Numpties and dragons and merewolves

When Baz is first introduced, one of the first things we’re told about his character, which forms an essential part of who he is, is that he’s in love with Simon. Baz tells us this, as he tells us many things in a very direct way, and he knows quite a lot about himself because he’s comfortable inside of his own head. 

When we’re just being introduced to who Simon Snow is, one of the essential parts of him that is presented to us is… that he’s in love with Baz. It is! We’re shown, rather than told, because he doesn’t know yet, but the feelings are already there. A biology anthropologist (answering questions about love) said the following: “But if you had to think about one, just one trait, that is most distinctive between the two, when you’re madly in love with somebody in a romantic attraction, you are obsessed. And in a platonic attraction, you don’t think about them night and day.” I share this because, funnily enough, it describes good ol’ Simon’s behavior around Baz from the very beginning of the book. 

Many things with Simon are show and not tell. Simon doesn’t really know much about himself, because he’s not comfortable inside of his own head, and he purposely doesn’t think. But again, his obsession with Baz is established from the very beginning, and the way in which he’s obsessed is very revealing. When Carry On starts, and Simon is in danger, his head goes to Baz. “If Baz were here…” “What would Baz do…” You would expect his head to go to Penny, the person usually fighting at his side. There’s no logical explanation for him thinking about Baz in such a scenario. One might even be tempted to think that, when Simon’s life is in danger, there’s a part of him that just wants to see Baz. Because he loves him. There’s a part of him that, completely unprompted, imagines how Baz would respond to a situation, because he pays enough attention to Baz to be able to imagine it in the first place, and because is completely natural for Simon for Baz to be constantly in his mind (because he’s in love). 

When Simon is laying on his bed, thinking about Baz, thinking about why Baz would be wanted romantically, he thinks that Baz being himself is enough to make him desirable. Because he desires him.

Simon goes to every match and listens to every violin lesson because he cares about him and wants to be part of his life. He cares about his interests, even though he doesn’t have to. Not really. Nothing actually forces him to watch him play football Every. Single. Time. He doesn’t have any kind of relationship with him that would make it an obligation for him to show up. Everything Simon says is a poor attempt at justifying it, but the truth is he just wants to (he didn’t need proof of anything. Again, he already knew Baz is a vampire, because he’s constantly watching him. Because he’s obsessed).

When Simon is following around him everywhere, he thinks about being under his thrall. This (”being under a spell”) is not an uncommon way to refer to romantic feelings and/or sexual attraction. Simon looks for something, and doesn’t know what that is, which is later connected to their kissing scene, when Simon thinks he has finally found what he has been looking for all along: having Baz like this. It’s very telling, the happiness Simon feels after kissing Baz. The interest he has on him: how Baz giving information to Simon gets ignored if it’s to push him away, but Simon is the most attentive listener if it’s to learn more about Baz.

Simon going crazy when Baz doesn’t show up and no one has an explanation. His tears and pain when Baz is showing him his own pain and self-destruction are also about love. He’s not just being a hero. It hurts to see Baz in pain because he loves him. He wants to know where Baz is and that he’s not getting in trouble and hurt because he worries about him. Because… he loves him! Even before kissing him, the feelings are there. 

How, despite Simon “demanding to know about his plots” he never actually wanted proof of Baz’s villainy. It hurts him and it makes him angry when Baz leans fully into the act, because he doesn’t actually want Baz to be “evil.” How he pushes back when Baz tries to frame himself as a bad person.

Simon tells him, not even 48 hours after kissing him, that he knows Baz has a soul because he has observed it. Because he’s in love with him. I think about how in WS Simon tells you he forgets Baz is much stronger than him, and that Baz never pushed him harder than Simon could push back. This is not something Baz would tell him. It’s something Simon noticed by himself, and I think this says a lot about what kind of person Baz is, and that it wouldn’t escape Simon’s notice, even when he’s not ready to figure out what it means (like he notices the horror in Baz’s expression with the tape recorder incident when it happens, or how he reveals he always knew the stair incident was an accident, meaning he picked up on Baz’s intentions/reaction as well). All of that supports Simon’s “I have observed your soul” doesn’t come out of nowhere. Simon has always been paying attention to him. 

