a flag for folk who identify as polyam, but aren't, for whatever reason

1. the sunset lesbian flag is a combination of a preexisting lipstick lesbian flag and butch flag(@butchspace), in 2017 @shapeshifter-of-constellation made a version combining with the pink stripes on top. emily gwen's flag("created" 2018) is literally SOC's flag rotated in MS paint, SOC changed the pink colours from the lipstick lesbian flag slightly and emily gwen's flag colors matches the SOC hexcodes exactly. the picture dimensions match exactly too. she also plagiarized the stated meanings of the stripes and multiple people have tried to get her to acknowledge this but she just said "oops i forgot where i got the inspiration from" + her friend julia gorst / poetrylesbians suggested alternate meanings for the stripes that have since been adopted

2. but who is julia gorst? julia catherine gorst is the name and identity associated with the paypal that handled *all* of emily gwen's kofi donations, and emily gwen's redbubble links to julia's socmed. according to emily gwen, they were close friends in 2018 and julia volunteered emily her old personal paypal account to handle all this money bc emily gwen is no contact with an abusive homophobic stalker father and doesn't want her real name on the internet. but allegedly julia never uses that paypal and would never take a cent of emily's money

3. julia catherine gorst is also the name and paypal associated with at least three other fundraiser blogs made in 2018 with fabricated stories(diabetic mother, being kicked out, stuff that did Not happen to julia) to julia. she has also been fundraising on poetrylesbians for rent, transport money, wisdom teeth removal etc using the same juliacath paypal that is allegedly just for emily. julia's name and address is also listed for any wishlist items anyone has sent emily. julia's phone number(and phone model) + email is listed as the recovery info for emily's email.

4. "this doesn't mean they're the same person?" well, according to julia gorst, she has been friends with emily gwen since 2018 but has never met her IRL and hasn't even talked to her in years! despite both living in the same city(brisbane) and handling over 120k AUD for emily gwen and controlling the paypal where emily gwen's lifesaving donation money gets sent. emily gwen constantly posted about needing money for bills rent food transport URGENTLY and paypal to bank transfers takes several days to clear so if emily gwen truly needed critical funds she and julia would have had to be in close coordination. + emily gwen's redbubble credentials were found on one of those "has your information been leaked" websites and the password contained the name julia

5. all of this information is from screenshots from the callout doc and posts on julia's own poetrylesbian blog/instagram if you wish to verify, the core of emily gwen's scam persona was that she was homeless after being kicked out by homophobic family and unemployed due to chronic/mental health issues. julia gorst however receives money from her affluent family and has stable housing while she did her undergrad and masters. her dad had a high paying engineering job in the UAE, she has posted about visiting him in abu dhabi and dubai on her tumblr and pictures of her boarding passes on instagram. at one point she begged her mom to leave her stepdad so her mom moved out with her for 2 years while paying the rent And a mortgage with the stepdad. julia's mom and dad have an agreement to pay for her rent and education until she finished school and found a job. she also receives centrelink youth allowance (aus welfare program to help students, not a loan).

6. its true people w rich parents can still be personally broke or estranged. sometimes homelessness or financial/familial abuse doesn't look obvious from the outside, or maybe her family's financial situation could have changed, and centrelink payments doesnt mean youre rolling in it, all that is true and reasons someone could use real support but julia gorst created an entire FAKE PERSONA in emily gwen with a fake backstory to garner donations. if julia was genuinely struggling financially she wouldn't need to make a fake name with a fake backstory divorced from her irl identity to get donations and maintain that alt for EIGHT years. to me that says malicious intent!

