Before I had Piper I was a size 3-5. I was thin. I was strong. I weighed 115 lbs- but I was painfully unhealthy- both physically and mentally. At that point in my life I had struggled with an eating disorder for 8 years. Those push you to lie, a lot. To lie out of fear of their judgment, to lie out of being at a loss for an explanation, to lie out of embarrassment. They push you to hate so many people. You end up resenting the people you see who don't seem to struggle the way that you do, the people who look the way that you want to, the people who seem so comfortable in their own skin. They cause you to hate yourself. They destroy your body. Mine permanently damaged my digestive system. Mine caused me to have constant anxiety about everything- eating, going in public, being around people, meeting new people, being stuck in a car, buying clothes, picking out clothes, striking up conversations, being looked at, being spoken to, existing. When I found out I was pregnant, I stopped. I had to stop. I was forced to stop. I had no right to destroy her. I had no right to deprive her of what she needed to develop and grow. I had no right to hate HER the way I had hated myself. I stayed relatively small throughout my pregnancy, wearing size 5 or small maternity jeans, up until the last month or two when e weight hit me like a train and took my total gain to 35 lbs. I had never been so heavy in my life- but for the first time in my life, I didn't hate myself for my size. Fast forward to after having her- I lose 20 lbs that first week, which took my gain to 15 lbs. At 5'1" you definitely saw the 15 lbs, but I'd just had a baby, so I gave myself a break. The situation I was living in was the furthest thing from healthy- physically, mentally and emotionally. I put every single ounce of that weight back on. I hated myself. Everything. It has been over It has been over four years now, and I still struggle with this. Every day I do- BUT, I'm trying to learn to love me as I am. I'm trying to learn to see the beauty in how my body falls, rests, sits, folds, squishes and jiggles. The world only has one me, and it needs me, so I need to love me. #bopo #loveyourself #bodypositive
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