Freddie O'conner

He looked at his brother, knowing something was off. If Ceara had told him everything, it was pointless. Dominic wasn’t going to admit to anything, not when he needed his brothers to behave. “That is what it is,” Dominic said, his voice bordering on a warning. He didn’t need his past creeping up on him, ruining his plans for the season. 

It was like he was hit in the gut. It wasn’t surprising they’d celebrate their milestones with Dominic, but he didn’t expect them to be sneaky about it. Despite his flaws and everything he’d done, Dominic loved his brothers. He wanted them to succeed, but whenever they spoke to him, they’d wanted nothing but mediocrity. “With your own name? He asks, looking anywhere but at his brother. “Or is your work full of love-struck poems dedicated to Mary? Dominic wasn’t sincere in his last question. He’d read Frederic’s work, but Dominic had expectations he didn’t think his brother could meet. 

He squinted his eyes at Dominic, and he frowned at him. "That is what it is. "He said, but he hoped his brother understood his warning too, that he knew more.

"Yes, of course, with my name," He huffed at the fact that Dominic couldn't even look him in the eye. "You can look in the book when we get home. It has my name in it-” He then fixed the button on his sleeve. " No, it wasn't about Mary. It wasn't poems. it's short stories.." He looked to the side. "I wrote it about Ma, actually." He said carefully. "The short story is called 'Edith by Frederic O'Connor." He frowns. " You can read for yourself."

She remembered. The nights after that damned paper was published Mary’s sole comfort was the memories of what they had shared. She remembered passing a notebook between them when they were children. She remembered learning to dance together and being terrible at it even then, but spinning each other around and laughing till they fell down, her stomach hurting from how much they had been chuckling. She remembered dancing in hidden areas near ballrooms, in the corner where eyes couldn’t watch them. The memories made the tears worse, they turned her guilt into a blade that slowly pushed into the space between her ribs, Yes, they made her tears worse, but more often than not thinking back helped her sleep at night.

Now here they were. So much had come to pass between them, so much guilt and despair and heartbreak had come between them and yet he was looking at her with a gaze that held the weight of their separation, yet reminded her of how he used to look at her. He had called her muse, and, oh no… she had called him poet. Oh no- Another apology was about to slip from her lips but before she could gather her words, he said it again. And again… as if her heart was already not faltering enough, he did something even more maddening.

Truth be told, she didn’t fully believe him, for she knew that if she had told him about her families struggles from the start, none of it would have happened. She couldn’t argue with him, though, for when she was about to, to Mary’s shock, he kissed her cheek, her tears, his nose brushing hers, and all Mary could do was stare at him.

“ I should have told you. ” She whispered, moving closer still, her other hand reaching to touch his cheek. “ If I had told you, none of the hurt we would have been feeling right like have happened.” Perhaps that was wishful thinking, but Mary genuinely believed it with her whole heart. She was about to open her mouth to say more, but Freddie continuing silenced her.

Then he started apologizing ( words that felt more painful than anything the paper ruining her had done- Freddie was one of the bravest people she knew ) and Mary couldn't stop herself-

The fact that they hadn't kissed until the night at the tavern- He wished they hadn't. He could have lived without knowing how sweet she tasted. How was he meant to go on knowing that?

"I would have married you without the money- it's" he tells her. My brother, Dominic." He frowns." i'm sorry to say, I think even if you told me...we would not have married." It was wishful thinking.

He wanted to keep saying he was sorry- that it was his fault that they couldn't-

He was silenced by a kiss. It wasn't like their other one- that one was filled with buried down want for the other. This was much softer than the ones before- yet he could feel all of her feelings. He knew her like the back of his own hand. She didn't need to say anything but that kiss- it confirmed everything to him.

He made a slight whimper when she had pulled away from him. He looked at her- the way her expression was half-lidded but still terrified. His own eyes were still soft, and so much affection was still in there. He had forgiven her ages ago. There was no blame there.

He looked around- He knew what would happen if someone came outside. It could ruin them both if anyone saw...if Kitty told Dominic already, and his brother could come out- Mary's sisters could be looking for her...

and yet... He pulled her closer to the wall with his back, hitting against the cool wall of the Barnetts' home, while he pulled her into another kiss. His hands were holding her shoulder- it was almost a needy way to keep her close. They couldn't even say they were dancing anymore. He hoped this soft, gentle kiss showed her the same thing- that he still loves her- that he never once blamed her for anything- that he missed her as much as she did.

He missed his muse- He missed being her poet so much.

