Work In Progress

Both of my dogs died at the end of 2020. One in October and one in December. I’ve had them since I was 6/8... it’s been a very difficult grieving period. My dogs were the only things keeping me alive at certain points and now they’re both gone...

I moved back on campus. I think that’s been good for me. My parents were driving me crazy. I feel more peaceful when I don’t like at home. But I am definitely feeling stressed about my future... I had initially made this plan for my life after finishing my undergrad degree and I just decided to completely change everything pretty drastically, which is very overwhelming for a planner like me. I know these choices are necessary for my future happiness but it’s still difficult and stressful. Also, classes are fucking exhausting.

I wanna date but I hate my body so much like fuck bro. I want to be attractive so badly but I just am not apparently. 

So last time I updated I was excited about going back to school and was feeling really lost and alone, as well as hopeless about my romantic life and my really intense cravings to smoke weed. A lot has changed since then... lol

My school decided to only do online schooling, understandably, but it sent me into a horrible spiral when they announced that. The idea that I’d be stuck at home for another 5 months... I just couldn’t take it. There’s a reason I went to boarding school after treatment. My parents fucking suck!!!! So I was venting to one of my best friends (C) who lives in another country even though she goes to school in the US (we met in treatment) and she invited me to come stay with her and her family in that country for a few months just so I could get away from my family... and now I’m there! I have dual citizenship with that country and the US because one of my parents is originally from there, so she applied for me to get dual citizenship when I was born, and I still have family here. Anyways, I’m now starting week 2 of my quarantine (which ends on Sunday (sep 20th) but I’m so happy to be here. I needed to get away and COVID just isn’t as bad here and I feel less depressed and like life maybe isn’t that hopeless, which is exciting!!!

I have smoked a bit more recently but I’m trying to lessen it or make sure I’m only doing it when I’m interacting with friends (either in person or via facetime). 

So, since I got to this country, there’s been a couple slightly interesting things occurring, relationship-wise. C is dating this guy and has been for the last 2 months and I guess he has a friend (J) who’s single and got really hyped when he found out C had a friend coming into town. C told him if he wanted to even attempt to be with me in anyway whatsoever he had to be my friend first and take things hella slow, but apparently he’s kinda a himbo so who knows if he’ll heed that warning. He added me on snap and told me he’s gonna take me out to a meal and later C told me he was bragging to her bf about how impressive it is that he said that (I think he’s kinda a fuckboy but C said her bf was initially too). Idk how I feel about any of this. I’m trying to not pass any judgment until I meet him a few times. 

A few nights ago, I got a snapchat message from this dude (JB) I knew from junior/senior year of high school (after treatment). Now, when we were in high school we were best friends. I had a small group (A, M, JB, and myself) and we all hung out all the time and were super close. A and JB dated junior year and then almost dated again senior year but she kinda ghosted him last minute and started dating someone else. JB also dated two other girls our senior year (this info is all relevant I promise). JB and I were kinda like brother/sister- we got along really well and had similar sense of humor but there wasn’t any attraction between the 2 of us. He liked skinny, kinda crazy (in the whole “omg I’m so fucked up pay attention to me” obnoxious way where they aren’t actually mentally ill, just annoying) girls and I was overweight and even though I’m legitimately mentally ill, I’m stable and high-functioning, and also... he’s short (well the same height as me but I’m tall) and skinny and just not my type... but anyways there was no attraction there. After high school, we all kinda stopped talking. M was a freshman while we were all seniors (I stayed in contact with him and still consider him to be like a little brother- I love him sm he’s my lil baby), but I haven’t talked to JB or A much since. We all went off to college and started new lives... JB and I talked a bit over that summer between senior year of high school and freshman year of college and he did call me a few times throughout freshman year (holy fuck that’s when I started this acc......) but whenever he’d call he’d only talk about himself. He’d talk about how he was drinking too much and smoking too much and he’d say kinda racist shit about his girlfriend at the time’s exes (since they were black... I guess that reflected poorly on her in his mind... fucked up mindset in my opinion) and he’d never ask me about myself. I was in overwhelming, immense pain constantly because of my ankle... I was high all the time and drinking regularly too, while hiding it from everyone, including my therapist. I was in a dark place and there he was calling me to talk about himself for really long periods of time. 

