Your Harshest Critic

So we have another Gangster Squad on our hands. An abundance of talent: Ridley Scott, Cormac McCarthy, Michael Fassbender, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Diaz, Brad Pitt and Javier Bardem, (now breathe) but the end result is somehow… how to I put this delicately… a steaming pile of horse shite.

Fassbender plays Counsellor, a nameless, but successful lawyer to a variety of scumbags that should more than likely be on the other side of the prison walls. Even though he drives a Bentley, he decides that he could do with more money and gets involved with some of his clients and some of their more questionable cartel friends; sounds like a great plan right? Well, everything goes south and long story short, because of a slight misunderstanding, Counsellor finds himself the target of the cartel’s fury. On paper this is a fantastic plot, so in the film’s defence, at least they got the first step right. Everything from this point however, is about as ridiculous as you can imagine.

Cormac McCarthy is arguably one of the most creative and influential novelists of his age, but it has become apparent that he is about as qualified as a chimpanzee at writing a screenplay. Every line in this movie sounds like a misunderstood parable and while McCarthy may have been aiming for a cool, slick script, what he has achieved is a film that sounds like it is bullshitting you every step of the way, like a used car salesman trying to nail down that extended warranty.  This unnatural and stilted script is the bane of the cast’s efforts, making a group of acting veterans look like a class of school children putting on a nativity, but with sex, drugs and partial decapitations.

As much as I don’t want to, I have to spend a minute talking about Cameron Diaz’s exploits in this movie; her terrible, terrible exploits. If you ever felt like you have seen everything a film could offer, you might be surprised by The Counsellor. Sometimes I say I love my car, Jeremy Clarkson might say he really loves his cars and Batman will probably always love his car, but let me tell you that NOBODY will love a car, like Cameron Diaz loves a car in this film. I have never been in a cinema and had the entire room frozen in awkward silence like this and I will never be able to look at a catfish the same again.

I like Tina Fey and Paul Rudd; I find something about their family friendly, apple pie, occasionally offensive humour, completely comforting. You know when you watch any of their films, you're not going to be annoyed, or stressed out. It is probably because of this that Admission,  an obviously 2 dimensional, by the book rom-com actually found its way into my good graces.

Portia Nathan (Fey) is a highly strung, workaholic admissions officer at Princeton University. She is ruthless and militant in her duties, if only to outshine her odious rival, but when she learns that she may have a son and he may want to study at Princeton, she has to decide whether or not to bend the rules and take a risk on a student that would normally be rejected faster than the Lost finale.

I had heard that this film was about as bad as Michael Jackson in his song of the same name and he is really, REALLY bad, but part of me struggled to accept this. I grew up with the likes of Martin Riggs, Axel Foley and John McClane and to believe that one of my childhood heroes had been ruthlessly ravaged by the money grabbing, Hollywood studios was believable, but still hard to handle; especially considering that Die Hard 4.0 was actually good!

AGDTDH, as well as being a complete car crash of a title, is a poor excuse for a Die Hard film, in fact, I'd be happier to disavow the connection entirely and pretend that it is a separate entity that just happens to have the same characters, played by the same actors, with a similar title (I say as I rock back and forth, trying to remember the good old days).

AGDTDH is an onslaught of action that stumbles into frame with the same elegance and sense, as a drunken hippopotamus on roller-skates. On top of this, throw in a series of jokes ad nauseum that go over and over the following two topics: Bruce Willis is old and father/son issues.

But, without a doubt the worst part of this movie, is that [SPOILERS] they kill off the antagonist for seemingly no reason aside from recreating the final death-cam of Hans Gruber in the original Die Hard. Why on Earth would you remind audiences of Die Hard?! Oh yeah guys, remember that film that is vastly superior to this in every imaginable way? Remember how good the first one was? Well, how the mighty have fallen.

Hollywood, if you insist on meddling with 80s and 90s action royalty, please do so with some respect. I don't want to see Lethal Weapon 5 if Riggs and Murtauph are reduced to a slapstick pantomime; or Rambo 5 if Sly moves to the big city and has to deal with the pressures of holding down an office job... Well actually, that last one might not be half bad.

Duncan is a 3, he might think he's a 6, but according to Trent (Steve Carell) he's a loser. If this sounds harsh, it's because it is and if you're paying attention, you'll realise Carell is playing a character that doesn't exactly fall in his wheelhouse of pleasant underdogs.

Trent is Duncan's mother's boyfriend and he is every bit as obnoxious as he sounds. Imagine Matt Berry's character from The IT Crowd, but without the humour and with even less charm.

