Brain Worms

I came out as bisexual at the age of eleven, after falling in love with my girl best friend. I loved being queer. I loved being “different”.

When I was seventeen, I went off to college. It was 2020– and instead of going to classes, college parties, and clubs— I had to isolate in my dorm room, alone.

For months, I was stuck there, watching pre-recorded lectures on my laptop. The only friend I had was the internet.

It started with little clips, here and there. People talking about how they “came to Jesus”. And the algorithm worked. The more Christian content I consumed, the more was shoved down my throat.

The more content I watched, the more my subconscious started pushing Jesus and biblical things into my dreams. It was a cycle of utter nonsense, but it worked.

Alone, severely depressed, in my dorm room, I started to believe.

I emailed the nearest Catholic pastoral minister and began the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) process.

With nothing else going on in my life, I clung to Jesus. He was going to fix every rotten thing inside of me.

So it started with Christian indoctrination.

And then I fell victim to the pipeline.

Trad wife culture. Pro life. Natural Family Planning. Submitting to My Husband. Barefoot and Pregnant. Christ is The Priority (Yes Above My Husband, Yes Above my Children, YES ABOVE MYSELF).

I became obsessed. Right wing politics and TradCath teachings became my “special interest”.

My little queer self, unashamed, open, unflinching, was gone.

I started blogging. Networking with other Catholic women. Bullying LGBT people. Getting into fights with anyone that didn’t follow the biblical teachings to a T.

But it’s been six years. I’ve slowly outgrown it. And I can’t believe what a monster I used to be. I ran so far away from the truth and from myself. I wasted precious years of my life pretending to be someone I wasn’t.

It’s July 2026 now. And tomorrow I meet with a doctor to start HRT.

Two months ago I finally came out to my fiancé. He’s known about my gender dysphoria for years. I told him I couldn’t hide anymore and we decided to separate.

I’m bisexual, I’m transgender, and I DON’T forgive god. I don’t forgive the people who manipulated a vulnerable, mentally ill 18 year old girl and made me hate myself and my own community.

I don’t forgive christians and their “christian love”. I don’t forgive myself for turning my internalized hate toward my own community.

I apologize to all LGBT people I affected with my words and actions. I love being trans. I love being bisexual and queer and weird and “different”.

watched a video about the new trend of women trying to be as skinny as possible and to normalize eating disorders. one woman said "dieting is freeing because it gives you the freedom to choose only the food that is good for you and reject all the unhealthy food that makes you comfortable and fat" and it's the same mindset of the women that go "covering myself gives me the freedom to only be seen by the people that are good for me and avoid the eyes of the rest"

in reality. both of these women are not free. one is a slave to her eating disorder, another is a slave to modesty. by modesty I'm mostly targeting Islamic modesty since that's where I've seen this mindset and extreme modesty rules.

you are not being "freed" from unhealthy food and you're not being "freed" from unwanted eyes. you are obsessed with a rule that takes away your freedom and you are coping. because the "unhealthy" food isn't gonna make you fat and the eyes of people aren't gonna make you impure. but you convince yourself this in order to convince yourself that you are free.

do you have the freedom to eat a cake whenever you want without feeling guilty?

do you have the freedom to wear shorts outside on a hot day without feeling guilty?

My grandmother and uncle have the typical religious "I don't like it but it's going to happen whether I like it or not" response to it. They don't agree with her being transgender but they mostly stay out of her way.

I have another sister who's a fascist. Fascist sister has been harassing transgender sister by telling her that she's going to hell and reading Bible verses at her.

Take a wild guess which sister my grandmother and uncle side with.

what if these instead prove some tiny religion with 100 people max ascribed to it is the truth?

and let’s say god is real. your god.

how do you know an afterlife even exists? what if he created this world and everyone on it and that’s it? what’s your proof that the divine will judge us and condemn a lot of us to hell?

what’s your proof that you’re even believing in the correct way?

that if you repent, he’ll forgive you?

your book doesn’t count. you don’t know if god wrote that. there’s no proof there. i’m talking about real, tangible proof that your specific belief set is true.

we can debate about how precisely the world was created. how perfectly the earth is positioned to sustain life, whatever.

but you don’t know that was your god that did that.