"And here I thought I was being polite about denying it," He sighed. "Your family didn't offend me. That's giving you too much credit, Mr. Das." He rolled his eyes. "I do not wish to waste your time with that. Perhaps my darling brothers would be a better fit for you." He doesn't want to waste any of the girls time on him. He isn't a choice they are allowed to make.

"How dare you call me boring!" Her hands balled up into fists and she felt the urge to push him right into the punch bowl to ruin his stupid outfit. But she was in public and she had to hold restraint. "It does work for me! The beauty of this color is that it is in season and is flattering, you absolute idiotic man!" Her voice was rising in pitch, her anger with this conversation getting the best of her.

"You-" Katherine was flabbergasted, she couldn't even finish her thought. How on earth did he manage to continue throwing such hideous words at her? She was on the verge of a tantrum, of screaming and making a dramatic exit. But then she saw his eyes dart over and she quickly followed his gaze. She laughed softly as a smug smile appeared on her face. "Oh I see! You are pining for your lover!"

A plan began forming in her head. She had to be smart about it. Kitty let her smile soften and she let out a sigh. "I understand your frustration. Not being able to be with your loved one is a great challenge indeed! Perhaps..." She looked around as if conspiring with him and leaned in a little. "I could help you see her. If you wish." Her voice low as she spoke. "I could distract your brooding brother so he does not notice."

He seemed rather pleased by the reaction he got from her. She looked ready to throw a fit. Dramatic, this one. He looked shocked. He wanted to cover her mouth. He steps closer to her. A dagger in his gaze. "Do not speak so loudly," he hissed. “Mary is not my lover,” he would never let Mary be viewed as just a lover.

"Now, why in the world would I trust you?" he looked at her with a look. He doesn't look so convinced. He does need this- and he couldn't ask Edgar.

Would the reward of seeing Mary be worth it? That Kitty could spill everything to Dominic anyway- God, he's sure he'd find out no matter what he did. Someone would tell on him- be it Kitty or Lady Whistledown? anyone one. there are eyes and ears everywhere... at least Dominic would be distracted...

“If you’re getting yelled at by more than one person all evening then it must have been something you’ve done,” she sighed. “I think it’s harder and more effort to be such a..” she pauses and tries to collect herself. “What have you done that makes everyone yell at you? Besides myself.”

"Of course, I'm not an idiot," he knows full well it's his fault for everything, for how people treat him. He's not blind to see it. " You think it'd be hard. It's rather easy to be an arse.” It was easier for everyone to dislike him- He could hide the pain so much more easily this way. Is it healthy? No. He knew that.. "I wore red, and I'm not kind?" He huffed out. He was honest at least. " I'm sure you're smart enough to gather that without me telling."

Mary. It was just her name, but the way he said it sent memories flying back to her. Hidden time spent together hunched over journals at balls when they were meant to be socializing. Good morning greetings, farewell goodnights. Time spent together when the pair of them ought to have been resting or should have been with a chaperone. The night but a few days ago spent at the tavern that she only half remembered, but she swore he said her name just like that... though whether she had imagined it or not was beyond her, but the tone reminded her of the feeling of his lips on hers. Warm. Right. She wanted to touch the flush on his cheek with her bare hand, reassuring- She knew what she had done. She did not regret it, she just wished it was his lips she could kiss instead of his hand, though for the beautiful stories he had written with his palm, if her kiss brought what he hoped they did, what the color upon his cheeks told, they deserved such a gentle loving touch too.

She had to come down from the past, from her romantic ideations. He teased, she chuckled, her smile growing ( though tenderness still showed in her eyes ) " I do, though I do worry for your feet. I cannot fetch you ice for them as I might have when we were younger. " She joked back, laughing again, though her mind was still one step in the past, imagining what a younger Mary would have thought if she had read the paper, if she would have known what had happened between them....

Laughter and melancholic imagining were banished from her mind as he kissed the back of her hand. Wonder filled her face, and fingers the moment that they start their gentle movement brush at her cheek, fighting the urge to pull back for a moment so she can take her glove off and feel his skin upon her hand. She did not, too focused on his face and trying not to let the tears she felt burning her eyes spill. Something that was pointless in the end, because the moment two simple words left his lips, Mary could have sworn that her heart stopped.

He knew. Her biggest fear that had been growing since she read that paper, the fact that he might think she did not love him gone in a single breath. She wanted to sob with her relief, but the feel of his cheek, the closeness between them was enough to ground her and keep the sound tucked away, only a few tears slipping through to show her relief.