7. people started questioning emily gwen the past few years and asked her to make donation amounts public on kofi, which revealed she had received 17,314 donations since 2024. assuming everyone donated the suggested 5usd(some people could have donated lower but many people donated higher so it evens out) thats over 86k usd / 120k aud. julia gorst was never homeless and has her bills covered by her family. every time emily gwen posted about a new crisis she framed it like she would be in imminent danger or starving without donations(pressuring people to donate even if they couldn't really afford to) but that was never actually true

so yeah. julia gorst and emily gwen are the same person and she is a massive scammer. people are doubting this information bc of the classist and ableist tone of the callout document/twitter thread (how dare poor people go to concerts! how dare homeless people own smartphones or need ongoing financial support!) but in this case julia was never actually poor she was LYING. specifically she lied about being homeless bc homelessness and poverty is dangerous urgent and expensive and she knew it would elicit more compassion. she faked screenshots of negative bank balances constantly to pressure people

it fucking sucks we live in a society where poor people have to rely on mutual aid to live and it double fucking sucks this rich white girl who never needed it decided to grift from mutual aid networks thats basically made of the same 25$ being passed around by disabled lgbt people. its true that once you donate money you dont have a say in what the person does with it (if i donated to a homeless guy and he spends it on beer thats his right since the money was gifted and thats none of my business) but julia was taking money under false pretenses! money that most people would not have chosen to donate if they knew the truth. she manipulated marginalized communities for 8 years and clearly would never have stopped on her own. now julia gorst / poetrylesbians is trying to pretend she's a victim of emily gwen and posting memes like normal. i wouldnt gaf if she scammed rich people frankly but this is just disgusting

at the end of the day i dont believe in witch hunting people or permacancelling her or whatever. theres no way to refund the money realistically and theres no legal case. but being bitter for a second imagine how many other lives could have been improved with 100$ at the right time how many people lose opportunities because they can't afford 20$ transport to a job interview or ended up in a tight spot because of a 35$ overdraft fee. how dehumanizing it is to choose between 10$ for food or for menstrual products. how many people gave out of compassion to support another queer person in need.

agh. sorry this was super long! i'm just seeing a lot of people express doubt over emily gwen being a scammer bc the og doc/twitter thread is so toxic and i really want people to have the facts on her so they can make an informed decision

cedural attraction and tutelary attraction for anon!

If you think someone’s identity is valid and/or they count as experiencing cissexism/transmisogyny only if they

Identify as “transsexual” - a word with not so great history/connotations

Identify within the binary

Use only male or female pronouns - or maybe “they” although that’s stretching it

Appease the cis majority (by avoiding, for example, expressions like “die cis scum”)

You are not fighting trans oppression.  You’re fighting for True Transsexual superiority over other trans* people.  You are TruScum, and I do not want your internalized cissexism in my life.

Seriously, trans* folks already have to fight cis people to be given the very bare minimum of respect for our identities.  We should not have to fight these assholes as well. >_>

She was a regular person, just with a title and fancy clothes.  

first off, "inner conviction about one's sense of gender" in the definition of maverique seems to have been included as another way of saying "this gender is not neutral", since queerascat thought of neutrality as not necessarily apathy, but as not participating in something, not taking a side in multiple opposing points, not having conviction.

here's what they said about their own sense of gender:

the sense of my own gender is too loud. it’s too conflicting with modern notions of gender to lie quiet in the shadows under some feigned pretense of neutrality.

and this is how i feel as well. even before reading this part, i thought that "strong sense of gender" is associated with maveriques is because our gender is in such deep conflict with the gender binary that it becomes nearly impossible to ignore. that's certainly part of my personal sense of gender, and seemingly vesper's too.

that said, i don't think a strong sense of gender is required to be maverique. i believe that maveriques are on an equal playing field with men and women (in theory - in practice, unfortunately there is exorsexism), so our experiences as maveriques can be as varied as those of men and women. there are men and women who don't have a particularly strong sense of gender, but still consider themselves strictly male or female. i don't see how the same couldn't be true for maveriques.

