i dont have think

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Jungkook

Summary: What if you had to lie to protect someone you loved?

Word Count: 2.8K

Warnings: angst, mild crying/hyperventilating

A/N: first fic posted here so feel free to leave any feedback aight thank youu

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Things had been hard recently, from the extra shifts at work to the growing tension between Jungkook and the other members of BTS. With BTS’ sudden spike in popularity, it made it all just even more stressful. Neither of them would tell you that it was all because of you since they all cared deeply about you, but you could see it on the looks they would throw Jungkook’s way and the rising tension in the room whenever you entered.

 You and Jungkook had been together since high school and all of them had been supportive of your relationship. You remember how they all used to tease Jungkook about how shy and adorable he would get in your presence or how he would go out of his way to make you laugh on your bad days. You guys would do everything together, from watching bad movies after their dance practice to suffering while eating one of Namjoon’s meals. After some time, they became more than just some friends you would hang out with, they became your second family.

 That’s why it felt so weird when some months ago everyone had suddenly distanced themselves from you. The few times you would hang out with the boys they would be quiet and stiff, constantly throwing glances to each other while awkwardly just sitting in silence. The smiles and hugs they used to give you when you saw each other had been reduced to awkward smiles as they held their distance. It was like someone had flicked a switch and made them forget about all the moments and memories you shared with them.

 You questioned Jungkook about it but every time you asked, he tried to change the subject and the few times he would give in and acknowledge your worries, he would tell you not to worry, that it will all go back to normal soon and that they don’t mean anything bad. You wanted to believe him since you missed the good times you had with all of them, but it really didn’t seem like the end of all of this was in sight. Still, you choose to trust in him that things would eventually go back to normal.

 You shouldn’t have been surprised when you heard shouting coming from their dance studio while walking up the stairs, but this sounded like something more serious than the occasional small fights they would have over their choreography. You knew it was rude to listen in but being tired from work and just wanting answers to all the tension between them all you sat down with your ear to the door, trying to hear what was going on.

“Jungkookie, please calm down.” You heard Jimin say.

“No! I’m tired of it, of all of this. Why can’t everything remain normal? Why do we have to change to make them happy?” Jungkook shouted. You have heard him get mad in the past, but he would never yell this loudly. It was like all his feelings had been piled up for ages and they were finally running wild in one giant outburst.

“This is how things always have been. You constantly must change yourself to what the media wants to not risk getting thrown in the trash again.” Yoongi said. Given he was right, but what would they need to change? And who wanted them to change?

“Jungkook, I know it’s hard, but you have heard it yourself at the meetings with the managers. They aren’t happy about your relationship with Y/N since they want us all to be single to the public eye. I’ve tried arguing with them about it, how it will only make it worse rather than good trying to push you two to break up but...” Namjoon cut his sentence short, his sadness bleeding through his words. Your heart sank, all the tension and meetings they have had to have with their company was because of you? Because you simply existed?

“You know we really do care and love Y/N-“ Taehyung started.

“Is that why you have been treating her so cold? Cause you care about her?” Jungkook snapped back, you didn’t think he noticed their cold remarks as much as you did but you were clearly wrong.

“We are acting according to what the managers instructed us to do. They thought that if we all rejected her you would to, none of us like this but with the growing tension between the higherups we have no choice but to follow what they tell us. We have no idea on what they are planning to do to any of us.” Jin said and you swear you could hear a hint of fear in his voice. It sent shivers down your spine. Jin never used to really care or listen to the company but by the way he sounded right now really made you realize how serious this is.

“I just want to be with who I want to be with, I won’t leave her! I’d rather quit and give this whole career up!” Jungkook was now crying while shouting and it broke your heart even more, you hadn’t even noticed until now, but tears were forming in your eyes to.

“I’ll quit.. If they try to push this anymore than they already have then I will walk away..” His voice got quieter with every word he spoke. You could hear that he was dead serious about all of this. You brought up a hand to your face to try and muffle your small cries. It would be insanity to throw everything he had worked so hard for away.