It makes perfect sense that Simon wouldn’t even be able to tell you when he fell in love (iirc maybe not even Baz can point the exact moment, he brings up wanting to kiss a mole since they were 12, but he only figured it out when they were 15). Baz would think it happened over the events of CO, but Simon’s “stalking” shows his feelings were already there in fifth year. Simon’s pain in the following years (when he says he toned down the stalking because it’s already painful enough to live with him) it’s about how he already yearns for Baz, how it hurts to be so close “yet so far” from the person he want.

When Simon says "I never thought I was straight" that is important because it's true. We have been in his head for 3 books at that point, and he hasn't. He doesn't ever think "I'm straight" or anything along those lines, such as "I like girls." He doesn't ever think bout his sexuality at all outside of questions around "gay" and/or "baz-sexual"...

I've found outside perception (as in stuff that's not at all in these books but are present in other experiences and media) coloring interpretation of these books, which is interesting, if frustrating. Stuff that would make one decide "this is what's happening," which makes it harder to catch the thing that contradicts this.

When the idea of being gay pops up in Simon's mind, he wants to resist processing it. "I'm not even remotely ready to consider this" and he isn't. He then thinks something like "I don't think I'm gay, or maybe I am, partly, the part that is demanding the most attention right now" and you gotta remember he's thinking this like... less than 24 hours after the "I'm not even remotely ready" line. I think one might be inclined to read this and say "if he says there's a part of him that's gay, that must mean the other part likes girls" but this is an impulse that should be challenged, because Simon doesn't say that. It's an assumption. I think this might not be considered if one is used to taking things at face value and to more reliable narrators, narrators who are sharing something about themselves that they have figured out. But Simon hasn't figured out anything outside of his feelings for Baz. He hasn't shit figured out yet (including his lack of feelings for Agatha) and he has expressed he's not ready to go there.... so he's sort of negotiating with himself here, not ready to process it but sort of giving in a bit. "Am I gay?... No?... however I realize I want to jump Baz and swallow him whole, surely that's at least partly gay." It's like when he's thinking whether he's jealous of Baz or Agatha. Entertaining the idea that he doesn't feel romantic jealousy with Agatha (he doesn't feel much at all, outside of pressure and guilt and general misery) would have him unpacking shit he's not ready to (he does however act as if he sees her as competition) (doesn't he even say "anyone but him" as in Agatha can go after anyone romantically except Baz while snatching Baz's handkerchief from her hands to keep it to himself? Keeping it in his drawers with his most important possessions and then close by in his pocket?), but he can't deny his feelings for Baz now that he has discovered them either. So he goes "both I guess" and calls it a day. That's also what it all boils down to... he's not ready to unpack any of this, so he chooses not to think about any of it. Which also means he's not reaching answers.

Simon never explicitly paints himself as a girl-liker, not even when one would think he's trying to. I mean, look at this:

"I've always wanted Agatha" -> "Baz is the only person I've ever wanted." Emphasis on ever. It's like he's correcting himself. And when he says "I've wanted Agatha" his example contradicts him. He's imagining himself in her shoes. He wants to be like her. Simon never presents her, the only girl he ever tells himself he "wants," as someone he actually finds desirable. Aspirational, yes, but some of the shit he says about her wouldn't be out of place in the head of a straight girl. (With Baz, it's the opposite, he might frame it like he's jealous of him because Baz is aspirational, but he's finding him desirable).

Simon calls girls beautiful? so does Baz. Cute? gorgeous is more evocative, and Baz says it. "You have seen Agatha" -> he equates the way he can see Agatha is attractive to the way his gay boyfriend can see it, and Baz indeed sees it, because they have eyes, and that doesn't mean it's doing anything for them (other than pressure for Simon. Inanimate objects don't have thoughts or feelings, later Simon admits he didn't either).

