Kandi

“Uhh, how’s the milk? Uhuhuh.”

Beavis has been spending his time looking through the apartment fridge for food ,all while Butthead watches tv with their pet lizard Susan resting on his lap. The boys both don’t eat healthily so the fridge is filled with takeout leftovers, beer and some milk. As Beavis reaches for the carton of milk he can’t help but ponder about something.

“Hey um, babe? How long ago did we buy milk? Hmmheh.”

Beavis and Butthead, now both 26 years old have been dating for a few months now. They both got accustomed to romantic domestication pretty quickly but most of the time nothing has really changed much in terms of how their relationship has functioned. They still spend all day watching tv, say stupid jokes to each other and fight like petty children. However now they also make out, go on dates and score with each other regularly. Just a few things that “normal” gay couples in Texas were supposed to do.

Butthead scratches Susan’s head and replies to Beavis’s question.

“Uhh, I dunno. Like, a while ago?”

Beavis opens the carton only for him to get hit with the worst stench he could have possibly had ever experienced.

“AGGHHHH! BUTTHEAD! THIS SMELLS LIKE CRAP!”

“Uhh, how can milk smell like crap? It’s like, milk. Uhuhuh.”

“I know but like, it smells really bad!”

Butthead lets out a big sigh.

“Hold up Beavis, I’m coming over there.”

Butthead puts Susan down on the floor and gets up from the couch in order to walk over to the fridge. As Beavis shows him the carton of milk, Butthead can also smell a disgusting odour emanating from it.

“Ugh, what the hell Beavis?! It’s like, expired or something.”

“Expired? How do you know that?

“Look at the letters and numbers on it dumbass. Van Driessen told me that if like, the numbers and letters on my phone calendar change right after what it says on the carton, we like, can’t drink from it anymore.”

“Oh really? Hm, this sucks! Hmmmheh.”

Beavis walks over to an open window in the apartment and throws the expired carton of milk out onto the streets.

“So what the hell do we do now Butthead? We like, don’t have any milk for our breakfast or something. Hmmheh. Fuck, do we have to go out and buy milk?”

Butthead rummages through the kitchen drawers until he finds the apartment keys.

“No you assmuch! We need that money for when we like, buy a motorcycle or something. We could just steal some milk. Uhuhuh.”

Beavis gets excited over the suggestion of theft.

“Wait stealing? Is this a date!? Hmmmheh.”

“Uhh, yeah. Uhuhuhuh. Susan can like, watch over our apartment while we go out.”

“Yes! YES!!! DATE! DATE! hmmmheh.”

After a little while driving, Beavis and Butthead arrived at their local grocery store at the end of the neighbourhood block. After they both exit the car, the two dimwitted young men start to formulate a plan.

“Ok Beavis. I’m gonna go and like, distract that bunghole working the cash register. You go and steal the milk and whatever stuff we need for our date. Uhuhuh.”

Beavis is starting to get worried.

“I dunno Butthead, wouldn’t I like, get caught and stuff? Maybe you could steal the milk while I distract the cash register dude? Hmmheh.”

“Uhh, I’m not doing that shit you dumbass. You have like skinnier legs than me to run fast or something. Besides if you try distract him he’s gonna think you’re single and you wanna sleep with him or something.”

“Ohhh yeah, yeah that’s true.”

“Just leave the talking to me Beavis. You go in there and steal us some milk and beer. Uhuhuh.”

“Yes sir! Hmmmheh.”

Both Beavis and Butthead enter the grocery store to execute their plan. The vibe of the store as they enter is quite pleasant as lanes of colourful fruit and vegetables filled up the aisles on both sides. As Beavis heads towards the drink aisle, Butthead spots the cashier who is reading from a magazine and proceeds to approach him.

“Uhh, are you like, the cash machine guy? Uhuhuhuh.”

The man puts down his magazine and looks up towards Butthead.

“Oh, welcome. Can I help you with something?”

“Uhh, do have like, cigarettes in here? Uhuhuh.”

The main points towards the many stocked packs of cigarettes that is right behind him.

“Yes sir we do indeed have them. We also have some vapes here if you’re interested.”

“Uhh, ok. So like, do you have this specific brand I like?”

“Oh which one is it?”

“Uhh, big butt cigarettes? Uhuhuhuh. Big butt. Uhuhuh.”

The man then turns around towards the cigarettes to find the brand Butthead was asking for.

“No sir I don’t think we have those, in fact I don’t think they even exist.”

“Ok then. Uhuhuh. So like, do you have any E-rech-chon cigarettes? Uhuhuhuh.”

“You mean electric cigarettes?”

“Uhh, you heard what I said. E-rech-chon. Uhuhuh.”

….