" I should have told you. I was so scared you would have wanted nothing to do with me, but I also was so lost in our stories, in you that I forgot. " The words whispered, eyes not leaving his for a single moment even as more tears slipped. She was about to apologize, but Freddie kept going.

And as he did, she suddenly felt like a bloody idiot, something Mary had only considered herself twice in her entire life- the first time when she read the O'Connor family paper, and the second after they kissed on the walk home.

Shame filling her, she looked down finally, having to take a breath. " I should have known. I was so blinded in my hurt and the hurt I knew that you must have felt that I could understand if you would have, something in me said that you didn't, you couldn't have. " Seconds later, the nickname hit her ear, muse, and it was enough for the briefest moment to pull herself out of her self pity and to look up at him, not hiding the guilt that was deep in her eyes.

" I am sorry, Poet. " The nickname said intentionally and without shame, holding her breath, hoping that understanding will still be in his eyes. " For not telling you the truth about my family, my lack of a dowry, for being so foolish after everything, and cold at the teashop. " Shoulders tensed, she could keep going, but she felt like she did not have to. " I am so sorry. "

He had alot of feelings over the years- what had happened between them. How much it hurt him- Though he never once blamed Mary. It wasn't her fault for it. If he knew then...He doesn't think he would have cared. He would have kept that secret from Dominic- honestly, He hadn't thought his brother was so cruel until that moment. He had looked up to him- He thought he was amazing.

How only one thing could ruin that for him? "muse, it's ok- I would have wanted everything with you," He blurted out. He was trying. His eyes see the tears, and it took everything in him not to kiss them. His walls had crumbled.

She kept on going- She kept saying sorry, and it made his chest ache for her.  He shook his head because he didn't want to hear any of this. He didn't want to hear her keep saying sorry- she had no reason to at all. He drops her hand only so he can carefully cup her face. any sorta of self-control he had was over when he heard her call him poet. How long since he was called that? too long.

He pressed a soft kiss to the few tears that had fallen along her cheek...His nose gently brushed against her nose. " Stop, Muse- you don't need to say sorry." his voice was so so, so soft. If anyone had seen Frederic, they wouldn't have realized it was the same O'Conner. He knew why she acted the way she did- He never once blamed Mary, even if he wanted to.

Even if he wanted to hate her for not trusting him- for having no dowyer...for how she treated him- how she didn't even ask him if it was true. If he was part of what ruined her family, even worse with his family's paper....

"I should be sorry. I should have stood up to my brother- I shouldn't have been such a coward and let you think that for all these years," He tells her quickly. He begged and hoped she would forgive him.

Her heart was thundering so fast, so loud that she did not hear the hitch in his breath, but she could see him, and for the first time in a night full of stolen glances, she felt like she was seeing him, her Freddie.

The soft tone, the soft... well, everything about Freddie pushed the last of her walls away without trying. Her lips upturned, barely, but visible as she moved closer and closer to him. She did not even realize she was moving. Instinct just pulled her in and here, alone, she did not fight it. How could she when looking into his eyes Mary did not see the man standing before her, she saw the man from last year, heard his laughter echoing in her ears as they passed their works back and forth? When he looked at her now with that very same look he had when they had kissed under the stars while walking her home?

She ought to rid herself of such memories, but to her surprise, he held out his hand. He asked her to dance. To talk… Why would he? What did they have to talk about?

Mary did not speak, but her face showed her reply- confusion. It did not last long for he took a step closer, he bowed, and this soft noise ( surprise? joy? awe? ) slipped from her mouth as she smiled. She curtsied back.

Rising, she spoke at last, smile still on her lips. “ You do recall I am a dreadful dancer, yes? ” Her words just as soft even though she teased. Still, she took his hand, quiet, hesitating for a moment before she brought it to her lips and pressed a soft kiss to his palm before slowly moving to place her hands into position for their dance.

“ It is a good thing that we can still hear the music. I would be delighted, my lord. ” And just like that, she started their movement, though she allowed him to lead right after.

Though she ought to be focused on the steps so to make sure that this pleasant, wonderful moment they are sharing would not be ruined by her stepping on his feet, but she couldn’t look away, nor could she stop thinking about he said. He wanted to talk about what happened.

He heard the noise, and he wished he could understand what it meant to be.

He then *melted*. Any tension that he had in his shoulder left him when he watched her kiss his palm. His face flushed, and his gaze could only turn so, so, so, so much softer. "Mary,"His voice quivered slightly. She can't do that to him, and expected him to be alright. "Do you recall that I never cared if you were a dreadful dancer?" He tells her back as he teases her.

