WaffleFishKing

I grew up in a little town, and I visit every other weekend. I live with my Dad but when I see my mom every other weekend I go to the town I lived in, because that’s where my grandma lives and I grew up there. I only moved with my Dad a few years ago.

I was at the park in a little hidden stone area at the small town since I was visiting, and I was sitting while drawing and listening to music. I didn’t hear her come up the stairs. Who? Lilith. She is a year younger than me, but two grades below me. She goes to my school, so when I looked up and saw her it was a shock since where I lived and where I was was quite a distance.

Lilith is a new friend of mine, but we’ve grown quite close. She’s beautiful. I thought it was odd because of her name and appearance, when I first met her. And some might understand why. She had red hair, ginger maybe, emerald green eyes, tan and tons of freckles. She was a little taller than me, maybe 5′3? I’m 4′11. 

She was so unbelievably nice. A lot of people don’t like me at school, but she did. Not like that, we aren’t in any sort of relationship. We just recently met. Some boys were messing with me and she helped heal me.

She came up to me, we talked. She asked what I was doing there, and I told her that was my hometown I told her about. Apparently that was hers too. She was two years before me so we probably only went to school together in elementary school, and she moved to where I live now for high school, so this year since she’s a freshman and I’m a junior.

“How come we lived in the same town and never met?” She asked, because my best friend was in the same grade as her, yet I don’t think they knew each other. “I keep to myself, I guess.” I think I lied. Almost everyone in that town knew who I was. I’m glad she never heard of me. Not that it would’ve been an issue, just if she heard of me she would know what others thought and she would know things I wish were kept private.

“I’ve never even seen you around before. Do you come out often?”

“I’m always out when I’m here,” I said back.

“I am too, so why have we never met before this year?”

How am I to respond to that? I don’t know why, and if I did, it would reveal things I wanted to keep hidden at my new school. So finally I responded, “I’m not sure.”

“Well since we missed so many years of friendship we could have had, why don’t we make up some of that time now?” Her question made me anxious.

“I know a place.” And I took her to my favorite place, and we swam and sat and talked, I showed her some of my art. We don’t like each other. At least, I don’t like her. 

Now, why do I post this? 1) Because I haven’t posted in a little, 2) some might find it entertaining to read, and 3) nobody else knows.

Plus, I just wanted to write about this. I need this to be somewhere I can look in the future and read. I want to keep this written. She’ll never see it, nor will anyone else I know.

I love you but hate everything about you.

First of all, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!

Now the post. 

Looking in mirrors is really... odd, for me.? I don’t even know how to begin to talk about it or describe it. It’s like I have no idea what I’m looking at, or who I’m looking at, then I start thinking about different things I see.. or don’t see. Things others might use to describe me.

First thing, which is quite obvious, I don’t see a girl, and thank god because I’m not a girl. But I don’t see a boy. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see me. I see someone so unfamiliar, and it bothers me so much. How do I change what I see? And if the answer is what I think it is, why the fuck do I need to wait so long?

Seriously. I’m 17 years old. I could have gotten on hormone blockers, I could have started testosterone. I haven’t even gotten my name legally changed because my father won’t let me, which is odd because he is quite supportive of me. And I’m not in therapy or anything either, so I will probably be 20 before I can even start thinking about testosterone, since I’m pretty sure I need to be in therapy for two years.

But what if that doesn’t help? What if after I get everything done and I think that’s supposed to help with everything, dysphoria and my mirror issue, what if it doesn’t help? What if no matter what, I can never see myself? Is it because I’m still trying to find myself?

How come whatever made me made me so... I don’t know. That’s it. How come I was made so unsure of myself. Unsure of everything. I deserve better, don’t I? With everything I’ve been through, I believe I deserve better. So why was I given such a shit way of percieving myself?

I don’t know. Thanks for reading this confusing post if you read it all the way through.

So, I can’t put this on my snapchat for a few reasons, so I’m going to put it here. My sister was on snapchat and this girl from school whom she used to be friends with posted on her story saying that one of the students at our school died. My sister slid up and asked if she actually died, and at first the girl wouldn’t tell her if she did because she said “you didn’t even like her”, like first off that wasn’t true, and second off if it was that doesn’t matter, if someone died then someone died.

Turns out the girl posted it on her story as a joke, like it was a dare. And the girl had my sister panicking because she thought the girl had actually died. 

And I just think that’s super messed up. Like, isn’t it obvious that lying about somebody dying isn’t funny? We have actually lost friends in our life, lying about somebody dying is extremely messed up.

I spend a lot of time on the internet, I am on many social media sites, I listen to plenty of conversations to a lot of different people (whether in real life or not) and something that bothers me is when people get upset and talk about how transgender is the new trend, and it’s a new thing, and a bunch of stuff like that. Just like people say for queer people in general.

