"YouWriteLikeAGirl!"

Mourning is never ending,

Maybe 1 year from now, we'll sit in our first home, cuddled up on the couch watching GoT reruns. Perhaps I'll know how to cook a proper meal by then, and we'll make happy humming noises after each bite. Maybe 2 years from now, We'll have our very own dog - a husky named Rocket with beautiful blue eyes and a thick coat of fur, or a tan, little Pomeranian named Bash, who despite all the barking, happens to be ridiculously handsome. Maybe we'll argue about who has to take the dog out for walks or who's turn it is to pick up all the poop. Maybe 3 years from now, We'll be in a hospital room somewhere as I give birth to our first child. A baby girl - like you've always said you've wanted. Maybe she'll have my big, almond-shaped eyes and your plump, pink lips. She'll curl her fingers around yours as soon as she enters the world & maybe she'll continue to hold your hand for the rest of her life after that. There are so many "maybes" "what if's" & "possibilities." Thank you for not being one of them. You are a certainty; always there for all the "maybes" that have become reality, and all those that are yet to come.

Message to my bubbs 🌹

You love me - even when I can't stand myself, And I'm still trying to figure out what that means, But what I do know is that getting to know you has taught me so much about myself, more importantly, How my heart weeps with empathy and compassion and my soul overflows with overwhelming gratitude. Loving you has helped me see myself through different eyes - with a lover's gaze instead of an enemy's. I never knew that I could feel this way about myself.

I want to have a moment of pure honesty here. There are certain things that we experience that need to be voiced in order to help those who feel like they're in similar situations and can't speak out. If you look through my personal social medias or even meet me in person, you'll know that I've been in a committed relationship for about 2 years now with a man that I am completely in love with. However, I have had my fair share of unfortunate relationships. I want to speak out on one that was extremely unhealthy without going too much into detail. Some of us may be in toxic relationships without even realizing it. It's more than just physical assaults. Being hit is obviously wrong, but if your partner talks down on you, doesn't allow you to communicate with other people (even a member of a group project), and displays this overall intense possessiveness over you, something is not right. I was talked down on, never allowed to talk to other men, I was kept from some of my friends at times. There were physical things that I do not want to go into, but this person would always punch into walls when upset, he locked car doors and grasped my wrist so tight to keep me from stepping out of his vehicle. I was slapped and hit, and my head was even pushed against a car window once. The person would make threats like "if you talk to that guy, I will beat you." When things ended, I received a message saying "I dare you to find someone else. You're my b!#**." Even after I experienced all of these things, I still didn't realize I had been in an abusive relationship. (I was in denial, or just naive and ignorant on the subject). It wasn't until a male friend of mine reached over to pull a hair out of my face & I flinched, out of unexpected fear, that I started to question things. I found myself googling "was I in an abusive relationship?" I've learned that if you even have to question it, the answer is most likely yes. I didn't speak out. I didn't want to victimize myself or cause problems. To this day, there are so many people in my life who have no idea that this even occurred. My parents are unaware of this, and I'm not sure I'll ever tell them. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I don't want to hurt them. Still, I felt compelled to share my story. Even if it helps one person out there who may be in something toxic the way I was, then I'm glad. It's difficult when you've attached yourself to someone, but if someone treats you wrong or ever lays a hand on you, please, for the love of God, remove yourself from that situation in any way that you can. If you're scared and things have escalated too quickly, go to the police. There are no levels to this. Don't think "well he does this, but at least he hasn't hit me," because the reality is it's only a matter of time. Whether it's verbal abuse or physical abuse, it is still abuse. & It's not okay to stay silent. Leave what is wrong, so that you can experience a love that is right. When you leave a toxic relationship, there are things that you carry with you to future relationships. Some good & some bad. I swore off boys for a year, until my boyfriend and I got together, and still some of the insecurities and problems I developed from that relationship appeared in the one I'm currently in. It has been a growing process. My boyfriend has taught me what a healthy relationship is. We communicate so well. There is a healthy amount of jealousy, not to the point of possessiveness. He would never lay a hand on me, and treats me better than I could have ever asked. There is so much to learn from a negative situation. Determine what you will and will not stand for. Please know that you are worthy of a greater love. Don't make excuses for someone that is hurting you - whether emotionally or physically. And speak out when something makes you feel uncomfortable. You may have physical scars to tell your story, but even if you don't, that doesn't mean it isn't worth telling. We have voices for a reason, never let yours go unheard.

Some things I've learned: 1) Sometimes, not even all the kindness you have to give can remove a heart of all its bitterness. 2) Not everyone will open themselves up to you. People may hate you without reason, before ever getting to know you. (No sense in beating yourself up about that.) 3) Relationships will keep you going. Romantic, friendship, family wise. Human interaction is the meaning for life. To form relationships is to love, and to love is to live.  4) People can surprise you. It takes just one moment of honesty to turn a stranger into a friend. 5) Time is a scary thing. You will always feel like there is never enough of it -but, you have all the time in the world. To be successful, to be happy, to be in love, to be free. 6) You will never have to explain yourself to anyone. Follow your heart &  your dreams. Do what makes you happy, and be with the people you love. Real joy speaks for itself.

Are you writing new things? Please write more poems about love and soulmates.

21

Our Story

It’s hard to continue watering a plant when you cannot physically see its growth, I know. But all things take time.  Love, careers, passions. Sometimes require months and years of effort, before you get to indulge in any of the rewards.

I still remember the first time you stared at me that way. I was speaking gibberish, my own made-up phrases that others might have found odd. But not you. (I loved & still love that about you) You turned your face towards mine, with a look that yelled "I LOVE YOU." & I remember thinking I had waited all my life for this moment. I had always wanted that - A love that screamed in silence. I never believed that I would find it.

Sometimes, she is so sad she can barely pick herself up off the bathroom floor. And other times, she is the waves crashing against rocks with the same frequency, never losing intensity. Regardless, in her strongest and weakest forms, she is blue. There’s irony in the way that she hates to be the center of attention and chooses a hair color that makes her exactly that. And maybe this is her cry for help, her attempt to be seen, her subconscious telling her that she wants to be the center of attention, maybe not to everyone, but to someone. Someone who loves the color blue.

I don't want to think about having to say goodbye to you anymore. Or the thousands of texts between each meeting, like the written "I love you's" that should have been verbal expressions exchanged face to face not iPhone to android. I don't want to think about missing you anymore. Or worse, engage in the act of doing so. I want a removal of the distance, like a reversal of the plate tectonics. This time not a separation, but a connection of the lands. I want to wake up every morning seeing your face beside mine, feeling the intense happiness that comes with being able to kiss you, to whisper good morning into your ear rather than the speaker of a smart phone. Long distance can often feel like watching a baseball game on television. I no longer want to watch through the screens. I want to be front row center, in real-time. Live. I want to wake up each day and do life with you. So take me out to the ball game. If that's where you are - it's already home.

Love always seemed like an intangible thing in the far, distant future. If it was anything like in the movies, it'd be magical and full of sunshine, and seem way too good to be true. And when I found it, I was stunned. While yes it is magical, I have found that love is everything they warn you about. It's bickering over what to watch or where to eat, it's unintentionally raising your voice when you're upset or bothered, it's arguing, and overcoming those arguments, it's crying tears of sadness. But it's also crying tears of joy. it's hugging, and holding hands, and cuddling, and kissing. It's fighting through the bad for the good. Love is nothing like I thought it'd be, yet everything that I hoped it would be. It's the complete embracement of a person's entire being. It's purchasing the whole package without wanting to return any of the pieces. The pretty, the ugly - love is the acceptance of all of it...Which is nothing short of magical.