When Simon says "I don't think I'm gay," "I don't think I'm gay because I like girls" is the expectation. It's the assumption because it's something seen or experienced elsewhere. But this is not what he thinks or says. Not even when he's imagining Agatha, the person he had a comphet relationship with, does imaginary Agatha say "you're not even gay because you have been with me, you like girls!" What imaginary Agatha says it's "you're not even gay, and Baz is not even alive, and what would the mage say" ... Simon's worries are "the person you have feelings for isn't an acceptable person to have feelings for, therefore those feelings aren't valid, and they wouldn't be accepted anyway. You would be judged, you would be a disappointment." Which is a different problem than "I can't be gay because I like girls. I'm not aware I can't like more than one gender." (what the real Agatha does express reveals that looking back at their relationship, she doesn't believe Simon was ever into her! And, for the record, she doesn't really give a fuck about that, she cares more about her time and her identity and her own feelings or lack of them)

When Simon's offered this option, he's like "hell no, I'm not bi" (knee-jerk reaction) and then he still resists it after giving a valid reason to say he's not bi (dating a girl doesn't make you bi if you were neither in love nor attracted to her, bi is not about who you're dating, but who you can be attracted to, which is an important distinction.)

The only time Simon brings up girls or women to wonder, it's to bring up doubts, and it's not "I haven't figured out yet if I like both girls and Baz" or " I can't like both girls and Baz" but "maybe I don't like them anymore, maybe I never liked them in the first place" and he doesn't think it randomly, but he thinks it the context of a scenario where he feels like he should probably be affected, but he isn't. I mean, switch the order if it makes it easier "I'm not mad about women wanting to show cleavage but do I still like them like that? Did I ever like them like that at all? Or am I a Baz-sexual (only attracted to my boyfriend)?" (the thing that should be sparking a "I'm attracted to women" thought it's instead sparking a "I'm just attracted to my boyfriend" thought. Look at that. When good ol' Rainbow says some variation of "this freaky little guy has not experienced attraction until Baz hit him like a train" that thing makes it to the page. If she had said the opposite I would be openly saying "death of the author and me are old pals" and we are, I said it when I'm like "this make sense like this regardless of intention," but everything I have seen on this matter is like "ah yeah she put that in a, b and c scene." I don't think "baz-sexual" could be any clearer.) For the record, you could be a straight guy and not be a boobs person (Personally can't image being either, and the latter is what makes me think "for the love of god you're not reading that boobs line correctly" like, I can't imagine not being into boobs, but when I read Simon said that while looking at boobs because it's impossible not to, and then literally never noticing them again, he gave me an idea. An inkling if you will.)

Notable that it's obvious as hell to Baz and Agatha that Phippa liked Simon, and Simon never even notices, which I think is indicative of Simon's disinterest. I noticed this with Baz: he's hypervigilant of Simon and potential interest in him and vice-versa and he says "Agatha is the only person he has ever wanted" which is mistaken for reasons already stated, but of course Baz is going to assume Simon is dating for the reasons we all assume dating happens, and he believes in the golden fantasy. Which very likely means Baz has never seen Simon being interested in other girls, and he would've fucking caught it (his own lack of vibe check does not invalidate this, because it applies to himself, not seeing himself as desirable, besides not being interested in people who aren't Simon). Not to be obvious and repetitive but Simon struggles to notice people who are not Baz. He's on the same road! Doesn't notice shit with himself but it's ready to jump, stab and/or scream when the interest it's in Baz.

I try to look and examine my own thoughts and possible biases too, I could be wrong. But this is not me being like "It's not enough that he's into Baz, I must destroy all possibility of him being into other people" this bitch says that! Simon says it. More than once! He fucking invented a sexuality to say it! I think his phrasing (women are beautiful or cute, but men are fit/attractive always, a subconscious thing could be going on going on) could be leaning into "he's not a girl liker, mayhaps potentially a man liker but he has already met Baz and nobody's seeing the fire of a little match when you're surrounded by a forest fire." But I say that (in a "could be gay/demi" sort of way, not because I want him to label himself but because bringing up labels it's a shortcut to introducing concepts or else this post would be a book) not him. His thoughts are very comfortable at "Baz-sexual" and [to Baz] "I'm yours"

And Simon is jealous, basically still making a jealous scene ("did u have to hold her hands to talk to her??") and confused and hurt and still villanizing Baz, not getting what he's trying to say and taking his words in the worst way, like "how dare u doing this shit just to hurt me, without caring who else you hurt as a collateral damage too" (which IS villain behavior if you look at it like that and ignore Baz is a messy emo gay acting up cuz how dare Simon be with someone else convincing him he's straight and that he could never have a chance, the horror).