“It won’t go that far, they will stop if we just tell them firmly, right?” Jimin said, unsure but hopefully at the same time.

“It will have to because all of this is becoming too much, too much pain and emotional stress for us to deal with while trying to balance all the work we have to do as well, especially for Jungkook.” Hoseok was quiet for a moment before continuing. “It was wrong for us to follow what they said. None of us should be forced to change to please someone else.”

“Yeah, at the next meeting we will tell them straight up how we feel about all of this. You won’t have to give her up.” Namjoon said.

“We all support you in this. We just want you to be happy and we will support and follow you no matter what decision you make, Jungkookie.” Taehyung followed up.

 You couldn’t take listening to all of this anymore. You got up quickly and ran down the stairs, almost tripping over your own feet in your rush, into the cold air of the night. Why couldn’t the damn company and managers leave you alone? Would it really be that bad if it got out that you two were in a relationship? You shook your head to yourself as you softly cried while walking to your shared apartment. Would Jungkook really walk away from it all for you? What right did you have to deprive him from his career? All these thoughts were swirling around in your head so much it was starting to give you a headache. You had no idea what to do but you knew you couldn’t just watch him destroy his career for you.

 By the time you reached the apartment, your tears had dried up and you just felt empty. The trip you made down to their studio was meant to surprise them all, in hopes that they would maybe have reacted like they did long ago. You had imagined yourself dancing to their songs with them and hopelessly failing the choreography while they laughed and danced along. You took of your shoes and jacket while looking at your phone, Jungkook was meant to come home in 2 hours, after his practice had finished. You sat down on the couch with your head in your hands, the headache from earlier sitting in. With a heavy sigh, you knew what you had to do. With your mind being clouded by endless emotions you weren’t sure if you were thinking clearly anymore, but you knew you couldn’t sit idly by.

 Around 2 hours passed, and you were still sitting in the same spot, looking out the window. The gloomy weather reflecting how you felt in that moment. Suddenly, .he door handle rustled, and you looked over. Jungkook stepped inside, giving you a warm smile as he took of his jacket and shoes. How you were going to miss that smile.

“Sorry for being a bit late, Jimin wanted to try this new move and-“

“We need to talk.” You told him. You watched as his smile faded away into a look of concerned as he sat next to you.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Jungkook said, anxiety visible in his eyes.

“No no, nothing happened. We just... I need to tell you something.” You took a deep breath, how on earth were you going to do this? Jungkook took your hands into his as he slowly nodded, trying to meet your adverting gaze.

“I… This thing… Us… It just doesn’t work anymore, I’m sorry.” You said quietly, every word cutting deeper into your heart.

“W-what? What do you mean?” He quickly blurted out. He held your hands tighter as if you were going to slip away any second.

“I can’t do this, Jungkook. This relationship can’t continue.” You pulled away from his hands and stood up. You walked over to the window, trying to desperately look anywhere but at Jungkook’s eyes. Yours were already starting to fill up with tears which you tried to furiously blink away, you could only imagine how Jungkook looked right now.

“But why? Have I done something wrong? Please don’t do this, just tell me what to do to fix it! Please Y/N... I won’t give you up, I never will..” You could hear his voice break and you now knew that his eyes were as filled with tears as yours. Jungkook stood up and walked over to you, reaching out. You wish you could just embrace him. To tell him it was all just a cruel joke and that you don’t want any of this. But it would be even crueler for you to knowingly force him to throw away his dream and everything he has worked for so far, you couldn’t risk him losing everything… Little did you know that you were his everything.

“No! I can’t do this anymore, I can’t continue to lie, Jungkook.” You turned around to face him, it took everything in you to not break down on the spot. His eyes were red and filled with tears. He looked so tired and broken, but it would hurt less if you ended it rather than him ending his career, right?

“Lie?..” Jungkook’s voice was low and quiet, he was so afraid of what you were going to say. Why were you suddenly doing this? You two had known each other for so long, it was almost the perfect love story. Why would you throw all of that away? Had it all been a lie?

