Ziggy Stardust Enthusiast

A guy on my school’s baseball team that I’m kinda friendly with gave me his number but I’ve texted it before and he never responded and I wanna text him to congratulate him on the game they just won to go to the conference championship but idk it feels awkward now this is why I hate asking for people’s numbers because then you have to send the first text and they might not respond also I hope he doesn’t think I line him because I tried to make it very clear that day that I just wanted to be friends the extent of my feeling for this guy is friend crush

I failed a prerequisite class that’s only offered in the fall and now I can’t take my spring classes so I’ve put myself back an entire academic year. Everyone’s telling me that’s it fine and not a big deal but it’s not and it is. I genuinely feel like killing myself over this. I don’t even know how to tell my parents atp because I’ve lied to them so many times over the past few months that I was doing fine and everything was okay when I wasn’t and everything wasn’t okay and then I lied to them about my final grades because I thought I could fix this. They already went through this with my older brother and they told me to learn from his mistakes and I didn’t. I have no excuse for what I’ve done. It was so expensive for them when this happened to my brother and my university is way more expensive than his. If I take a leave of absence it won’t be as expensive but I’m still behind an entire year. They’ll most likely just pull me from school and my entire academic future will come to an end. How could they justify still sending me to school after what I’ve done? They spent too much time and money on me for me to fail the way I did. I thought this semester would be different. I thought I’d be better than last fall year but I was worse. I’ve massively fucked myself and my parents over. They still need to put my younger brother through high school and the university and my older brother has one more year left until he graduates. It’s so expensive because we all go to private schools. They made all those sacrifices as immigrant parents just for me to do this. I don’t deserve what they’ve done for me. I don’t deserve what they keep doing for me. I’m supposed to be an adult but really adults don’t make mistakes like this. There’s so many people whose parents don’t pay for their tuition and I’ve just wasted it. I can’t believe I even let them take me on vacation. I looked them in the eyes every day I saw them over this winter break and lied to them. Why can’t I be as good as everyone else? Why can’t I stop being such a disappointment to them? My dad was the first in his family to go to college and he didn’t have any of the help or resources I have and he was able to do it but I couldn’t. The family I have who grew up in Nigeria and came to the U.S. for college are doing better than I am and they had less than me. I’m spoiled. I’m lazy. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. I don’t deserve their love or help because I’m a horrible daughter. They deserved better than a failure like me. Nothing will fix this. I’ve never wanted to hurt myself more than I do now. I’ve never wanted to die more than I do now.