Of course more people are coming out nowadays than they were in the past. For many reasons. It’s safer to come out now than it was in the past, more people are aware of what being transgender are, there are more forms of support. There are also a lot of unsupportive family’s out there, and some people fear of getting kicked out so they wait till they’re older, come out then and could get disowned, or don’t come out at all. And in the past, like the 1900′s, you wouldn’t find a lot of transgender individuals because of safety. In some countries it is illegal to be transgender, some you can be murdered for it. You can be murdered anywhere for it, honestly, as far as we’ve come it’s a dangerous world.

Being transgender isn’t some “trend”. Of course we all know about transtrenders, people who identify as transgender because they think it’s cool. But being transgender isn’t “cool”, it’s just being. All we want is the ability to be ourselves. 

Transgender people don’t come out as transgender for attention, or for fun. Because it could just be me but I’m pretty sure we don’t enjoy being scared of leaving the house sometimes, scared of using the bathroom, scared of anybody finding out. And of course it isn’t like that for every transgender individual, but I’m terrified leaving the house. I always carry a knife around because I know what happens. I read about murders and attacks and sexual assault towards LGBTQ+ individuals. We don’t want to be treated poorly, who would want to be treated poorly?

We hid in the past because of safety, but it’s becoming safer, and it’s easier to learn about the LGBTQ+ community, so more people are going to realize that it’s their label, or realize what their label isn’t. More people are going to come out because more people are going to feel safer than we would if this was years ago, but it still needs to get safer.

So much has happened to me just because I’m transgender, same with many others, I know. So it very much upsets me when people say that it’s the new trend, or that it’s new. We’ve always been here, you just see more of us because we feel safer than we ever could. We are here and we are valid.

Trans men are men. Trans women are women. Nonbinary people are valid. You’re all valid. 

My sister is spending the night at one of her friends houses tonight. I finished the book I started this morning and wanted to tell her immediately, but she wasn’t here. And now that I had nothing to distract me, the moment I was alone, I just lost it. I started crying.

It isn’t like this is the first time I realized how incredibly lonely I am, I’m reminded constantly. I never talk to anyone and I never see anyone. My friends and I never talk. I always try texting first and starting a conversation, but it’s always dry and dies fast. Nobody ever tries to make plans with me, and whenever I try to make plans with anyone, it’s always a no. But I always see all my friends hanging out with other people. Nobody puts any effort into me.

And it’s so hard to feel like my family loves me. The sister that is spending the night at her friends house is a sister I’ve spent my entire life with. I spend most hours of the day with her, we share a room, we go to the same school, we are like no pair of siblings you’ve ever met. Even so, we don’t talk much. She doesn’t leave the house with me on the rare occasion I leave, and when she does she usually wants to try to see other people. Recently we’ve been a little distant. I mean, we haven’t had the sibling talks we would have with each other in the middle of the night anymore. We don’t have us stuff anymore. That doesn’t mean I think she doesn’t love me, we are each others favorites and I know that isn’t true. I constantly feel like my Dad doesn’t really love me, even though I know he does, I constantly doubt that and feel I’m nothing but a bother. I feel the same way with my mom, too. And I can actually talk to her. I’ve talked to her about how lonely I’ve been feeling recently, and we watch movies together (when we see each other, I see her every two weeks for a weekend), but it still feels like since everything in the past I still don’t feel enough love. In the past she would put her boyfriends and work and so much above us kids, and it wasn’t until a year and a half ago she stopped doing that, but still, I can’t help it. I have other siblings, but I guess that doesn’t matter on this topic.

And then I feel... another type of lonely. Like nobody will ever love me in the other sort of way. I’m in love with a girl I’ve been in love with since freshman year, and I’m in 11th grade now. We dated, but we aren’t anymore. Who she’s with is someone she’s been with for over a year. But I’m okay that we aren’t a thing. But I’m scared I’m never going to be in another relationship. I’m scared nobody is going to want to date someone like me. I’m trans, and I’m ace. 

I’ve had problems with relationships in the past because I’m transgender, but I never thought that would matter when it affected relationships. The biggest thing that affects relationships is that I’m asexual. I’m 17 years old, everyone my age that I know is obsessed with sex, and most of the people I know have people to have that activity with. And it isn’t that I’m jealous of that, I’m definitely not, sex grosses me out, but who is going to love someone like me when they can’t have their sexual needs met?

