How To Get Away With Murder: Actual Tips

✨Gloves✨

You know rubber gloves? Those weird purple kind or the blue kind that never really fits your hands and feels like finger condoms?

Yeah don’t use those.

“But red,” you say, “they’re cheap and disposable and hard to trace! Why don’t I use them?”

It takes 15 minutes for the oils of your hands (that means fingerprints) to seep through those things. Fifteen. And I’m tellin you (DEFINITLY not from personal experience or anything) that it’s gonna take longer than that.

Repeat after me:

Rubber gloves are snitches.

Double up. No, triple or quadruple up. This is life in prison no parole business we’re talking about!! Take it serious!

Gardening gloves.

Those weird dish washing scrub a dub dub gloves (yeah you know those bright colored ones all moms have under their sinks? What is with that?? Anyway)

Leather gloves.

Snow gloves.

Please don’t use mittens that’s the socks and sandals of manslaughter.

The point is, get smart. Be careful. If they’re really blood covered, burn them. This is not the time to worry about the ozone layer.

And don’t forget to not be stupid.

If you use fingerless gloves I swear to the lord almighty which says a lot cause I’m not Christian—you get everything coming for you.

Kill someone out of state. Now if you live in New England and kill someone in CA, that can be either genius or very stupid on ur part.

It’s Russian rullette: if the trips big enough, and people in ur life know u went to San Francisco during the time of three murders, well—better safe than sorry.

Out of state, try to chose a neighboring state—don’t make it far enough away that it becomes a noticable trip.

It has come to my attention that y’all are crazy. Which is fine, we all a bit crazy.

But what’s further perked up my ears, was realizing that some of y’all, an alarming number of y’all, don’t know how to correctly murder someone.

Not that you’d actually murder a person, wink wink, but for you writers out there. I will show you the ropes of manslaughter.

First off, let’s set the three ground rules to murder:

1: don’t be a dumbass. Dumbasses get caught. Or worse, get killed.

2: never, NEVER kill someone u have connections (ESPECIALLY GRUDGES) with. Amature move.

3: don’t underestimate cops. Their idiots, but ur an idiot too. Remember that.

With that outta the way, I’m about to make felons out of you. From planning, to following through, to covering tracks, and even as far as what to do if the cops are getting close. Hell, if y’all go to court I’ll tell u how to play the jury like a fiddle.

Let’s do this shit