when i hear "inner sense of gender" specifically, i think of a sense of gender that exists regardless of who i'm with, even when i'm alone. i've heard a lot of people, especially nonbinary people, talk about how they feel more strongly gendered, or feel gender at all, in interactions with other people, but their gender isn't really something they think about when alone. that's not something i personally relate to. my gender is always present, even when i'm alone and not actively being reminded of it. similarly to that, i also don't relate when people say they think less about their gender the further they are into their transition - i think about my gender a lot, even 8 years after coming out. it's always there. it's not something i actively choose to think about, not really something i have to maintain. it's just very much there. it's hard to explain. maybe it's one of those "if you have it, you know it" things.

i don't have any personal experience with gender apathy, so take this with a grain of salt, but intuitively i'd say that gender apathy and "inner sense of gender" are opposites, even moreso the stronger your sense of gender gets.

my gender is here, it's always there, somewhere inside me. i have this feeling.

it may be stronger or weaker in different moments of my life dependent on other stuff. but it is always here.

i can't say that i don't care about gender as a whole. i can't say that i don't care about my gender specifically.

gender identity is one of important identities for me. it's something that matters for me. that i want to express, that i need other people to know to feel that they know me, that i need to give substantial place in my life.

i guess for some people lack of gender feeling and gender apathy will be separate. for example, they may have no gender feeling and care a lot about it. or they may have distinct gender feeling but don't care much about them.

inner from innerworld. like aut- from autism originally meant innerworld (auto- prefix means self-).

now if you dedicate to fulfill yourself, subverting the external expectations (outer world).

• other people's gender as an extremely relevant datapoint in how I can conceptualize their personality and the overall tone of our interactions (and I am into MOGAI stuff because I think it would be exorsexist not to want to also see other nonbinary people in an accurate light, if I think so much about it)

• how gender makes them see the world in a light distinct from my own

• how this may create many gaps in worldviews, priorities and needs

• how I cannot go around this gap in failsafe ways

• how my own biases aren't something terribly logical

• how I am not fundamentally distinct from people who have binary genders in that

• how I feel no offense at being gendered — and in a way, misgendered (I kind of expect people to believe my corporeality, socialization and behavior align in a way that they'd interpret me to have a male bias? and how that's not really untrue?)

• how I still feel a huge gap between myself and [other?!] men that's on occasion just as wide as or wider than the gap between me and women

• how I want to relate to other people and see myself as an ultimate gender diplomat (panzerogender metaneutrois) but simultaneously know that's extremely far from the truth and the more I try to explain myself to most people, the more confused they get (or think I am a navelgazing tryhard, or neutrally think that this is too autistic), due to the way you cannot effectively put this qualia of having a specific gender into words to then transmit it (to most people)

• how I am fine with not being able to be the ultimate gender diplomat, because I am my own very odd thing that is thus isolated from others, and so much of my experiences require extremely specific context and baggage, but this is NOT about apathy or about not caring about gender, it's about me being really strongly distinct from everybody else and *accepting that and finding that rad*, to the point I am even a bit smug about it (metamaverique, very light kenochoric teas), which is in an opposite direction from the empathy necessary for the neutrois thing

• and finally, and this one gets spicy, how I find not possessing a sense of gender identity, considering that this is the way I function, one of the most mystifying sides of our acronym, particularly when it comes to identities everybody knows. even the inner nuances of my own identity as a nonbinary person are gendered, for example, I'd say my neutrois side is more feminine-shaded and my maverique side more masculine-shaded.

I am gonna say something unhinged, but 7-12 years ago when this was all new, I would try to move myself to a gender as if I was astral projecting, but agender felt like depression. all the gender labels coming across as *equally* nonsensical in your personal experience? finding men and women *equally* unrelatable? finding *either* type of misgendering equally incorrect? it legit felt like spiritually attacking myself. (maybe those aren't universals and agender people definitely are more "antigender"-ish about some concepts than others? this was 12 years ago tho! one love)

People give xenogender peeps a lot of flak but those were vastly more pleasant to try to mutate myself into temporarily, even though technically I was never sure I could truly relate and Kirby them up since the logic in which their sense of gender operates is distinct from my own — trying to think of myself as a woman is much easier [and feels truer] than to try to fold my sense of gender into something that operates like a butterfly, even though I am a billion-quintillion (?) times more of a man than a woman, and 2-50 (?) times more neutrois and maverique than a man.

