Dear Bigfoot,

I’m exasperated at all my biggest, smallest, and wildest fears coming true. In some of the most “this doesn’t happen to just anybody” ways. I feel like I keep getting shanked at every angle. All my negative thoughts, even BRIEF; manifest. And all of my small dreams, endeavors, good breaks, reasonable asks of life/the world -- stay in dream land. I feel comically cursed. comically. Sure, “there’s people who have it worse” “that’s how life works” people will tell me. But I don’t accept that anymore. There’s not an area in my life that’s doing great. I’m hanging on in all areas and have; f o r  y e a r s . Since fucking young childhood. Who does life favor? Am I paying for the sins of myself, or my father, or?  Life gives me just enough for people to say I can’t complain. But this luck, or lack of it -- it’s like death by a thousand little cuts.  They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But what about when life gives you rotten lemons? 

Will I ever find what I want to feel. 

I have been existing with one full foot each in different realities. A recipe for guaranteed un-fulfillment. I’m at a place now where I don’t even want to drink/party it away -- hiding in those places makes me feel worse which is a pretty bad level to get to. When you’re so at the end of your rope you can’t help but to just deal with it. sit with it. acknowledge it out loud. I’m not looking for sympathy; lord knows I don’t deserve it. Although who the fuck KNOWS what the lord knows.

i don’t know what feels more right and what feels more wrong. I don’t fucking know. Love; It’s not as simple or obvious as the basic romantics will condemn and yell at me about. so seriously fuck anyone who tries to tell me that it’s obvious. That if you’re thinking about someone else you don’t still severely love the other person. It’s not that fucking simple for me and I can thank my honeycomb/Jenga like childhood for the broken ways i might forever love people.  

I’ve never fully let go of S. Even when we were fully broken up in those months, we weren’t. Even when he cheated on us when I got back; I didn’t use that as the very fair catalyst it would have been to let go fully. 

S is my home. I love making him happy. I love making him proud. I love being his co-pilot. I love the way he wakes up literal hours before me and then crawls in to bed to hug me and kisses my face when it’s time for me to wake up at 8am. I love how he says “hi!!” when I answer the phone. I love how he makes me feel safe and i love that i make him feel safe. But there is a part of me that is not there. There is this part of me that is always somewhere else. and its starting to really kill me. this part of me that makes it so im never fully with him. this part of me that actively has a separate life. The part of me that makes me lay there during sex waiting for it to be over so we can just go watch movies together on the couch. The part of me that doesn’t want sex with him, but doesn’t want to cuddle with anyone else. The part of me that hates myself but can’t feel it. I’m a broken fucking idiot.  I just want to be happy. I just want to be all there. I just want to find what I want to feel

Hey chica for some reason you have been on my mind a lot lately so I was wondering if everything is going okay. Is it? I had a weird dream the other night and you and Bruce were in it. It was weird because Bruce showed up out of nowhere, walked into some house we were at and just stared at everyone. But it was like everyone was in a freeze-frame with the exception of a couple of us. Then Butch came up behind him and gave us a crooked smile. Sometimes I wonder how you are holding up with all you have on your plate and all the things you have been through. I know that when you are strong it is hard for others to see what is really going on inside and they don't realize how fragile we feel.  in the corner of my eye i saw you fall to the ground and cry. Bruce came over and picked you up and kept saying I know, I know, this isn't it. I don't know if dreams have any true meaning or if that even speaks to you but i thought i would share it in case it does. That was all of the dream you two were in. But it has kept you in my thoughts ever since. I feel in some ways we are similar in that we have had to endure many tragedies in our life but at the same time we have been more blessed than many. We have a lot of responsibility and pressures from others. We are survivors who people often don't understand what it has taken for us to get where we are or even wake up to a face another day. People think that they know us but do they really? And if you are like me the times when people think i am happy have actually been my loneliest times. So i thought maybe you have been in my thoughts because i am supposed to encourage you and let you know that i see you and i know some of what you have had to endure.