“I don’t love you, I never did. I thought I could but.. I can’t, Jungkook, I’m sorry.” You looked into his eyes and you could see his whole world fall apart. Your own heart had shattered into what felt like a million pieces, you weren’t sure if you would ever recover from this. You kept looking into his eyes as tears fell from yours, hoping that he wouldn’t be able to see right through you, to see how equally hurt you were by your own words. Jungkook swallowed hard and took a sharp breath. He turned around and practically ran out of the apartment. You could hear him very quietly say to himself that it wasn’t true, as he hurried out and slammed the door behind him. As soon as the door closed, you fell to the ground clutching at your chest. Your heart was beating so fast while at the same time hurting like hell. You could not stop crying nor hyperventilating no matter how hard you tried. This is the best way, you are doing the right thing. You just need to keep telling yourself that. You are going to be okay, Jungkook is going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.

 After some time had passed and you were finally able to calm down a bit, at least enough to be able to breath and think somewhat clearly, you took a deep breath and stood up. You were pretty sure Jungkook wouldn’t be back tonight, if he would even be back in the coming days, you truly didn’t know. Your legs and heart felt heavier than usual, but that’s understandable. You slowly made your way over to your shared bedroom. The apartment wasn’t very big, but it never bothered you two. It was big enough to fit all the essentials and Jungkook always used to say that the most important part was just being together. You picked up one of your bags from under the bed and filled it with all your clothes and essentials. It was hard to ignore the wall you had above your bed, which was filled with pictures of you and all the boys together, but mostly you and Jungkook. It was pictures all the way from your high school days to recent times. You two looked so happy, Jungkook looked so happy... Why did the world have to be so cruel? You looked away before all the tears and sadness could fully swallow you again. You knew this was the right thing to do but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Before Jungkook had come home, you had asked and made sure that you could stay with a friend for a while. You had to keep your distance and not allow any room for yourself to break and tell him how you really felt, you had to make sure you stay away.

 After coming back and filling the bag with everything you needed from the bathroom and living room, you found yourself standing before the wall of pictures again. Before really thinking it through, you took down your favorite picture of you two together. It was a picture you took of each other at a little noodle shop near your apartment. You always went there when you both got cravings for noodles at 3am or just needed some fresh air. That particular day was after a hard week of practice for him and a long work week with extra shifts for you, you hadn’t been able to really talk to each other much at all for the whole week so you two just decided to go out and eat together like you had done in the past. It brought you a lot of comfort even if you didn’t really talk about anything special, it was enough to just be there with him. In the picture you could see how tired both of you were but at the same time just how happy you were, it was like you both had everything you could ever ask for in the world. You quickly stuffed the picture in the bag before you could become too sentimental.

 You threw the bag over your shoulder, silver lining of not owning a lot of things.  You looked around the apartment as you slowly made your way to the front door, taking each view of it in because you knew there would be little chance of you returning here if you could help it. As you walked outside and locked the door, you looked down at your necklace. You hadn’t even realized you were still wearing it. It was the necklace Jungkook got you on your first anniversary. On its own it wasn’t much, it was half a heart but when put together with the other half, his necklace, it would form a whole heart. He had said that’s how you made him feel, like he belonged, like he was finally whole. You know you shouldn’t keep it, but you couldn’t ever imagine yourself getting rid of it. The necklace meant so much to you. You tuck it under your hoodie as you lock the door and start to move down the stairs, you intended to stop by the company to leave the keys before you go over and stay at your friend’s place. Stepping out of the apartment complex, the cold nights air hits you, the weather gradually getting worse but not enough for it to rain yet. You start to slowly walk, each step feeling heavy. All the events of tonight came back fresh into your mind. All you ever wanted was for Jungkook to be happy, you wanted the world and more for him and if you had to sacrifice your own happiness for it, then so be it.

  You really hope you made the right decision.

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