YovanaWrites

i don't hate it but i also don't find it hot. like maybe it's because it's usually mostly written in the same way or maybe it's because i prefer men to just be silent lol

or maybe a few words here and there. but some of these characters have full blown conversations with the fmc and i'm always just blankly reading it. the amount of times "pu$$y", "cQck" and of course pet names are used is just... a tiny bit too much for my taste?

i felt so lost these past few months and after a long journey of traveling and searching through my mind i believe i found some answers.

before i'm a writer i'm a reader. and as someone who goes down rabbit holes i find myself reading comments, posts and reviews of books i have interest in starting or books i have finished.

each time i read about an author and their work i find myself being more and more afraid of publishing my own stuff. which leads me to having a creators block (me not allowing myself to be creative) which then leads me for not writing anything for days or weeks.

when this happens i tend to compare myself to others. then i start think i need to move like others (how i post, what i post, if i'm going to be an indie author or if i'll turn to traditional publishing etc.). this is all happening while I have 0 books ready to be published. i have only finished 1 draft so far and that story was very unauthentic.

my dreams turned into something very ugly which is thinking in numbers. how many words i'm supposed to write (per day, week, month, year), how many times on social media am i supposed to post, how many followers should i have before blah blah

SO this love for writing that i have cannot breathe because i have let myself be consumed by irrelevant things.

when i figured out my own limitations I HAVE decided to be my authentic self no matter what. to say this is making me very uncomfortable is an understatement but here we are. ME ME ME ME ME ME! I AM GOING TO BE ME!

YOU SHOULD BE YOU!

p.s here are some pics i took this week (most were taken today).

i came across this question on twitter today and it made me pause and think about something that happened recently.

i'm a fan of sports but i don't watch it religiously. i'll watch it if i'm in the mood which happens to be often. if i'm busy, i'll simply check the scores and move on with my day.

i have a desire to attend a few matches in the future but i'm not in a rush as i am not a hardcore fan.

recently a basketball team my entire family and friends loves started playing well. i like basketball but on the list of my favorite sports it's probably 3rd. football being 1st and hockey 2nd.

the basketball team i support has amazing fans so going to one of the games is almost like watching a performance between players and fans.

i bought the ticket and a day before the game i realized i actually had no desire to go. i sat down and asked myself why am i going. i didn't have an answer right away so i dropped it and moved on.

that question made me think about it.

and the truth is i wanted to be SEEN going. i wanted to post in on social media and tell people it was a great experience but deep down i didn't actually want to go.

the game was amazing (i saw videos afterwards) but again i didn't actually want to go.

i did so much healing this year. i traveled through so many different parts of my mind and memories to heal wounds and i couldn't be more proud of myself. but even with that i still catch myself wanting to be liked and loved by others.

was that my ego wanting to be satisfied?

this year had been so intense for me but i've made some major breakthroughs i'm grateful for. i had a deep feeling this mercury retrograde was going to be intense for me.

and it is.

last night i thought i was losing my mind but today i'm laughing at it because for the first time i don't feel fear facing my demons. in fact i like it. does that mean i truly lost it?

anyway i noticed something interesting. not sure if this is because my mars in sag or what it is but the amount of energy i have is making me feel almost sick. like i don't know what to do because i want to do everything and nothing at the same time.

i've been doing things with the speed of light. for example if i clean i do it so fast i feel like i'm on fire. i even get goosebumps. then because my mind is also working fast i struggle to speak properly. it's like millions of thoughts want to go through my mouth but they can't because i'm not taking it easy.

i lowkey love it and hate it at the same time LOL.

i started reading this book and jesus christ am i reading it fast. like slow the fuck down, where's the rush????

ANYWAY: i'm inviting you to a forum for book lovers! we are NOT a book club, i promise. there are no mandatory readalongs or anything like that. we just love books!!

the link is here: https://freeliteracy.jcink.net

there is absolutely NO pressure for you to join, or for you to post this publicly. hell, you can even blatantly ignore me. that's fine. i don't mind.

i simply want to talk to more people about books, and if it takes messaging individuals, than i'll do that!

anyway, i really hope that you and yours have a good week, and if you made it this far, thank you for your time!

JAY

It took me 12 years to realize that I've always been deeply ashamed of experiencing menstruation. I never said it out loud, I never even admitted it to myself but it was always there. In the way I hid my pads and tampons from people, how I'd look around in the store to see if a man saw me get them because I didn't want him to think I'm disgusting (this was when i was much younger but still). the world made me think that having a period means being dirty, crazy and too emotional.

i forced myself to be 'normal' during it because i didn't want to be weak. i didn't want to not go to school because the pain was too much. i hated when i leaked through my pants because ew, i hated when i'd get tired randomly, or when the pain forced me to lay down and rest.

you know what hits like crack?

when you paused reading for like 2 weeks for whatever reason and you come back and that first book alters your brain chemistry

YES PLEASE

i just finished my first ever draft WOHOOO

yay me!!

i just deleted instagram, tiktok and facebook. these three social media's used purely for connecting with friends, family and people that i've interacted with at some point

this year i realized how sick and tired i was of seeing the same bullshit over and over again. people trying to prove something to someone (i was one of those people as well) either by posting about how "happy" they were or something that was unoriginal and simply not real.

i got sick of it and never did anything about it. i'd log in and scroll and then log out. this would be an ongoing cycle for like an entire day.

i wanted to be angry with certain people for not being there for me at my lowest. that period was so dark and i still don't know how i made it out.

i look back at that time and even though i felt like shit and could barely leave my house i still gave pieces of myself to people in my life. i still did my best to be there for others and whenever i'd sense that i can't handle people or that i might turn mean or whatever i would take a step back. it was better to have them think i was ignoring them than me saying something hurtful that i did not even mean.

and now a few years later i'm not angry at them anymore but i'm still hurt. because back then i craves a simple how are you or a small act of kindness and i didn't get it.

the most heartbreaking realisation is when you'll randomly go about your day and at one point you make a mistake. it can be something as small as breaking a glass or spilling stuff everywhere.

and the feelings and thoughts that emerge would be brutal.