"Yes..." He said as he moved closer to her, sliding right next to her. It felt like they were meant to be together, like two puzzle pieces. He hated to be called 'my lord' by Mary. He wanted to be hers, but not as a lord. He was quiet for a moment before he laced one of their hands together, and he returned the kiss to the back of her hand. He kept it close to his cheek as they danced.  

He hears her- and he knew that she didn't use him like that, no matter how much Dominic wanted to say differently. He had carefully nuzzled against her hand- truly he wasn't focused on the dancing. Maybe he just wanted her close.

He looked at her. "I know....I was hurt that you didn't tell me," He admitted to her as he sways them to the soft hum of the music. " I didn't care if you were ruined." He sighs softly. "Do you know, I didn't sign off on what my brother did? I had no idea until it was already too late." He hated it. He hated seeing in the papers what had happened- that he had to find out that their engagement had ended, that he wasn't even allowed to see her after that. He was banned. He shouldn't even be here. "You know that, right, Muse?" He asked her with the same desperation. He didn't even realize the pet name had slipped in his need for her to understand.

"He did," she confirmed. It was an unfortunately convenient way to sneak a lover in, though it did reveal more than she wanted it to about Dominic's feelings towards her. Ceara wasn't important or perfect enough to be let in through the front entrance. She was lowly, beneath his entire family. Anything to not be seen, perceived. Hearing the man was Dominic's grandfather--an exclusive title, clearly--did not shock her. They both had a tendency to frown, that was sure. "You do not seen enthused about him."

Ceara thought for a moment. Her glimpse into the office was brief but she never recalled a picture. "I wasn't in the office long enough to notice. But I did see two women on the walls when we went down the hall towards his quarters. One of them was smiling, the other wasn't. One had a small child in her arms. They were both beautiful, I remember that much."

"I see...you know, the only reason you'd know that. is if you were sneaking in..." What other reason would a man sneak in a woman? "I didn't realize my brother wasn't proper." He was in love with Mary, and he knew that he'd never sneak her in- he'd never make her mistress. He wouldn't do that to a woman. " My brother would deny it. He's a coward. Never wants to admit to anything that matters." He wasn't sure why he was trusting Ceara more than Dominic. There was just something about her expression- It was hard not to trust. He softens when she brings up the picture. "Lovely, aren't they?" He said softly. He looked far more gentle when he wasn't scowling. It was hard to keep the facade up when he thinks of his mothers- when he thinks of Edith. "Now, why are you telling me this?" What does she gain from this?

His eyes squinted as he looked at him. He clearly didn't believe him. He wanted to keep pushing. He wanted to tell him that he knows. "Maybe that's what it is," he said, but he doesn't believe him. he knows that he's wrong. That his brother is just as much of a coward as he is. That he decided, for whatever the cause be, to listen to their mother and grandfather. He wants a love match for him too. he doesn't want Dominic's life to be controlled like that.

"It sure feels like you expect me not to be me," and that wasn't perfect." Then let me try!" He said weakly, "Why can't I decide what that is?" He frowns at him. "Would it surprise you to know that I am?" he said as he slightly lifted his nose. "I am published," He speaks proudly.” Someone wanted me to join their project of short stories from different writers months ago," He tells him. "You can ask Edgar if you don't trust me- there was a whole party about it. We have a copy of it at home," He added.”I just don’t think you care about my writing projects. I’m not distracted like you think I am.” All he does is write just because he was in love- if anything, it helped his work.

She knew full and well that this wasn’t a good idea. This whole night had been nothing short of a twinkling, sparkling, beautiful disaster, though she was certain that no one other than her could tell how she felt...

Or, well.... no one but her and perhaps the man also dressed in red- a ruby, of course. Not a garnet. He was the shiner thing. More desired. More expensive, not something that Mary should have even thought she had the right to gaze upon, let alone touch. Yet, despite herself, she could not stop herself from stealing glances, especially not after she had gotten his note.

Mary couldn't keep still- talking to JunHo, suitors and debutants approaching, trying to make her way to the Ruby Confessionals when she could, going to the ballroom, to Moonstone Appraisal before deciding she did not want to hear what others might have to say about her ( she felt like a fool in this dress- she did not want to hear anyone else say it, she already knew it to be true. This whole evening might as well have been a masquerade with how she felt like she was in a costume, playing pretend ), instead debating participating in The Diamond Trials though with a full dance card, she hardly had time to do that, more suitors, more debutants, a dance, then Freddie's second note... She felt like her head might burst. What else could she do but meet him?

