucked for our own collective good.   

Listen, when you’re getting such a fine piece of work, on your leg of all places, complaining about the pain doesn’t really matter. I’ve got little ones, nothing compared to that, so kudos to you, I’m truly impressed. Besides. I’m sure your dog feels super special now and she’s on her way to give you a batch of some well deserved extra cuddles — nothing to whine about, right? Ah, no, I meant I got some little tattoos, not puppies. Unfortunately, the only dog I’ve had the pleasure to call mine is with my mom back in London. He’s more like a family dog than anything, really. I’ve thought about getting a cat, though, since they’re a bit more independent and easier to take care of, but I’ll have to see with the schedule allows and whatnot. Here’s to contact lenses and glasses, right? They really do save your life when you’ve managed to make yourself look like an idiot.

You are right, there’s absolutely no excuse whatsoever. What little tats do you have? I’ve always found doodles very cute so I’ll probably start getting some myself. No more big tattoos for me. At the beginning she was being a little snob about it, but she’s a softie so in the end I got all the snuggles in the world. I’m sure he’s super excited to see you every time you visit! I’ve never had a cat, but I know for a fact they are way more easier to handle. Do you travel a lot? If you are on a tour or something, it’s definitely not an ideal time. But otherwise, I’d be happy to catsit when you have a concert or an event, if that’s what’s holding you back. Amen to that. I honestly see two different pictures -- the way I see things with glasses and he way I see them without. I’m not considering laser surgery yet, because I’m a chicken, so I’ll just keep up with the nerdy look until I muster up the courage. No harm done, we stan a nice pair of glasses. 

I am now curious about this story, actually. I have two, actually! And my girlfriend just adopted one. I’ll let you know if I get it, for sure. Likewise! Haha, that’s understandable. Sometimes it works, sometimes it’s just something way too awkward you just have to laugh about it. I promise I won’t put you in that situation! Yeah! That’s for sure. Everyone in this town is very cool and easy going. Haha, I think all of us will admit we’ve done something silly like that before.

There’s not much of a story behind it, really. I just woke up one day and Maybelle was at the edge of my bed, snoring so loud that she sounded like a tractor and that’s when I said ‘Oh, wow, I love this dog so much that I want to get a tattoo of her precious face’. Of course, after that, I thought about the consequences like getting insanely bullied by my family, friends and co-stars, but I decided it was worth it and did it anyway. Really? That’s music two my ears. We should get them all together at the dog park one day. Exactly, it’s a matter of improvising. Thank you, thank you. They are, indeed! Have you been here for long?

I think that most mother’s say that kind of stuff but at the end of the day they’re just happy to have their children drop in to see them at all.  I’m sure that’s the way I’ll be when my boys are your age anyways.  I think that it definitely could work. It’s honestly whatever makes you happy in the timing that makes you happy.  You definitely can’t plan for it.  It’s a great kind of tiredness. I wouldn’t change it for anything though.  It’s one of those things that maybe it’ll happen but I’m honestly okay with where I’m at.  I understand your chocie though. We have three cats so no more pets in the house for the time being.

I think so, too. Plus, as you get older and you have more responsibilities, you don’t get to spend as much time with your family as you used to, so you savor every moment. Since we are on the subject, did your kiddos make you anything cute for Mother’s day? Yeah, I totally get what you mean. How old are the boys? Do they go to school yet? I think three cats are more than enough. Hopefully your curtains and couch aren’t destroyed by their little nails.

Oh, thank goodness, that’s a relief! I always feel so bad for people when they get a portrait and it looks terrible - I’ve seen a couple Jessica Jones tattoos that I haven’t had the heart to tell them that it looks nothing like me/her. Fairly new still, then a couple of weeks now but, I don’t know if you have this same feeling, it weirdly feels like I’ve lived here a long time! I am absolutely loving it so far, how about you? I am definitely in to buddy up for some exploration! I heard they have one of those crazy rage room things that I’m sort of dying to check out!