Anyways, I started avoiding his calls after awhile and then he stopped calling. He doesn’t know I had my ankle surgery. He doesn’t know I took a semester off of college to recover. He doesn’t know I met my genetic mom. He doesn’t know I’m struggling with some issues still. Then, in December 2019, the day after my mom had a heart attack, he started frantically messaging me on snapchat, begging me to talk. I told him that I couldn’t, that my mom was in the hospital and I was overwhelmed, that I had a ton of dr appointments and meetings and needed to make sure my mom was okay, but he wouldn’t lay off. I guess I felt some sort of loyalty towards him since we used to be so close, so I said “okay, you can call me anytime in the next 30 minutes, but that’s it” and he responded immediately, saying “I’ll call you in 5 minutes”. He never fucking called. After that, I decided I was done. He’s no longer my friend. And we hadn’t spoken since until a couple weeks ago where he messaged me and told me he missed me and I responded with a “yeah it’s been awhile” and then left him on read after he responded back with some other bs. 

Then this past weekend, he messages me out of nowhere talking about how he misses me and again, I say “yeah, it’s been awhile”. He says that there’s been something he’s wanted to tell me for a long time and he wishes he would’ve said something when we were in high school. I asked what the fuck he was talking about and he was like “I wish we could’ve dated. You were always so nice to me and we got along really well. I thought you were beautiful, caring, funny, and sweet. We had the sense sense of humor and enjoyed doing the same stuff. I liked you a lot and wish we could have dated.”... I was like.. “Uhhh... what made you realize this?” and he said “Idk I just realized it now” and I was like “yeah I’m just a little shocked because it never seemed like there was any type of relationship vibes there” and he was like “really?” and I was like “dude... you literally dated 2 girls and almost dated a 3rd...” and he was like “I feel like I knew I liked you then” so at that point I facetimed my friend M and was like “did JB like me in high school” and he was like “nah he liked A and those 2 other girls” and I was like “yeah, he’s saying some bs and I just need confirmation that I didn’t miss any signs” and he was like “yeah you guys were just really good friends” so I messaged JB back and was like “so what motivated you to tell me this” and he said “I don’t know I just felt like I should tell you” and I was like “well where do we go through here”... now, I said this knowing he’d say he wanted to date. I didn’t want to date him but I did want to let him down easily. M had told me while we were facetiming that JB had dropped out of college and gone to rehab so he was obviously struggling. I think he’s just super lonely during quarantine and he’s reflecting on high school (when he last felt happy) and is creating something that wasn’t there in hopes that it’d be reciprocated and he’d feel less lonely. He and A both had relationship/intimacy issues and were both really hyperfocused on always being in a relationship, so I’m not surprised he’s still like that. I am surprised it’s gotten to a point where it’s delusional... 

Anyways, he responded saying “where do you wanna go?” and I said “I asked you first” and he said “I want you wbu” and I said “I don’t know dude... I’m a super different person than I was 2 1/2 years ago and I’m sure you are too and I’m just not sure if we’d be compatible now that all this time has passed... also I live in a diff country now so we’d never actually see each other.” I know saying I live in a diff country now is kinda lying because it makes it seem like I moved permanently but I think it was necessary to get my message across so I don’t feel bad. He responded and he was like “yeah I guess that’s true” and I said “yeahhhhh” and he was like “I really want to be with you” and I said “I guess timing is everything” and he said “yeah I guess :(” and then I left him on read and that was the end of that conversation. I feel like a really good person for letting him down as nicely as I did because I felt like saying “nah I’m not fucking into you” especially since he’s been such an awful and selfish friend since we left high school, but I decided to be the bigger person because I know he’s struggling right now. And I feel sad that he’s reached a point in his life where he’s creating something that never existed because he’s so lost and alone and confused. I wish I could be there for him but I just can’t... 

My therapist says I can be too loyal to people sometimes. Even when people hurt me, I’m still there and I feel like I owe it to them to stick around and support them. I pretend like I’ll drop anyone that hurts me, but it’s obvious I’m loyal since I’m still willing to treat this dude with more kindness in this one interaction than he’s given me in 2 1/2 years. I want to be a kind person but I don’t want to be loyal to a fault... I think it’s harmful and self destructive. I need to work on it. 

