旅をしませんか

Please forgive me.

And if you don’t, it doesn’t matter.

I forgive myself.

I forgive those who made me this way.

I free myself from guilt.

I free those people from guilt of treating me bad.

I wish everyone whom I hurted a peaceful life.

Suddenly remembered the first time I encountered with jealousy. When I was around 11, there was a moment where my friend’s cat died. I was with my dad. She was with her mom. We lived closely so when it happened, her clueless mom asked my father what went wrong with this cat, so my father checked its condition and told them that this cat was already gone and nothing we could do anymore. My friend cried out loud, I was dropping some tears too because it was my first time seeing a living thing stop breathing. But when I saw my father calming her and taking care of the cat, that’s when I felt a jealousy for the first time. Not because I was jealous over my father giving attention to other people but more like I just realized that she got so much attention from everyone else. Because we lived that close, we played together and we saw the same people around us. Most of those people were asking her like how was her day etc, remembering her birthday, showing efforts to look for a perfect gift for her. It’s very contrary to what happened to me. Back then, I didn’t know how to define my feeling, that it was actually called jealousy. I didn’t even knew it was a ‘problem’ that I could share to my parents and asked for their help to navigate this feeling. So I carried that jealousy inside me. I kept comparing her beauty, her brilliance, and all to myself. I kept self-loathing and never felt beautiful enough to sit side to side with her. Long story short, I finally found this man. He kept texting me ‘I love you’ in the first week of our relationship to the point where I felt like I need to be cautious because I never received such affection from anyone else. He said that I might be his future wife. That even worsen I thought. I kept rejecting his love text just because I felt it was a lie. Someone like me received that kind of love from a man? He kept telling me that I was the most beautiful girl he ever met. I was mentally screaming, “that’s bu****it! I have these acnes even my mom disgusted”. But he kept showing up. He’s always there proving his words. That man is now becoming the love of my life that is kind and patient with me. That I finally can figure out what was actually happened inside me and happy to say that I’m healed. I’m so thankful that God has given me so much grace to become who I am today.