Hurt Inside Out

You give people too many chances

You need to learn how to say no

Maybe that’s because the last time I put myself first and didn’t look at the whole picture, I lost my best friend

And not just lost between the times and people.

I lost him to another universe

He felt so alone and felt as if no one could understand him that he left without an explanation... without a goodbye

Suicide

Yeah

That’s what I’m talking about

The taboo subject of the consequence of lack of care for another human being.

So yeah, I give people too many chances.

You know what else I do?

I over analyze people

Read them and understand them as if they’re a textbook that I’ll get tested on.

Expressions, words, movements, laughs, tears

I try way too hard to put myself in people’s shoes.

Because I’m afraid that if I don’t pay attention to every single detail, I won’t be able to tell the difference between a fake smile and a true one.

One second it’s beautiful and green

But the next second things start to get dark.

Let me explain.

Imagine looking at the most beautiful painting of a women you’ve ever seen.

Look at it and focus.

Take a deep breath and just imagine staring at her bright sparkling eyes.

How the wind seems to carry her hair through its fingers so flawlessly.

How her dress is revealing just enough for you to stare a little longer.

Breathtaking.

But the darkness starts to crawl around the corners of the painting first.

Black.

Blink.

The darkness is gone.

She’s beautiful again.

Blink.

She has black painted under her eyes.

As if she hasn’t slept in years.

How?

Blink.

She’s beautiful again.

You notice her rosey cheeck and nose.

Blink.

The darkness crawls in again.

It’s mesmerizing the way it paints to show an ugly truth.

Maybe a message?

You can’t take your eyes off the darkness.

It makes its way into her lungs and she becomes one with the darkness.

Terrifying.

Blink.

Fuck.

She’s beautiful again.

But hows that possible?

The longer you stare, the more the darkness in the picture seems like the real painting.

More mesmerizing than the picture you saw first.

Magnetic.

Blink.

She’s dark again.

Just looking at her makes you feel like you’re suffocating, but you can’t look away.

You won’t blink.

You can’t blink.

Reality and fiction of your darkest dreams dance together like they are one.

It’s funny how the same question has gone unanswered for years.

Maybe it’s the way she laughs,

Or maybe it’s the way she flirts with her eyelashes so effortlessly,

Maybe it’s her tiny waist and her flat stomach,

Or maybe it’s her innocent personality!

Somebody please tell me how I can be her.

How can I get people to see me as gorgeous, beautiful and funny as others see her?

Falling asleep.

I wish I hadn’t been too scared to put myself to permanent sleep.

It doesn’t need to be scary,

It could be calming,

With the most amazing of the dreams to be dreamt of.

I thought she would look into my eyes surprised and second guess her emotions.

I thought she wasn’t completely over us.

I want you to need me.

I want you to kiss me like you mean it,