(Is this even correct? technically I can subsume my nonbinariness into a subset of me being a man, but I can't do the opposite; I am, nevertheless, infinitely more nonbinary than most men out there [this sense of competitiveness is where my metamaverique identity is also a 'valid solution' of panzerogender for me 😁 competing with metaneutrois as its gemigender]. But the point is, in spite of that, I feel ∞ times closer to cisness than I feel to agenderness! Crazy!)

I am a neurotic (vs psychotic or perverse) [I kinda have OCD, I don't think it could be an independent diagnosis but as a comorbidity to my autism it works] with anxious attachment.

ENTP (ILE-Ne but the intellectuality of 6 and L1 brings me ILE-Ti traits) 6w7 LEFV (Attitudinal Psyche).

I *NEED* to make sense of things and I got a compulsion of trying to sniff around other people's business and trying to poke them until I figure them out. It's how I got into astrology even though I started as a very skeptical atheist trying to debunk it, too. The tea was scalding. I will often be the best about remembering details about a friend in a friend group, even though I might struggle to remember names.

It's not my internalized perceptions of the world that I will question. I will by nature assume what I already know to be right until proven the contrary. And I will be fine with people being like this.

It's the fact that other people are mystery boxes (+ anxious attachment/rejection sensitive dysphoria!!) that will 'deterritorialize' me.

I just meant that in my case specifically, my personal twist to maverique (metamaverique) feels boyish and edgy (in the way kenochoric could include, among other things, a sense of gender that feels somewhat unintentionally hostile to humanity) whereas my personal twist to neutrois (metaneutrois) feels girlish and prim, like in that "oh it's fine I just didn't expect it to be Chinese" TikTok meme about going to heaven.

My 2018 gender equation is very outdated (for one, it has narkissi but I no longer self-dx as having compensatory NPD 😅 it was just pathological demand avoidance + rejection sensitive dysphoria + being young + being an extrovert) but it's right at the start. Nonpuer and proxvir at one hand and nonpuella and juxera as less central molligenders flavoring the maverique and neutrois core represents part of that concept.

it colors your experience of gender as one that you experience through feelings of detachment, alienation, distance and/or incomprehension of your own community, particularly the one(s) in your upbringing that defined how you view society and your native culture(s).

maybe it's a gender that you associate with the factors leading you to feel out of place growing up with all the gender binary things that felt nonsensical around you, whether you are nonbinary or a binary trans person.

it is nevertheless not specific to AGAB-dissident people. for example, a person deemed male at birth who does not disagree in any way with his own label as a man, but that when looking at what goes outside his door, he feels like he is not built like that and that men in the outside world feel like they are a different sort of people.

it is neither specific to cause — neurodivergence, a different type of disability, gender nonconformity, a different axis of oppression like race, coming from an immigrant background, class, an interest deemed inappropriate, people just not liking you, your own culture having things you found hard to put up with or that was difficult/dangerous to navigate in general, your primary caregivers being otherwise very odd people in relation to the rest of society and you didn't feel "bilingual", a combination of several of these — nor how you feel about it.

maybe you rock it, maybe you stress over it, maybe you have an inferiority complex, maybe you have a superiority complex, maybe you're coping with not having been at the top, maybe you're difficult and people around you were chill and ready to accept you but interpersonal skills didn't come naturally.

maybe you felt like your family or your peers were a refuge, maybe they felt like part of the problem, maybe either or both felt like the worst offenders, maybe different sets of people had different associations for you, maybe it changed in time depending on them acting different or your own growth and changes.

it can be combined with other things, for example, muroautigender being a gender borne out of or shaped by the sense of distance between you and most people + the social construct of gender in society as you experienced it first-hand specifically in the context of being autistic. maybe you'd want to coin something that rolls off the tongue more easily, not just for muroautigender but many other possible subsets.

