o

I wish I could speak. I wish I could look directly at you and lay out everything going on so you could repair me. No one can really know what's portrayed behind glass. Sometimes I wish I could take a mallet and crumble this glass house. Let you suffer through insecurities just so I could feel not alone in this plastic world. Till you grab my hand and help me torch barbies house until puddles and purses line hallways where everything that's pretend is revealed and there lies truth in bed with sin. And I could watch them undress themselves shamelessly. Unstitching the seams of our reality. Unteaching our brains. Pulling out of normality. But too bad my hands are bloodied from the glass and you ran to built another with tinted glass this time.

Watching each flake drop. Endlessly poring from the sky as if the gods themselves had so much to spare of it. I never want it to stop. The way it covers the tracks, roads, and the cars. As if its a sign reminding us that we were not the first creatures on earth. I love the way it will cover the earth into a soundless blanket. Leaving only the gleaming ice and sounds of cold. It feels royal, it feels powerful. Creatures will stop, and water will yield to it, freezing itself to it. It..feels foreign, for me even because it is different than anything I remember seeing. Every time it appears, I am mesmerized by the purity of it. But the sheer force it has. It stops me. I wish winter was forever, I wish spring slow and summer would cease. I crave the ice to maybe stop all the pain I feel. Freezing every inch of trauma in my spine, shattering it and maybe cleansing me. I wish the white snow would cover me in a blanket and white out my brain. But even my wishes are void. Because, the ice yields to no one. Except heat. And it seemed you were just that. Melting me into a giant puddle on the floor in an oven, I cannot repair and now I am trapped here. Warm, water. Ready to be consumed by algea. Why did this happen? Because you are my weakness. I am drawn towards you and...and you look at me and you hate me because i am no longer who I was. You love someone else... I'll be anything for you. I conform for you. I will change for you. But the closer I get the less of me that's left. Because the flames that used to gleam on my ice is now a puddle with steam coming from me. Just take me back outside. Let me evaporate away in hopes I will fall next season and learn where ice is royal, where snow stopped the world on its axis. Not this. Please not this. Let me fall into a quiet pile in the grass and cover up the scorch marks on this pain. Maybe things will then change.

But between the cracks, and between the time you sat here. What could i ever do to reverse this? What could i do that time had not? The foundation is set. Time is done here. You can only save yourself from time. You are the foundation.

*(Kind of an older and more hurtful poem)* I feel as if there is a wall seperating me from everyone else. I am alone in a glass box while everyone else walks by....I hope when i love again my flaws will dissapear like all the shitty thoughts that echo through me. I echo because my heart's not ready to catch more shit than it already does. It rattles me deeply and scares me more than death. I am scared of being left empty and suffering on a bed wondering 'did i fuck up again?' I want to know where the timelines are because half the time i dont know if i am even in the past or presemt. I am so mixed on where i am that a map is art, and a clock is an option. I am so disoriented that when someone says they love me am ready to lean in for balance. Because God knows if i fall i won't be able to get back up. There is no life alert i can wear to get the help i would need. I feel fragile like glass but agile enough to cut someone spontaneously. Ready to blow up. But scared to let my feelings blow up along side. Maybe if i blow up it will take this glass box with it. Maybe once it comes time to break the glass i can put this heart to use rather than hurting me and i could catch my balance for once.

'She's the one.'

2 am....ha...Right now....Or right in my life I feel as if I am finding the motivation I lost. I am finally collecting these broken pieces of my life. Like plucking seashells from the sand after a huge hurricane. Cause now the storm has settled. It has been awhile...But things will never be the same. The biggest pains in life are ypur biggest droughts, your biggest fires, your biggest storms...But they are what shape you. Define your future self. No metal was forged without change of its original shape. I just hope I can allow myself to change and unravel.