They're also still trapped in heteronormativity, thinking the problem it's a competition over Agatha when the real problem it's between them. Baz tries to say he's not competing, that Simon can have her if it makes him happy, and that he's gay. But Simon is not getting that Baz is gay, and Baz is thinking of Simon as straight, so when he goes "I'm not gonna get between you anymore, go back to her" he's basically pushing Simon back in the closet considering his relationship with her is comphet, and without any of them realizing. This is the moment when Simon gets so pissed he wants to punch him, this is when Simon reveals he has Baz's handkerchief (which has romantic undertones) and he refuses to return it, and he doesn't want Baz to have anything in that moment.

Cynopoe’s riveting and heart-rending recent fan art of Baz hit me very viscerally when I saw it, much the same way that sentence affected me when I first read Wayward Son.

I think it is not uncommon for readers to perhaps focus on Simon’s considerable trauma and sometimes forget or minimise how truly troubled and damaged by it all Baz is too.

I can’t forget it

It’s obviously not a competition as to whose trauma is worse, but Baz manages to function and keep it hidden more than Simon does. They both have years of suppressing it but Simon, in the past, had the ability to vent some of his considerable energy and inner turmoil into the battles he fought against a host of magical creatures on behalf of the Mage,. He had the ability to release what he could not hold in by “going off.”

Simon chooses to not discuss his trauma at all, chooses not to think about it in Carry On and–as we find out with regard to his childhood in WS–suppresses it enough that he doesn’t even recall it clearly.

Baz, on the other hand, buries his trauma deep. It exists within him but he, as with many things in his life, attempts to exert an iron control over it. He remembers and allows himself internal monologues about the traumatic events that have shaped him, but he references them in a calm, at times almost detached, way. He keeps people at arms length. He does not reveal much to anyone, not even his family. Not to Fiona, who finds him in deplorable condition after the numpty kidnapping. Not to his father, who is concerned for his well-being. Not to Daphne, or his teachers, or as far as we know any of his classmates either. He projects a polished and unflappable exterior, one that he carefully curates over the years.

He forgets that the one time he didn’t keep it all in is the time Simon reached out to him with true intimacy.

The forest kiss.

Baz broke down.

He let Simon in. He allowed himself to be vulnerable, to cry in the car. 

“His face is stone, and when we get out of London, tears start to fall from his eyes. He doesn’t wipe them or blink them away, so they streak down his cheeks and cling to his jaw.”(Chapter 60, Carry On.)

He admitted the long-held secret of his vampirism, verbalized the guilt still resonating from his mother’s death, admitted the deep fear he has that his mother would reject him as he is now.

He swings his wand and practically howls, spraying fire all around us. “This is what my mother would want from me, you idiot.” He sneers at me, baring his teeth–all of them. His canines are sharp as a wolf’s. “My mother died killing vampires,” he says. “And when they bit her, she killed herself. It’s the last thing she did. If she knew what I am … She would never have let me live.”

“She loved what I was!” he shouts. (Chapter 60, Carry On.)

He revealed the depth of his despair, even if it was only for a brief time.

“This is what I deserve.” (Chapter 60, Carry On.)

It’s the first time he lets his mask down completely. When he allows himself to be vulnerable, reveals the devastation and pain within him.

And Simon kisses him. Simon may be surprised later in Chapter 71, when Baz calls them both a mess, but that’s Baz letting him in again.

Revealing his vulnerability. Admitting what’s below the surface. The roiling mess of trauma that lives within him.

“What you are is a fucking tragedy, Simon Snow. You literally couldn’t be a bigger mess.”

He tries to kiss me, but I hold back. “And you like that?”

“I love it,” he says.

“Why?”

“Because we match.” (Chapter 71, Carry On.)

And Simon forgets that again and again, which we see most notably in Wayward Son, with his inner monologues on how well Baz is doing, how he’s thriving. 

“Baz is at uni now. Thriving. 

Everything that happened with the Mage and the Humdrum just made Baz more of who he was meant to be. He avenged his mother. He solved the mystery that’s hung over him since he was 5. He proved himself as a man and a magician.” (Chapter 2, Wayward Son.)

But even though Simon says that and intimates that he’s not enough for Baz anymore, that they don’t match, he still is observant enough that he comprehends that Baz is hurting inside. He just manages to get things a bit muddled in his assessment, assuming Baz is suffering because he’s staying with him rather than seeing that Baz is suffering because of the growing emotional and physical distance between them. 