Not that this kind of sentiment is unique or specific to the perception that people want to detach themselves from womanhood — I am nonbinary + cis man, and before I made peace with my AGAB, people also used to say I only claim nonbinary to dodge reflecting on my privilege, and they mocked the concept that gender could be anything but a benefit with the ever so odd inconvenience to people deemed male by society.

As if most cis men feel forcibly compelled to reckon with their male privilege at all, as if people took "male-read DMAB nonbinary people aren't privileged" (this is not a statement/discourse) very seriously even in the trans community, and as if being a cis man is necessarily always the experience of being a celebrated jock that just comes naturally and that you could only feel good about.

I would definitely be murogender even if I wasn't nonbinary, and maybe I am only nonbinary because I was always (~age 5, at least) very muroboy*. Or, I don't know where one thing begins and the other starts, which is part of why I claim both nonbinary and cis man.

* {I don't consider myself gender nonconforming. You would guess I am LGBTQIA now that I am 30 and don't give "nextdoor dad/working man", but not necessarily so when I was 18. My voice is very ambiguous, but more so boyish (girlish at the phone or in recordings, but not irl).

I knew that I liked boys in a way that was deemed atypical at 7, knew that people would be up in arms about it at 10, but only realized this fully meant I am bi and ~queer~ at 13 (before I was 12, I kinda thought gays and lesbians were trans people who were too poor or too scared to transition, and that me being 'a dog' [bi] meant I wasn't a mean, picky trans-amorous person towards the gay men who were also all potential trans girls, but still fully a man [straight and adjacent] myself... people in Brazil often contrasted gays with men), which promptly made me come out (as you can see, I have the type of ADHD that makes you yap), but this was a brave decision. It's tiresome that people keep degendering gay and bi men, like... we fought in Troy, we fought for Thebes, we fought for Alexander, we were samurai. /j

I don't relate to the kind of oppression experienced by men perceived as sissies + transfem sissies, people just sissyzone all kind and nice boys and all bi and gay men, but effeminacy is not really my situation. I am abinary and too autistic to try to binary, but GNC feels like it should be about femininity when discussing people like me, and I never really felt feminine.

To explicitly state it, I am not invalidating people who are GNC and all over the spectrum of gender of course, it's just that another thing people claim in Brazil is that "nonbinary is afeminada erasure". I was never an afem, in fact even while I fully claimed non-man, my gender was still closer to hegemonic man than to afem. But if you know anything about gender norms, it is that in order to embody them, you need to commit yourself to it, and as an auDHD person I am quick to reach a limit and draw a boundary.

Nonbinary felt comfortable because it came with a baggage of stereotypes that fit me way better than those associated with afems. Plus, it was still the woods here when I first came. GNC, as much as some people find it less dumb than nonbinary and explicitly try to erase us with it, to me really sounds like people believe you can only be a man, an afem (or a butch) or a woman. It's particularly dumb coming from other Brazilians. If you understand that travestis can be different from trans women, you can understand there's something other than afem between hegemonic manhood and being transfem.

I like murogender because it could make people think of "GNC" in a more "oh, like autistic people struggling to fit in" (gender in the way society is societying is not a language they feel comfortable with) way as opposed to "oh they're afem/tomboy" (they give 💅/💪). And it's explicitly made to include cis people since many are so quick to try to dismiss the possibility that nonbinary people have our own sort of separate qualia regarding gender. "Oh but perfectly average cis men and cis women have those issues too" This label is also for them!

And if you're a potential cis muroguy or murochick reading this, please don't feel like I am only including you to own the exorsexists. This consideration was always part of my sentiment. Like, one could easily identify I am autistic from the way I feel like a giant boy that happens to have reached 30, as opposed to a man. I am not making this up, one of my internet friends from Facebook says I speak Portuguese with the same diction (dexterity and energy of intonation) as an 8-year-old (and I don't have issues "feeling like an adult", it's just something that gets brought up).