A huge relief. It’s not easy to walk around with a botched tattoo and I definitely wasn’t ready to join that group of people. Coming from their idol, it would certainly break their heart so I think it was a wise choice. Let someone else break out the bad news. My sister wanted a Jane Margolis tattoo on her back when she went through a huge Breaking Bad phase, but she chickened out at the last minute. Let me tell you, it’s not just you -- it doesn’t feel like I just came here at all. For a place that I had only seen on Instagram stories, it feels oddly familiar. I’m not going to complain, though, this is much preferred than getting weird looks by the locals and being called a newbie. Wait, they have a rage room? This town is so dope. I love that stuff and I bet you look so badass while swinging a bat around.

My bad. I have no idea why I thought it could’ve been unintentional. I’m glad you’re good with this so far, better than tattooing your boyfriend’s name so when you’re broken up you have to either erase it completely, make another drawing with it, or explain to every boy you make out with why you have another guy’s name on your ass cheek. I wish, although I’m undoubtful that’d likely happen. Hey, I’m definitely giving you a call, there’s no lie. Besides, I’ve never had a wingwoman and this seems quite interesting to experience.

Oh, no worries at all! It was a very reasonable assumption, anyway. Not gonna lie, I almost did that once, but the voice of reasoning inside my head managed to convince me for the first time ever that I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. That’s the only reason why I’m standing right now in front of you with a dog’s face tattooed on me instead of ‘Brandon’ written on my wrist with the worst font you could possibly imagine. Such a cliché name, as well. Never say never, girl, we’ve gotta be openminded. This is really exciting. And even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll have gained a new girl friend, at least. In my book, this is still a win. Now tell me, do you have a specific type?

It was now or I was going to be stuck for a while because I’d be to big to move.  That’s so sweet and I may take you up on it soon. Because I’m going at the rate of one box a day so far.  I can try but I’ve been eating them all so watch your hands! Thank you twice! 

Imagine 50 dog tattoos on my back. I’ll be in the makeup room for ages! Really? You’d be attracted if there were 30 dog head tattoos on my back? Seems fake. Trust me, I need help. That’d be great, I would probably need to.go out a bit more for that to happen. I don’t shop much, except for like groceries. Snacks are my kryptonite. Same… No judgment from me.

Hey, it’s not my fault you appear half naked all the time! Yeah, you’ve got a point. Now that I think about it, a collection of dog heads on anyone’s back sounds bizarre and creepy as hell. You need help? Now that seems fake. I’ll bite, though. Tell me who you want to wow. Trust me, my own love life may suck, but I give out amazing advice. Are you telling me you don’t have the urge to buy a million new things for your house? I don’t have that much self control. I’m the same with snacks, especially doughnuts. Which ones are your favorite? 

I think it’s really one-sided. Does she have your name and your face on her body? I don’t think so.  You should be careful, maybe I have an infinity dreamcatcher flowery tattoo, I could be really offended by what you say. But does she? Or does she just pretend to love you so you get her food and all of that. I’m saying never, this is me, saying never ever. I’ve had great dogs, actually, I just don’t have one right now, I don’t think bringing a dog in an apartment would be fair while there are so many houses around. And how is that going for you?

Well, no, but she really can’t have an opinion on the matter. Until someone figures out how to decipher dog barks, at least. She has my name and phone number on her collar and doggy ID, though, which is pretty similar. An infinity dreamcatcher flowery tattoo? Damn, that would be a very bold choice. If you have such a tattoo, I’m really sorry. Of course she does -- don’t pull ill thoughts in my head, because I’ll lose my sleep tonight. Boohoo Joe, you are no fun! So we’ll not get you a dog, but there are plenty of other pets that you can have in an apartment. Hamsters, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, or even a lizard. Once you accept it, it only gets easier. Have you been in Bayview for long?