“But I hate to watch Baz suffer. I hate being the reason he suffers.” (Chapter 2, Wayward Son.)

Baz has learned to suppress and cope and he’s really good at it. He’s had lots of practice. But Simon has spent a long time watching Baz and can tell that something is off. But he’s not in a place where he can communicate with Baz and ask why, so he makes assumptions that are not accurate. 

And with Simon falling apart, Baz doesn’t share his own personal mess because he’s so focused on caring for Simon.

“Bunce and I never leave him alone now if we can help it. We go to lectures, we study. (That’s what Bunce and I do. That’s who we are.) But there’s always one of us around–making Snow tea he won’t drink, sharing vegetables he won’t eat, asking questions he won’t answer … “ (Chapter 1, Wayward Son.)

I also think he doesn’t want to burden Simon with his own issues. He loves Simon so much and yearns to support him and be there for him.  His own trauma feels lesser, compared to Simon’s, so he buries it again, forgetting that you can’t compare trauma. It is what it is, to each individual, and no one’s trauma trumps another’s.

Sharing it would actually bring them closer again, but he believes he has to be a positive support to Simon and can handle his own issues.

Baz ends up totally missing the point that keeping that to himself makes Simon feel they don’t match anymore, when in actuality they do!!

Inside they are both messes, desperately in need of therapy and love and communication and empathy, for and from each other.

Carry On was about the rise and fall of Simon Snow. Wayward Son was in theory more of Baz’s book.  And in many ways it truly is. It’s revelatory for him in many ways,  but Baz also goes through hell in Wayward Son. It’s easy to get caught up in Simon and his withdrawal, his depression, how changed he is.

But Baz is suffering.

Baz is dying inside.

The person who literally kept him alive, the person who makes him feel alive, is slipping away from him and he can’t figure out how to stop it. His dream came true and it’s slipping from his fingers.

Many readers said they felt Baz was out of character in Wayward Son: where was his snark, his sarcasm? I don’t see that he was out of character. His most intense snark had been a self-protection, particularly against Simon. He HAS Simon now. His words are more playfully snarky and sarcastic than mean or bitter. This is a glimpse of the true Baz–the Baz who can be funny and protective, empathetic and caring, who has a soft heart but still loathes himself, under that posh and polished facade.

From “Things I hate, a list” (by Baz):

13. Myself, most of all. 

14. My soft heart.

15. My foolish optimism.

17. Being a vampire, if we’re being honest.

“There’s no safe time for me to see you, nothing about you that doesn’t tear my heart from my chest and leave it breakable outside my body.” (excerpts from Chapter 14, Wayward Son.)

But just as we see with Simon, an individual’s personality can undergo some changes when they are depressed or overly stressed or resigned to something that makes them unhappy.

And Baz is resigned in Wayward Son.

Resigned to the fact that he may lose the one person he’s wanted for so long, The person who brought him back from the brink. The relationship that has given him hope, made him feel alive, made him feel accepted and enough.

He doesn’t think he’s enough anymore. Not enough to keep Simon afloat.

He takes all his cues from Simon. He is hyper-focused on Simon, as much as he ever was in Carry On but the difference is he’s also an exhausted and depleted caregiver who’s not caring for himself emotionally.

So his character really isn’t drastically changed, we’re just seeing Baz with some of the harsh edges blunted. And we are seeing a Baz who is holding himself together and carrying on, despite his own deep issues, because he wants to be there to support Simon.

It’s much the same with Penny: readers have commented that she behaves differently as well. She’s not out of character, in my opinion-she’s simply not dealt with her own trauma either. She may know it’s there, but she too is not dealing with it head on. She’s focusing more on Simon and Baz than herself. 

“All right, so, yes, things haven’t been going so well. And I should have been the one to see it coming.”

“So, yes, I knew that Simon had suffered–but I thought that winning would make up for it. I thought victory would be enough. That relief would fill in all those holes.”

“But it was a mistake thinking of that as an end. There is no end. Bad things happen, and then they stop, but they keep on wreaking havoc inside of people.” (Chapter 3, Wayward Son.)