Meanwhile, Beavis walks across the store until he reaches the drink fridges where the milk and beer resides. He may not know what specific brand to get but he does remember that the colour of the milk carton packaging was a bright vibrant blue. As he looks into the milk section of the fridges he finally finds the carton he’s looking for. And so Beavis grabs it and tries to shove it discreetly underneath his hoodie. He also looks into another fridge to find the usual cans of beer he and his boyfriend usually drink and shove it under his hoodie as well. As he looks into his reflection in the fridge glass, Beavis realises that the shape of the smuggled items underneath his hoodie makes him look like a pregnant woman so he giggles a little.

“Hmmmheh. Pregnant. Hmmheh.”

….

“For the last time sir I don’t know what the Uranus brand of gum is.”

“Uhh, well look harder for it. Uhuhuhuh. Uranus. Uhuhuh.”

“Look sir I’m going to have to make you leave the store.”

Suddenly Butthead can see Beavis walk towards him with the stolen milk and beer that he smuggled underneath his hoodie.

“Well I was just leaving right now with my pregnant girlfriend. Uhuhuh.”

“Really, your pregnant girlfriend.”

Beavis tries hard to put on a girly voice and act like his water is about to break.

“Ooooh shit! Butthead the baby is coming! Hmmheh. Dumbass.”

“Yeah. Uhuhuhuh. So like, we’re going to the hos-pedal now. So, uhh, later asswipe.”

As Beavis and Butthead quickly leave the grocery store, they quickly realise that the security alarm went off and their cover is blown.

“HEY!! YOUR’E STEALING FROM THE STORE!!”

“AHHH! BUTTHEAD WE’RE CAUGHT!!”

“I know! Get in the car dumbass!!”

The two young men ran towards where their car is parked. Once they arrived, Butthead scrambled to get his car keys from his pocket to open the door all while Beavis unzips his hoodie and accidentally having the smuggled items fall onto the ground. The impact of the fall left the milk and beer to be smashed, causing liquid to spill out on the hot concrete.

“BEAVIS YOU FUCKING BUTTKNOCKER!!”

“AGGGGGGHH, NOOOOO!!!”

Beavis attempts to pick up the milk and beer and threw them inside the car’s backseat as soon as Butthead opens the door. The two scrambled to get inside of the car, turn on the engine and drove away from the scene. As they drive further, they can hear the store clerk still yelling at them.

“GET BACK HERE!! IM GONNA CALL THE COPS ON YOU!!”

Butthead slaps Beavis after they both escaped the grocery store parking lot.

“OWWWW. WHAT THE HELL BUTTHEAD!”

“You spilled all of our milk and beer you bunghole! Now we have to go and like, buy more milk instead of stealing.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry about that. Hmmheh.”

Butthead lets out a sigh as he rubs the bridge of his nose.

“It’s ok Beavis. This sucks. Uhuhuh.”

Beavis and Butthead drove all the way to a hill on the very edge of town and are now sitting on the front of their car with their backs leaning against the window, drinking whatever beer they have left and enjoying the scenery. Despite living in a shithole of a town they gotta admit, when the light of the sunset hits Highland it looks strangely beautiful.

“Hey Butthead, this view sucks. Hmmmheh.”

“Yeah. Uhuhuhuh. This whole town sucks.”

Beavis, after consuming all that’s left of his beer crushes the can with his forehead and drops it on the ground next to the car.

“You know what would make this view better? If this whole town is on FFIRE!! Hmmheh.”

“Uhuhuhuh. That would be cool.”

Butthead also finishes what’s left of his beer can and drops it on the ground.

“Uhh, Beavis. This whole date sucks. We didn’t get new milk and we’re like, stuck here watching this stupid sunset before we get arrested or something.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“Uhh, what are you talking abou..”

Suddenly, Beavis sits himself on Butthead’s lap to the point where he just eclipses the bigger brunette’s view. Butthead becomes nervous and starts to blush.

“Uhhhhhh, Beavis.”

Beavis places a finger on the bottom lip of Butthead’s buck teeth mouth.

“Shhh. Open your mouth buttwipe.”

Butthead starts to relax and does as Beavis says. Beavis then places a hand on his boyfriend’s cheek and leans in to kiss him. They usually both make out on quite rare occasions, mostly when both of them were super in the moment and in love with each other. But Beavis, being the most dominant when it comes to romantic intimacy makes sure to make each moment worth it. As they continue to passionately make out on top of their car, Butthead places his hands onto Beavis’s back and softly rubs it. Then his tongue hits Beavis’s tongue piercing again, it’s one of Butthead’s most favourite moments of their makeout sessions. It’s like tasting steel metal that’s been heated up but not too much that it would end up burning him.

Afterwards, both of the young men break away from their kiss and Beavis wipes away spit from his mouth.

“Hmmmheh. Hey babe, does the view suck now?”

Butthead still feels warm and dizzy.

“Uhhhh, no. I think this is like, much better. Uhuhuhuh.”

Beavis breaks away from Butthead and hops off of the car to stand on the ground that’s next to it.

“Hey um, Butthead. Let’s go home and watch tv. This date sucks anyway. Hmmmheh.”

“Now you’re talking Beavis! Uhuhuhuh.”