The last two relationships I was in were kind of bad. Both of them liked doing stuff I didn’t like doing, and I ended up being put in a lot of uncomfortable situations. One of the guys I was with was really into kissing, which was something I wasn’t into, but I felt like he would break up with me or something if I didn’t, so I did it for him. The relationship didn’t last long. The relationship after that was pretty bad. The guy was really horny and wanted so much from me, I refused to give him anything he wanted. I let him kiss me, for the same reason I did with the last relationship, but he wanted more. One day he did something I was highly not comfortable with, and when I told him he didn’t care, and continued to be an ass, and I broke up with him. 

It wasn’t like that with the girl I’m in love with. But I feel like it will be like that for everyone else. I’m scared nothing will ever change, I’m scared I’ll always be single and I’ll always be lonely and nothing will ever change. I don’t know why I want somebody so badly, but maybe because my friends don’t keep me from getting lonely, I’ve become lonely in other ways.

I’m just so lonely. I just need people to talk to, I guess. I guess that’s probably why I started doing this, hoping I could make some friends somehow. I’m going to stop before I continue. I don’t talk much in real life, about anything, so I guess I just ended up ranting here.

Ever since I was younger I knew I was different, I wasn’t stupid. Actually, I’m a genius, not that my SAT score would tell you that. It was just kind of obvious. Everyone thought I was just a tomboy. I got all my older brothers clothes, not because I didn’t have my own, just when they didn’t fit I made it clear I wanted them. I was like a stereotypical boy kid most of the time, and when I was eight I cut my hair extremely short, I’m not even sure I had two inches on my head.

I remember when I was ten and I just knew. I didn’t know the word transgender, I didn’t know any LGBT terms (tho I knew I liked boys and girls, and when I was 11 and found out about pan and there was more than male and female, I started to identify myself with that, not that I told many people). I remember going to my mom when I was ten and saying I wanted to be a boy. She ignored that.

A year later when I was 11 I went to her and told her again, I wanted to be a boy. Once again, kind of ignored. The next year, I was 12. I told her, AGAIN, I wanted to be a boy. She said if I really wanted to be a boy I would have said something in the past, but I had. Several times. 

I’ve gone to three different middle schools, we moved a lot because mother couldn’t keep a house. Other things were way more important (which I won’t get into now). So the first middle school I went to, in 7th grade I had someone I was friends with in 6th grade, and he came out as a transgender male. Turns out he wasn’t the only trans kid in school. To my knowledge, there were two others (that were out at that time, at least). It was in 7th grade I learned about what it was to be transgender, and I realized there was a word for what I was. I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t the only person that felt like that.

So one night I got on my moms phone (I didn’t have my own so when I wanted to talk to my friends I used my moms phone) and texted all of my friends, called a few of them because they didn’t like to text, and came out to them as a transgender male. All were supportive, but to this day all of them but one are queer, but the one that isn’t queer (which I’m still great friends with) still accepts me. We’ve never really talked about it, any of it, but we don’t need to. Whether or not I’m trans didn’t bother him and it’s like nothing changed, except my name, pronouns, and how I presented myself.

The next day at school I told all of my teachers what I wanted to be called and told them about my pronouns. Mom told me when I was 12 I would have said something beforehand, well I did, and now whether or not she was okay with it I was going to come out. To everybody, except for my family (not including my oldest younger sister, I told her before anyone).

About a week later one of my friends had texted me “hey Caleb” and my mom had the phone. So my mom came to me and asked me about it, so I wrote a letter to her, and I made her send it to my Dad. They were both fine with it. I live with my Dad now, he’s extremely supportive. It’s harder for the schools to descriminate against me now, because if he hears of staff doing something wrong, he gets involved.

I haven’t legally changed my name yet, they don’t want me to until I’m 18 (I’ll be honest about my age, I’m 17, will be 18 in less than five months), and obviously I haven’t started hormones or anything either. 

I know I've posted in the past, I've posted a few of other peoples stuff, and I've posted like... two of my poems. But I feel the need for some sort of introduction because I think I want to start actually posting here most chances I get, hopefully once a day, even though I can't imagine a single person caring.

I'm FTM (female-to-male) transgender. I'm panromantic, and asexual. So, pretty much I'm queer, that's what I'm trying to say. There's a lot of stuff I'll want to discuss or talk about and maybe facebook would have been a better place, except this is tumblr and I have family and loads of others on facebook.

As for interests, I really like to read. I read a lot. Usually five physical books each two weeks, because I used to think that would be enough considering everything I have to do in my life and yknow, TIME, but Usually they barely last me a week. Today is Tuesday and I'm done with two books. The first week just started. Raising that number up to seven!

Posting it here because where else do I post my trans shit?

A. Burr: That depends, who's asking?

A. Hamilton:

Harry Potter scenes that should NOT have been cut - Deleted Scenes

Angel Dust, pointing: May I sit there?

Alastor: That's my lap