She’s worn out and stressed but she’s desperate to help and support Simon, just as Baz is. Desperate enough to concoct a plan that’s actually not very well planned out because she’s at her wits end with regard to Simon.

“I know perfectly well that going on holiday isn’t going to magickally fix everything. (If there were a way to magickally fix this, I swear to Stevie I’d have figured it out by now.)” (Chapter 3, Wayward Son.)

And she’s worried about Baz.

They all know they are off their game but they don’t talk enough to figure out why.  And they don’t want to burden each other with their own issues. They see how they are deteriorating but Baz and Penny don’t recognise it in themselves and Simon is so deep in his own morass of depression and damaged self-worth that he doesn’t really see the cracks in their facades.

So they struggle and misunderstand and muddle through it, but the love they all have for each other shines through.

"Baz rubs her back and lets her cry into his shirt. I love him so much, and I want to tell him so.” (Chapter 15, Wayward Son.)

“Then, in a rush of warmth and cedar and bergamot, he kisses my cheek. ‘Good night, Snow,’ he says.” (Chapter 17, Wayward Son.)

“I’d give him all that I am. I’d give him all that I was. I’d open up a vein.” (Chapter 41, Wayward Son.)

“Penelope sighs, leaning over the seat and Baz holds his wand to her mouth. ‘Kiss it better!”

“Basil, that’s a family spell!”

“Hush,” he says, kissing her cheek. (Chapter 64, Wayward Son.)

“Why can’t you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?” (Prologue, Wayward Son.)

The trip to America is an attempt to break through Simon’s detachment and despair, but it manages to expose the fragile hold Penny and Baz have on their own suppressed trauma and the damage they have sustained from it and from burying it for so long.

We can’t forget that. Simon’s trauma and loss is immense and devastating and grabs our attention. But Baz has suffered greatly and is still suffering. His trauma may not be as evident as Simon’s in Wayward Son but it is as deep, abiding, and most definitely not adequately addressed by him or those around him.

tl;dr: Baz has sustained and is still dealing with a lot of trauma too. 

(I basically sent a wall of text about this to @fight-surrender​ yesterday and she encouraged me to put it into a meta.)

I love Simon and Agathas friendship so much and I hope that now that they are in a better place they can be even better friends. The scene above happens after they have their cry together and apologize to each other. After this they have the goat hearing scene and we can feel that they are back on track to being friends again.

Agatha may be like an exasperated older sister to Simon but she cares about him and that is very clear.

I discussed with @sailorblossoms how I think Simon took Agathas sweaters in a way because I think that Simon didn't want to be WITH Agatha he WANTS TO BE HER.

She is everything he wishes he was she (seemingly) had Bazs love, she is beautiful, she has a great family and home and she belongs in the WOM in a way he thinks that he does not.

This isn't him going on about how hot his girlfriend is this is Simon imagining what it must feel like to BE her.

I'm not saying Simon wants to be a girl necessarily (tho that's a valid reading if someone wanted to take it there) but I do think Simon and Agatha both feel trapped in gender roles and also feel judged for occationally conforming to it. Like Agatha doesn't want to be a damsel in distress but nothing is wrong with hair care and pink. Simon may love swords and laddish things but he clearly prefers the company of girls and has no issue wearing his female friends clothes. I want to point out that Simon not wanting to wear flowers had to do with him worrying that he couldn't pull it off

“I don’t want to wear flowers,” I say. Baz is wearing flowers. His button-down shirt is grey with sprays of pink and blue lilacs. He makes it look manly somehow, with his indigo trousers and grey lace-up shoes. I’d look like a sofa."

Looking feminine isn't the concern.

We also had a great discussion about Bazs friend group compared to Simon's friend group and how within that dynamic it could hint at Simons aspec demisexual inclination (I do not think this invalidates Simons unlabeled identity, I think if anything it enriches it).

Baz and his boys who i will refer to as the Dark trio have a very laddish relationship and they make crude dirty jokes. When Simon corners Niall asking about Baz Niall repsonds with a dirty joke about Simons dick and goats in CO. Devs first line to Baz when he calls is to joke about felliatio and Baz responds in kind to Simons shock.

Compared to Simons interactions with the golden trio Agatha and Penny its suprisingly tame. Thats not to say girls can't be as crude as boys. I don't think it's a gendered thing. I think it's that Simon wouldn't pursue this sort of talk and neither would Agatha and Penny.