So Duncan has to put up with this unbearable guy putting the moves on his mum. On top of this, his mum has a ton of self-esteem issues; actually, if she thought any less of herself, she'd have 'welcome' stamped across her back. If you haven't picked up on it yet, Duncan is having a difficult time as a teenager and he hasn't really got anybody to turn to either.

That is until he meets Owen (Sam Rockwell) working at a water park while his family are on holiday. Owen is the role model that Duncan needs and through him, he can finally start to develop emotionally. Owen is like the perfect house party; he is effortlessly cool, confidence inducing and always a great time. In fact, the idea of these two people meeting at this point in their lives is so ideal, you'd be forgiven for thinking it is somewhat contrived. This being said, thankfully the movie doesn't feel overly sappy.

There's no argument really, Marvel films have free reign over the box office. They're like the cool kids at school; all the other students hate them a little bit, they're kind of obnoxious, but God damnit are they popular and TTDW is no different, sitting pretty at the top of the opening weekend charts.

In this instalment, things are a tad more sinister than Thor's first solo outing and the stakes have been raised, even by comic book standards. If you thought that elves either earned a crust grafting for Santa Claus, or spent too long combing their hair like Legolas, you might be shocked by the third category of pointy eared, mythical creatures. Malekith, is leader of the Dark Elves and his business isn't toy making, or forest prancing; he's more interested in plunging every world into eternal darkness and it is Thor's job to stop him, because what good is the God of Thunder if he's not going to work weekends policing the world?

With fan favourite Loki playing an integral part and another handful of references to the Avengers movie, audiences are kept happy and Thor 2 merges seamlessly with the Marvel universe that is coming to life bit by bit on the big screen.

I thought this film was going to be a 6/10, you know, offering nothing particularly special, but not being completely offensive either, kind of like an album by Snow Patrol, or a slice of bread. If only I was right; Now You See Me is laughably bad and if you have seen this movie and you're thinking it wasn't THAT terrible, I'm sorry, but you're wrong; this is not opinion, it is fact.

I could ALMOST agree with you, but I cannot forgive the ending to this film. Throughout the movie this elaborate mystery is composed with seemingly thoughtful exactitude. It is the kind of mystery that would be at home in The Usual Suspects and you are left there waiting for the plot twist to come and elevate the so far unimpressive story to loftier pastures.

When the big reveal DOES happen however, the only elevation that occurs, is the elevation of your palm, as you raise it up to slap your forehead in disbelief at how stupid this film has just become. I have believed that aliens could invade New York city and be thwarted by a team of flamboyant super heroes; I have believed that dinosaurs could be brought back from extinction and I have believed that a giant monkey could terrorise The Empire State building, but the twist in Now You See Me insults suspension of disbelief.

When a film kicks off with aggressively red credits, bullying that makes Biff Tannen look like a sweet-heart and a slow-mo shower scene in the girl's locker room, you kind of know what direction the movie is going to take.

Carrie is painted as the victim from the moment the film begins to roll, however I can't help but feel that her misfortune at school, is at least partly the result of her shower behaviour. I'm sure the slow motion didn't help, but it was like Sissy Spacek had stepped out of a 70s horror flick and in to a porno. Of course I'm exaggerating, but there is definitely something there; something that is conducive to being bullied at school... just saying.

I'm sure by now everybody knows what happens to the poor girl in the shower, but given that there is an impending remake, I'll say SPOILERS may, or may not follow (spoilers definitely follow). Carrie gets her period, in the shower, in front of everyone, which is embarrassing and traumatising enough, but the attack that follows is the straw that breaks the camel's back, allowing Carrie to access her telekinetic powers.

As if her school life wasn't enough, she has a crazy, fundamentalist, Christian mother who would almost certainly be a member of The Westboro Babtist Church if she could. Carrie's mum is abusive and crazy, did I mention she was crazy? Because she is. Talking about Carrie's 'dirty pillows', not suffering witches and preaching about evil periods is just the tip of the iceberg. When Carrie has 'misbehaved' she has to spend time in a cupboard that is a cross between Matilda's chokey, Harry Potter's first bedroom and the Sistine Chapel, so as you can imagine, to say she has an abundance of pent up aggression, is like saying Margaret Thatcher wasn't the most popular Prime Minister. This fury fuels Carrie's power however and the angrier she gets, the more likely it is that somebody is going to be shish-kebabed, or roasted alive and believe me when I say that the prom night conclusion doesn't disappoint on this front.