toughts I have

Lately I cried for over 1,5h straight. I couldn’t stop because this is a problem I cannot solve and I’m feeling helpless.

On the other side i feel bad because there are so much people that aren’t as lucky as me. And I’m really sorry for everybody.

Still.. hoping this doesn’t drag me down too much.

Please everybody: Stay safe, stay as positive as you can and some day we appreciate each other’s company even more.

Now this is like.. 7 years ago or so. No contact at all. I’m in a lucky relationship.

Soo.. Why the fuck do I dream of him as a flirt every now and then?

Can someone explain me this bullshit?

Why do I do that?

I'm tired. So tired.

But I stay awake. Every day, I choose to stay awake.

And sometimes I don't understand why.

So many things that make me tired.

But when I think about it, it's the little moments that keep me awake.

Things like lying on the couch with my boyfriend for half an hour and cuddling, seeing my father smile when I tell him something funny, hearing from my sister that I'm great, getting a sincere "I love you" from close friends...

The problem is the time between those moments.

The bigger the gap, the more tired I get.

And if something happens in that time that tugs at my nerves, keeps me busy and sad, it doesn't matter how small the gap is since something kept me awake so nicely. It puts me into a half-sleep. Daydream.

And then just one thing saves me.

The thought of who would be sad I'd miss dates with them because I'd sleep through it.

I want to sleep. I love daydreaming, it's almost like sleeping, only with waking up.

I'll wake up as often as I can. If only because I can't stand the thought of making someone sad. I want to please everybody, no matter how tired I am.

What are you good in? What makes you special? I don’t know. I know nothing I’m really good in. There are some things I like to do, but I’m not really good in it.

How do I find out what I’m good in or how do I not care about I’m not that special?

Do I have to find something I’m good in or what makes me special to find happiness? Or do I have to learn to not give a fuck?

I’m drowning in these thoughts.

Who am I if I can't define myself? If I find nothing to define me?