Baz talks about masterbating ALOT in like all three books and honestly that's fine, he's a hormonal teenaged boy shacking up with his crush who he thought hated him. But what's interesting is that Simon doesn't talk about masterbating AT All. He obviously had a huge crush on Baz from the start but even when he thought he was in love with Agatha we never hear about him masterbating at all, we don't even hear about the fact that he's not a virgin or about kissing Agatha or anything.

We know that in AWTWB Simon clearly wants Baz in that way. But he basically says it's the first time he's ever really felt that way. It may be that before this Simon wasn't super into sex until he experienced real sexual attraction with Baz, then he became unhinged, it's like he was probably indifferent to scones until sour cherry scones and he saw the light lol. But again this is just speculation.

A common way to describe, say, demisexuality, is using the color red. Everyone around you can see it, and they go on and on about it, but you can't see it. You don't get it. You could be looking at green, and you would be none the wiser. Until suddenly, you can. So it makes sense that Simon wouldn't have any such urges like Baz while they grew up together. Nor would he feel it while dating Agatha, who he often describes a beautiful, but never in a way that indicates sexual interest (when you bring up the ways that part of him wants to BE her, it just makes so much sense! And he didn't know how attraction feels, so he just mistakenly assumed "this must be it ig"). When he does start experiencing attraction, he doesn't know what the hell is happening with him, so he just goes apeshit. He wants to JUMP Baz, but he doesn't know what he would do afterwards. And it's only after they're together when Simon can start to see the specific stuff he wants to do with Baz (when he goes "I want to CUM on him" I, dear reader, was simply knocked on my ass)

In the vein of unsexy and informative, here’s another Agatha and Simon post about writing and sex for anyone who finds it useful. I shared a similar post about why I think bringing up Agatha when Simon is having sex with Baz feels jarring (and is a total mood-killer for me, like every single time) (this is actually what lead me figure out/break down that one paragraph in awtwb all those months ago! wondering about the difference) but I think I can make more concise here. My disclaimer as always: my blog, my thoughts, you do you, whatever. 

1. In awtwb Agatha is brought up – in a broad narrative sense – to let the reader know that for Simon, sex with her was like this (in this order): not in love, not turned on, didn’t actually want to do it, didn’t work out. It’s not a comparison that’s done lightly, and it’s packing all its punch in one go (as opposed to multiple side comments, for example). 

2. It is brought up not casually, but with a strong trigger. it’s a monumental moment for Simon when he’s deciding to have sex with Baz for the first time (last time was spontaneous) while we, the readers, know that he will “go through with it” now. So he can’t help but notice how big the difference is when you actually want it. When you’re actually into it! That’s why Agatha comes up: to highlight the difference between wanted vs unwanted (so big that Simon is “so turned on he can’t think” when Baz is literally just existing in his proximity). It didn’t work with her. Simon didn’t actually want it with her, anyway. Whatever works with Baz, he wants it. He’s not thinking this in the middle of sex, he does it when they’re still not doing anything. (It’s also about leaving the past with all the baggage and the suffocating expectations behind to make way for the future we want!) (through the Power Of Gay Sex) (Again: it’s not done lightly, it’s not casual exposition, etc etc)

3. Here’s the biggest kick for me: all of this is said without Simon outright saying it. He’s like “with Agatha–” and he cuts that shit off immediately. Even when there’s a strong trigger to bring up that thought, he can’t finish it! It’s so telling. To me this says: gun on his head, Simon still can’t think it. The writing finds ways to tell you without just saying it (showing vs telling and all that). This is why reading any variation of “I’ve slept with Agatha but [proceeds to explain or give hints on how it sucked ass/wasn’t satisfactory/etc” gives me a gut reaction like this:

Maybe an older Simon would! Or maybe he wouldn’t, because of how much he already wants to leave it behind. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter” he doesn’t want it in his head! We as readers get enough clues to paint a picture of it, but Simon himself is completely uninterested in examining it. He actively avoids it. He makes it into something abstract (saying previous/past sexual partners in plural before correcting to singular; it’s the most clinical way to go about it, and making it plural could be indicative of his impulse to not connect “sex” with “Agatha” in his head ever).