⟪ ᴼᴺᴵ ⁻⁻⁻ ᴰᴱᴹᴼᴺ ᴳᴵᴿᴸ ;

ah so you think i should just straight up ask him how he feels about me ? i guess that would make things a lot easier tbh … bc if he says he doesn’t like me in that way then we can just go on with our friendship and if he says he does i can back the fuck up bc i don’t want to fuck with his relationship (especially when i just broke up with a bf that cheated on me)

thank you for reminding me that it’s way too soon for me to make any real decisions and if i do , i can’t really do it without understanding the whole situation .

so i’m at this month long classical music thing , right ? well i’m here with this korean guy from my violin studio at school and while we were always friendly with each other , we never really talked because we had a MASSIVE language barrier . he was born and raised in korea so he can’t really speak english , and since i was brought up here i’m not very good at korean . but my family lives in korea , and while i was visiting over the summer i practiced and learned a lot . 

so we’re at this music thing together and since i don’t have many friends here at first i stick with him a lot of the time . i literally spend every single day with this guy , going to rehearsals and eating meals with him and hanging out with him at night . we aren’t alone ever , and we’re always with other people but somehow we always end up sitting either next to or across from each other . it’s gotten to the point where i once actively sat away from him at a hang and he told me to come sit next to him instead ( in an inviting way , not in like a come here bitch kinda way he’s SUPER nice i swear ) . i find myself gradually more and more attracted to him , and i never really noticed his appearances that much before but i think he’s SO handsome . i definitely do have feelings for him at this point , and i love spending time with him . 

here’s the thing though : he has a girlfriend of a year and a half . they’re long distance , and i don’t know her personally or anything . i know nothing about their relationship , but i do know that they’ve been having problems . he told me that they’re serious issues and he doesn’t know whether or not he can fix them , but then i saw them skyping the other day and they seemed ok ?? but he’s also been really down lately again so i really can’t tell what’s happening . they may or may not break up , but as someone who broke up with my long term boyfriend just 2 and a half weeks ago after he had cheated on me , i know i don’t want to do anything with him until i am SURE the relationship is over . 

i’m also just confused in general as to how he feels about me . he’s 6 years older than i am , and he’s from korea and i know the culture there is different from what i grew up with . he once came with me to get ice cream at 10:30pm and bought it for me even though i’m the one who asked him to come with me bc it was late ? there was another time i was buying snacks and i realized i had forgotten my wallet and he bought it for me and told me not to worry about it . and then a few days later he texted me and asked me if i wanted to cook with him and some other people and we split a steak he had bought and told me not to pay him ??? idk if this is just a korean senior / junior thing or if it’s something more bc i know korean seniors will buy their juniors food all the time ??? but boyfriends also do that for girlfriends in korea very regularly so i’m ???? 

we also had a weird drunken night where we talked about our ideal types and whatever bc korean people like to do that apparently ?? and when people asked he said he thought that i was the prettiest person at the festival and when someone said “ yeah she’s beautiful “ he agreed and he felt so awkward and was like “ i don’t want to make this weird ” and i think that’s when i acknowledged to myself that i was actually into him . 

so then later on we had a weird moment while smoking together outside , alone . this was not my proudest moment , and i definitely feel pretty shitty about this . i was really really drunk and emotionally vulnerable bc my ex was freaking out at me over text and i really shouldn’t have done this . we had rarely made physical contact , and it usually consisted of me brushing raindrops off his arm while we were sharing an umbrella or hitting his shoulder lightly while laughing . he always seemed okay with being really close to me physically , which i’m pretty sure isn’t the case for most koreans ?? in any case we were talking about tae kwon do , which we both used to do , and he demonstrated this technique where if someone tries to hit you , you can grab them by the wrist and pull them down with their own weight . so basically he demonstrated it on me ( minus the flipping me over on the pavement and knocking me out part ) by gripping my wrist and pulling me forward towards him and our faces were SO close . this was straight out of a fucking kdrama i sWEAR TO GOD because it is SO cheesy . he did this to me twice , and both times i got REALLY flustered and ended up walking around in circles bc i felt so shy . i wanted to kiss him sO badly and i know i would have if he didn’t have a girlfriend . later , we were looking out at the woods , and i stepped backwards so that i as positioned in front of him with my head around his right shoulder . we were SO close to touching , and it took everything i had to not lean against him right then .