Tears burned in her eyes as soon as she seemingly was alone outside, allowing them to burn while she searched for her former fiancee, though the moment he was in eyesight, she banished them. Instead, a cross look filled her face, one that was wiped away the moment she saw him.

She had been stealing glances at him all night, how could she not when those she had spoken to had questions about why her and her former intended were wearing matching colors, but now looking at him, seeing him... they did look like they matched. He was dazzling, she preferred him in simple clothes, like what he had worn to the tavern the other night, but even she couldn't deny just how handsome he looked... how long it had been since she had seen him like this...

Anger, tears fade away to show the depth of her exhaustion, the words she had meant to say falling away when she actually looked to him.

He perked up when he heard the crunch of a leaf. He looked over, and his breath hitched at the sight of her. He had seen her in passing all evening, but seeing her so close?

She is so beautiful up close. He thought the dark gems looked perfect on her. He really was a diamond in his gaze. He stands up straighter when he hears her speak. He missed her, and it wasn't that long ago he walked her home. His lips tingle at the memory of that night. He looked her over, and he saw a diamond, but one under too much pressure. He could see the exhaustion. He knew it. He didn't need to ask.

He pushed himself off the wall and walked closer to her. He kept his hands behind his back." I..." he wanted to ask so many things, but instead of asking, he put his hand out. "i want to dance with you," He blurted out instead. He knew neither of their families would approve of it. " and talk too...about what happened. "He finally said.

He is tired of letting Dominic choose for him. He remembers Edgars words...he remembers when he spoke with Tobais. “If you’ll have me, of course, Miss Mary?” He said as he gave her a proper bow that he had yet to give anyone else. His words were much softer as well. He was really ready to embarrass himself if she denied him. But that would be closer, wouldn’t it?

He needs to choose for himself. And in this moment. He chooses to dance with the diamond of the season.

Then came the accusation about dancing with a lady instead. Edgar gasped softly, scandalised. "And break my sacred rule of never dancing with a lady unless I have decided she is the love of my life?" he asked, horrified. "Absolutely not." He shook his head solemnly. "I am a deeply principled man." The orchestra swelled around them as Edgar guided Frederic through another dramatic turn. "Besides," he added lightly, "the only women Dominic would approve of me courting would likely have to be princesses." For a moment, Edgar simply looked at him properly. Frederic always tried to pretend the arguments rolled off him easier than they did, but Edgar knew better. He had known for years. "You are not responsible for Dominic's temper," Edgar said quietly, voice gentler beneath the music. "Trust me, he was terrifying long before this evening."

Then Frederic mentioned plans. Edgar narrowed his eyes immediately. "Oh, no," he began suspiciously, "you cannot say something like that and expe-" The music abruptly came to its elegant end before he could finish, the ballroom dissolving into applause around them. And unfortunately, Edgar spotted the group of debutantes approaching again almost immediately. His expression changed at once. "Oh, we need to flee," he said under his breath without hesitation, already releasing Frederic's hand and taking a subtle step backward. "Do not look now, but Miss Ashcombe and her army are regrouping." The girls were absolutely smiling at them. Edgar looked genuinely alarmed. "Run," he informed Frederic solemnly, grabbing his sleeve. "I've seen that look before. We have perhaps seconds left."

He rolled his eyes at that. "That's silly. Why must I dance, but you don't? Why can you have an oath like that!" He felt so upset that he was being pushed to do things he didn't want to do. That's because he used to have a feeling for Mary that he couldn't have the same freedoms. Maybe if he felt nothing when he fought with Dominic, it'd be different..."I think you'd fit well with the right princess. Isn't there a French princess? " I hear she's pretty," He offered. "It feels like I am. i don't want him to be upset with me." He almost sounds like he's pouting- a childish thing to do. " Well, it's worse now." He grumbled. "You should have seen it...the way he was upset with me. I didn't like it at all. reminded me of those matrons. terrible" like he had done something wrong when he hadn't.

"And I will!" he hissed. "Distract Dominic if you must-" if he had two people...well, it'd make things easier. " he blinked his eyes when he realized they had to flee. This was not how he thought his evening was going to go. "Oh no," he glanced back just as his brother told him not to. He winced when he realized his brother was right. Seconds is all they have, " We can go this way-" he said as he tugged him along. He has been to the Barnetts so many times before- when he was with Mary. He still knew it like the back of his hand. He lead held onto his brother's sleeve tightly as he weaved them through and found his way to the outside of the ballroom through a side door- one a servant might use. Frederic didn’t even need to think about his movements.