Anyways, last night when I got out of the shower I had a towel wrapped around me and felt something weird and looked down and a giant spider was crawling around on my tiddy... I screamed so loud I’m surprised the family I’m staying with didn’t come running into the guesthouse from the main house to make sure I’m okay lol. I killed it with my textbook, which is now sitting in the corner of the room because I’m not in the right mental space to clean spider guts off a textbook after that whole ordeal. 

I keep saying I need to be more active and then I never am. I used to be on this site all the time. It really felt like somewhere that I could get shit off my chest. I guess... I made it with the intention to keep going forward with my recovery and I worry that my current struggles mean I shouldn’t be on this account because it doesn’t correlate with my past intentions? Or maybe I feel guilty and don’t want to face it...

I have this huge level of cognitive dissonance right now. I logically know that my excitement about going back to school so I can start getting high everyday again is BAD, but I still feel excitement and don’t fully see how bad it is. I’m only smoking weed. And it hasn’t had an impact on my academic performance yet, so I can’t seem to find a reason to convince myself that it’s bad to be excited. It’s the same with my unhealthy eating behaviors. I’m excited to go back because I’ll be able to get even more physical movement in and eat even less, and people won’t even notice. Now that I’ve lost weight I can just say “I just can’t eat as much as I used to” and people have to believe me. But I know how unhealthy my behaviors are. I logically know that this isn’t something I can do lightly and then just “stop” once I’ve reached a desired weight. But a part of me truly thinks I can get away with it and I just can’t seem to convince myself to stop. Maybe I see myself as too strong? I think I’m superior due to my years of treatment so I believe I have better self control? Or maybe I like being self destructive and I hate myself too much to actually stop? Ugh I don’t know.

I do know that I’m so unhappy. My friends don’t care about me. Yeah I’m excited to go back to school because at least my friends there give a shit about me. My two “best” friends rarely talk to me and when they do it’s always about them. I feel so unmotivated to even try to make those relationships more balanced. I’ve put so many years into both of these friendships and it just keeps feeling like I’m always giving more than I take. At what point do I decide that I’m done with that? But if I stop putting effort in then I have no social relationships at all unless I’m at school... is it better to have no one at all or to have friends that take a lot more than they give but are at least there? 

I don’t think I’m chemically depressed I think I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I do everyday is watch fucking Criminal Minds, playing Animal Crossing, and sometimes go see my mom and dogs. I have PT once a week and therapy twice a month. Otherwise I have nothing. And when I go back to school I’ll have a bit more to occupy me which is good but what if I can’t get out of this funk? What if I stay stuck here?

What if I never find someone who’s attracted to me? I was watching the Office with my younger brother and we watched the scene where Michael proposes to Holly and I actually teared up. I’ve seen that show at least three times all the way through and never teared up there, but this time I did. I’m only 20 and I’m doubting my ability to find someone who’ll love me, who’ll think I’m beautiful and sexy and funny and interesting. I always think I don’t want to get married until I see proposals like the one I just referenced (and obviously it’s a show and isn’t real but people do genuinely love each other like that) and I find myself thinking “God, I want someone to love me so much that they want to spend the rest of their life with me” and then 30 seconds later I’m thinking “no one could ever love me like that.”. How did I get like this? Why do I hate myself so much that I can’t believe that anyone could even be attracted to me, want to date me, want to have sex with me, want to love me, want to spend the rest of their life with me? 

I feel like life is just passing by and I’m watching it do so. I know COVID is a big reason why it feels like that because I can’t really go out and be productive and have a social life when we’re fucking stuck inside doing nothing all the time. But I think I’m not sleeping enough either or maybe I’m just not getting restful sleep. Idk cuz I can’t fall asleep for a long ass time but on the days I can sleep in I do sleep “enough” and still feel exhausted.

Maybe another reason I feel exhausted is not eating enough? Idk I feel like I’m eating enough but I do get dizzy and lightheaded a lot which I know could be an indicator of not eating enough... or other things. Who fucking knows.