And the man thing was something I always genuinely rejected growing up, because it would be like becoming an entirely different person who is not me, and then if I started to look like a man, they would expect that from me, and to me it would be like getting misgendered. Even before my teens, I thought it was really silly how everyone told us we needed to do things to "grow big and strong"... Why would I want to resemble random men more than my mom or grandma? But maybe people who are like me in almost all regards never had that particular chip on their shoulder, but somehow I am a gender minority and they are not... It feels arbitrary. And I didn't want to turn into a woman like my mom, I just wanted a grown up version of myself, which I felt very strongly would and should be [somewhat] distinct from being a man.

When I first came out as nonbinary in 2013 (age 18) by being presented with the concept,£ I came out as demiboy, but in 2014 I navigated towards just claiming the abinary, genderfluid and pangender parts of my gender since people implicitly or explicitly deemed DMAB demiboys "a cis NLOG inviting themselves in and appropriating a concept and struggle that's not theirs".

And this is ridiculous. Nonbinary encompasses the whole spectrum of having beef with the Western gender binary because it feels like it cannot accurately represent who you are. Through the course of my 20s I started feeling more comfortable being honest with others about my own manhood.£

(I wasn't disingenuous about it, my [googlable + quite outdated] 2018 gender equation has stuff like "proxvir", "oblimasculine", "exiccopostboy". But I feel like it detracts from me being a DUDE dude.

Cis people they/themmed me [not my pronouns — he/him here — but idrc] even when they hated me, which felt surreal but also driven by the consensus created by other nonbinary people that others must respect us. And I was unsure if they did that genuinely or because it was the PC thing to do.

But they didn't need to. I can handle people in their honest forms just fine. I can talk to people where they are as both a very inclu MOGAI coiner and as a performatively masculine cis man. My own way to handle my murogender means I always expect other people's views of gender as a language barrier that I will try to diplomatically overcome.

It's distinct from the way most trans people/most other nonbinary people perceive misgendering as a violence. I didn't like the accusations and twisting of my words from exorsexists I encountered though, of course, and until 2019/age 24 THAT made me dysphoric [more so in an RSD way than gender dysphoria way... I don't think I experienced gender dysphoria outside of ages 13-19]. But I am cis because I can see where other people are coming from in the way they see me.)

£ (I was also never disingenuous because I used to really be so nonbinary and muroboy that I was trans. [Again, this is not a statement on what trans is, just the way I interpret it to label myself] I had been telling people I wanted to stay androgynous and to grow long hair and dye it purple ever since I was 13 in 2008, but it wasn't taken very seriously and no one really understood why that was such a sore point for me, even though I did already relate that to transness the following year, and my worst dysphoria year was 2011.

But as soon as I had the language to express myself properly, the shards were expelled, the wounds healed themselves, I witnessed all the discourse from the perspective of a non-cis person and as a non-man, and I often tried to bridge things and clarify how my own experience was atypical... And I was often too 'meh' to feel like the hurt was my own... So, paradoxically, being openly nonbinary in progressive and leftist spaces was the thing that hegemonic male socialization couldn't do, turn me into a cis man.)

it colors your experience of gender as one that you experience through feelings of detachment, alienation, distance and/or incomprehension of your own community, particularly the one(s) in your upbringing that defined how you view society and your native culture(s).

maybe it's a gender that you associate with the factors leading you to feel out of place growing up with all the gender binary things that felt nonsensical around you, whether you are nonbinary or a binary trans person.

it is nevertheless not specific to AGAB-dissident people. for example, a person deemed male at birth who does not disagree in any way with his own label as a man, but that when looking at what goes outside his door, he feels like he is not built like that and that men in the outside world feel like they are a different sort of people.

it is neither specific to cause — neurodivergence, a different type of disability, gender nonconformity, a different axis of oppression like race, coming from an immigrant background, class, an interest deemed inappropriate, people just not liking you, your own culture having things you found hard to put up with or that was difficult/dangerous to navigate in general, your primary caregivers being otherwise very odd people in relation to the rest of society and you didn't feel "bilingual", a combination of several of these — nor how you feel about it.

