good sis

and people can have mental health issues and don’t always wanna be horny!

bc yes, ellies rage came from seeing joel get his head bashed in, but a big part of it also stemmed from the fact that after resenting him and distancing herself from him for so long, she finally decided to try to forgive him and reconnect, and he died before she could do that. when ppl say "ellie needed closure" it doesnt mean "ellie needed to avenge joel" it means "ellie needed to forgive joel, make peace with the fact he lied and took her choice away, and learn to live for herself instead of for some grand purpose." chasing after abby & crew was definitely partly to avenge joel, but partly it was also anger at taking that first step towards reconciliation and having it ripped away from her.

and the thing about avenging joel is, deep down she probably didnt really explicitly want it. she says "if it were you or me joel would be halfway to seattle already" and "so they just get to get away with this?" and the general vibe i got throughout the game was that thats just what she thinks shes supposed to do. its an obligation, if someone kills your loved one you avenge them and thats that, otherwise its a disservice to the loved one. and we keep seeing that in the game, she just wants abbys location from nora and only takes her out after nora taunts her, and breaks down afterwards. mel and owen? she so desperately just wants information and is visibly scared and uncomfortable and not wanting to do this, and when she kills them its in self sefense and she breaks down again.

and then shes at the farm, having it all, but still not happy. still has ptsd, still gets flashbacks, still gets panic attacks. obviously its because she didnt finish it, right? obviously killing abby would make all her trauma go away, right? so of course when fucking tommy shows up and eggs her on, she goes. "i HAVE to finish it." theres that sense of obligation again

and its not until theyre on that beach, when shes so desperate for what she thinks is closure she threatens to kill an unconscious child, when she almost kills abby who clearly doesnt wanna fight her, that she realizes this isnt giving her the catharsis she wanted. theres no satisfaction, no feeling of a weight lifting from her shoulders, no certainty that this will make it better, shes just sobbing while choking a woman whos so weak she can barely fight back. THATS why the flasback she gets is not joel with his head open, its him on his porch with his guitar. bc it was never really about avenging his death, it was about forgiving him for what hes done and loving him anyway, even if she had to do it after hes already dead. and him peaceful on his porch is how she wants to remember him, not the gruesome scene she walked into in that house.

(i definitely think seeing abby completely dismiss ellie and immediately check on lev was another layer in her decision. at the point when she realizes its not about revenge, she also realizes she would do to lev what abby did to her, and shes a good fucking person and doesnt want that)

thats why that moment is so big. if she clung to her anger without knowing where its coming from and just mercilessly killed abby, would she have that same realization? would she see that abby was just a convenient target for her frustrated feelings about joel? or would she go back, still traumatized, and not understand why she didnt get closure? why she doesnt feel like she can move on?