Okay so I went through the tti from ages 15-17. I went to a wilderness program for 2 1/2 months (july 2015-september 2015) and then a therapeutic boarding school for 16 1/2 months (september 2015- february 2017) and I had two very different experiences. The wilderness program was extremely traumatizing for me. They forced me to go off of all my medications to prove I didn’t need them which sent me into a manic episode that they didn’t even address... they just sent me to my next program super unstable. Also, I’m just not an outside person. I have serious issues with bugs and there were a ton of centipedes and giant spiders and I was made fun and told I would get bad karma whenever I freaked out and killed the centipedes and spiders even though they were venomous and fucking HUGE. Also, because I had a history of self harm (and I did continue to self harm there) they would make me strip every 3 days and they would document every single mark on my body. And they lowkey encouraged my ED... I lost an excessive amount of weight and they let me manipulate them into feeding me even less than the minimum amount so I could lose even more weight. And they never even questioned it because I went into the program fat. So obviously that program was really traumatizing and ineffective. If I had gone home afterwards I would’ve been worse...

My next program was very different. It was longer term, which meant that I had to actually invest and put the work in or I’d be stuck there for even longer. Once we figured out I had bipolar disorder and got me on the right meds, I started to do better. I did emdr and started to develop independence. I also grew up a lot... being away from my parents and living my own life helped. I also realized I needed to go to boarding school after treatment, which was definitely one of the best choices I’ve ever made. Anyways, I don’t think it was traumatizing. Sure, I had some really negative experiences there. I had one staff in particular who was very over invested in me and she would power trip all the time, especially when I wasn’t doing well. Because I was good at manipulation, I would use her and others to get what I wanted, and it pissed me off that she would exert intense amounts of power over me. They weren’t a physical program so she couldn’t restrain me, but if I didn’t do what she said, I could get dropped (being dropped is when you go down at least 1 level. there were 4 levels at my program and you get certain privileges as you go higher up through the levels. This staff only worked there when I was on the first and second phases and she would threaten to drop me to the first one regularly which was fucked up because I was genuinely struggling with shit and instead of actually supporting me she was threatening me). 

They also said the issues with my ankle were psychosomatic and refused to let me get an MRI/XRAY for 8 months despite me being in horrific pain and when they finally let me, the nurse just came up to me one morning while I was getting ready and was like “your lesion is back” then walked off... Like, talk about the worst way to tell me that possible. I remember collapsing to the floor. I’d been told I was lying and exaggerating for 8 months about extreme pain and then was told so nonchalantly that I’d need another serious surgery and another long recovery... I was heartbroken. And no one apologized for not believing me until after I had the surgery 11 months into the program (3 months after I was told the lesion was back). 

The final traumatizing thing was the family trainings. There’s two family trainings that you, your parents, and siblings must complete before you graduate. Because my parents are divorced and at the time couldn’t even be in the same room as each other, I had to do both trainings twice. During the second time doing the 2nd training (just my mom and me), we were struggling. We had to get up in front of 2 other families, three therapists (one was mine), and the CEO/executive director of the program and give each other feedback. I gave my mom feedback telling her she’s unreliable (which was and still is true) and everyone started shitting on me. All 4 program people and my mom leapt on me and told me I had unfair expectations of her, all because I wanted her to be on time to shit... Then, they called up a girl that I had major fucking beef with who was graduating (and didn’t deserve it and is currently on drugs and fucking up majorly and sorry that’s really judgmental but I’m proving a point) and didn’t know shit about my family issues because we didn’t ever have the same therapy groups the whole fucking time and had her “show me” how I should respond to my mom and it was basically just praising her every action... My mom is not a fucking saint. And that made me ready to leave the program. I actually graduated the program 3 weeks later, which was relieving because I was furious and just done then. I could tell that they were never really gonna teach my parents that they weren’t “gods” and I needed to figure out how to do that myself or separate myself and have really good boundaries with them. I’d also been there for 16 months and was functioning well so I felt ready to leave. Damn... it felt good to type all that out.

Anyways, I didn’t experience abuse or severe trauma at the second program. I also don’t believe I experienced abuse at the first program but it was extremely traumatizing. I still have nightmares and physical flashbacks about being there. After I left treatment and started using drugs/drinking/self harming during my manic episode. I was so paranoid that I’d get sent back there that I couldn’t tell anyone I was struggling. When I got sexually assaulted, I didn’t even tell my therapist or the cops I’d been high that night because I was so terrified I’d be sent away again. And the second I turned 18 I was relieved. I can never be forced back into a program against my will. I can always pull myself.