maybe you rock it, maybe you stress over it, maybe you have an inferiority complex, maybe you have a superiority complex, maybe you're coping with not having been at the top, maybe you're difficult and people around you were chill and ready to accept you but interpersonal skills didn't come naturally.

maybe you felt like your family or your peers were a refuge, maybe they felt like part of the problem, maybe either or both felt like the worst offenders, maybe different sets of people had different associations for you, maybe it changed in time depending on them acting different or your own growth and changes.

it can be combined with other things, for example, muroautigender being a gender borne out of or shaped by the sense of distance between you and most people + the social construct of gender in society as you experienced it first-hand specifically in the context of being autistic. maybe you'd want to coin something that rolls off the tongue more easily, not just for muroautigender but many other possible subsets.

Not that this kind of sentiment is unique or specific to the perception that people want to detach themselves from womanhood — I am nonbinary + cis man, and before I made peace with my AGAB, people also used to say I only claim nonbinary to dodge reflecting on my privilege, and they mocked the concept that gender could be anything but a benefit with the ever so odd inconvenience to people deemed male by society.

As if most cis men feel forcibly compelled to reckon with their male privilege at all, as if people took "male-read DMAB nonbinary people aren't privileged" (this is not a statement/discourse) very seriously even in the trans community, and as if being a cis man is necessarily always the experience of being a celebrated jock that just comes naturally and that you could only feel good about.

I would definitely be murogender even if I wasn't nonbinary, and maybe I am only nonbinary because I was always (~age 5, at least) very muroboy*. Or, I don't know where one thing begins and the other starts, which is part of why I claim both nonbinary and cis man.

* {I don't consider myself gender nonconforming. You would guess I am LGBTQIA now that I am 30 and don't give "nextdoor dad/working man", but not necessarily so when I was 18. My voice is very ambiguous, but more so boyish (girlish at the phone or in recordings, but not irl).

I knew that I liked boys in a way that was deemed atypical at 7, knew that people would be up in arms about it at 10, but only realized this fully meant I am bi and ~queer~ at 13 (before I was 12, I kinda thought gays and lesbians were trans people who were too poor or too scared to transition, and that me being 'a dog' [bi] meant I wasn't a mean, picky trans-amorous person towards the gay men who were also all potential trans girls, but still fully a man [straight and adjacent] myself... people in Brazil often contrasted gays with men), which promptly made me come out (as you can see, I have the type of ADHD that makes you yap), but this was a brave decision. It's tiresome that people keep degendering gay and bi men, like... we fought in Troy, we fought for Thebes, we fought for Alexander, we were samurai. /j

I don't relate to the kind of oppression experienced by men perceived as sissies + transfem sissies, people just sissyzone all kind and nice boys and all bi and gay men, but effeminacy is not really my situation. I am abinary and too autistic to try to binary, but GNC feels like it should be about femininity when discussing people like me, and I never really felt feminine.

To explicitly state it, I am not invalidating people who are GNC and all over the spectrum of gender of course, it's just that another thing people claim in Brazil is that "nonbinary is afeminada erasure". I was never an afem, in fact even while I fully claimed non-man, my gender was still closer to hegemonic man than to afem. But if you know anything about gender norms, it is that in order to embody them, you need to commit yourself to it, and as an auDHD person I am quick to reach a limit and draw a boundary.

Nonbinary felt comfortable because it came with a baggage of stereotypes that fit me way better than those associated with afems. Plus, it was still the woods here when I first came. GNC, as much as some people find it less dumb than nonbinary and explicitly try to erase us with it, to me really sounds like people believe you can only be a man, an afem (or a butch) or a woman. It's particularly dumb coming from other Brazilians. If you understand that travestis can be different from trans women, you can understand there's something other than afem between hegemonic manhood and being transfem.

