vent blog

everything is falling into place i used 2 FORCE myself 2 fantasize abt women and indulge intrusive thoughts, felt anxious and uncomfortable, assumed that was arousal bc i have never had any sort of comfortable sexual experience with anyone at all OR i felt guilty for being uncomfortable bc that meant i was homophobic somehow and i was disappointing my friends (which like. girl what). all the while i had no way of ever discerning any of this bc my friends had me convinced i was bi and were constantly putting me in sexual situations and environments i was not ready for or comfortable with and telling me i needed to loosen up. I WAS CONVINCED I WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE I WASN'T AND I WAS IN CONSTANT DISTRESS OVER IT BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE BC WOMEN SEXUALLY GROSS ME OUT. i still find myself constantly questioning my own attraction to the point of obsession bc i was that desperate to fit in w ppl who did not care about me or my well-being at all

these ppl did permanent sexual damage to me and i still feel guilty about not hanging out with them