I like murogender because it could make people think of "GNC" in a more "oh, like autistic people struggling to fit in" (gender in the way society is societying is not a language they feel comfortable with) way as opposed to "oh they're afem/tomboy" (they give 💅/💪). And it's explicitly made to include cis people since many are so quick to try to dismiss the possibility that nonbinary people have our own sort of separate qualia regarding gender. "Oh but perfectly average cis men and cis women have those issues too" This label is also for them!

And if you're a potential cis muroguy or murochick reading this, please don't feel like I am only including you to own the exorsexists. This consideration was always part of my sentiment. Like, one could easily identify I am autistic from the way I feel like a giant boy that happens to have reached 30, as opposed to a man. I am not making this up, one of my internet friends from Facebook says I speak Portuguese with the same diction (dexterity and energy of intonation) as an 8-year-old (and I don't have issues "feeling like an adult", it's just something that gets brought up).

And the man thing was something I always genuinely rejected growing up, because it would be like becoming an entirely different person who is not me, and then if I started to look like a man, they would expect that from me, and to me it would be like getting misgendered. Even before my teens, I thought it was really silly how everyone told us we needed to do things to "grow big and strong"... Why would I want to resemble random men more than my mom or grandma? But maybe people who are like me in almost all regards never had that particular chip on their shoulder, but somehow I am a gender minority and they are not... It feels arbitrary. And I didn't want to turn into a woman like my mom, I just wanted a grown up version of myself, which I felt very strongly would and should be [somewhat] distinct from being a man.

When I first came out as nonbinary in 2013 (age 18) by being presented with the concept,£ I came out as demiboy, but in 2014 I navigated towards just claiming the abinary, genderfluid and pangender parts of my gender since people implicitly or explicitly deemed DMAB demiboys "a cis NLOG inviting themselves in and appropriating a concept and struggle that's not theirs".

And this is ridiculous. Nonbinary encompasses the whole spectrum of having beef with the Western gender binary because it feels like it cannot accurately represent who you are. Through the course of my 20s I started feeling more comfortable being honest with others about my own manhood.£

(I wasn't disingenuous about it, my [googlable + quite outdated] 2018 gender equation has stuff like "proxvir", "oblimasculine", "exiccopostboy". But I feel like it detracts from me being a DUDE dude.

Cis people they/themmed me [not my pronouns — he/him here — but idrc] even when they hated me, which felt surreal but also driven by the consensus created by other nonbinary people that others must respect us. And I was unsure if they did that genuinely or because it was the PC thing to do.

But they didn't need to. I can handle people in their honest forms just fine. I can talk to people where they are as both a very inclu MOGAI coiner and as a performatively masculine cis man. My own way to handle my murogender means I always expect other people's views of gender as a language barrier that I will try to diplomatically overcome.

It's distinct from the way most trans people/most other nonbinary people perceive misgendering as a violence. I didn't like the accusations and twisting of my words from exorsexists I encountered though, of course, and until 2019/age 24 THAT made me dysphoric [more so in an RSD way than gender dysphoria way... I don't think I experienced gender dysphoria outside of ages 13-19]. But I am cis because I can see where other people are coming from in the way they see me.)

£ (I was also never disingenuous because I used to really be so nonbinary and muroboy that I was trans. [Again, this is not a statement on what trans is, just the way I interpret it to label myself] I had been telling people I wanted to stay androgynous and to grow long hair and dye it purple ever since I was 13 in 2008, but it wasn't taken very seriously and no one really understood why that was such a sore point for me, even though I did already relate that to transness the following year, and my worst dysphoria year was 2011.

But as soon as I had the language to express myself properly, the shards were expelled, the wounds healed themselves, I witnessed all the discourse from the perspective of a non-cis person and as a non-man, and I often tried to bridge things and clarify how my own experience was atypical... And I was often too 'meh' to feel like the hurt was my own... So, paradoxically, being openly nonbinary in progressive and leftist spaces was the thing that hegemonic male socialization couldn't do, turn me into a cis man.)