반짝이는 별빛들

i know i've "just come back" for about the fourth time or so since i've made this blog, but i've decided to close jisvnq for a few reasons.

i don't have enough time to write as much as i'd like to. i'm always occupied with either my responsiblities as a student to study and pass all my requirements (even though my parents said they don't care about my grades anymore, i feel really bad for the teachers who are probably having a realy hard time coping like this as well...) or my responsibilities as the eldest child to take care of the house and my siblings while my parents are gone. so even if i don't need to study, i'll have to help take care of my siblings' and the house. i'm always doing something that i have trouble finding time for myself too.

i've bitten off more than i could chew. opening my requests, i had only expected a few like 5-10 of them to come in since i only write for one specific member in the way i'd like to portray him as a character to fit into the plot i've written for the stories i think of. i definitely didn't expect nearly 40. i could've closed them, but i felt obliged to keep them coming in since i have never opened my requests before and didn't think of doing it again any time soon. but i overestimated the time and mental capacity i had to think up of and properly write stories that would properly satisfy the requester's standards, which were sometimes not quite what i would usually write, making me feel quite overwhelmed in turn.

i felt obliged to write for others. it became sort of a job to me than a hobby, since i began writing constantly even if i barely had any time. and i what i was writing sometimes ended up not what i'd like to write, which in turn makes my writing feel half-assed, and makes me feel sorry for the requester for not being able to give them the best and angry at myself for the same reason. it began writing and posting works here for myself, just in case anyone else wanted to see it to cheer them up. writing for others had me feeling more tired than i liked to admit.

i've thought of this for a while now. from the moment shit began going down the drain irl, i thought about deleting the blog spontaneously just because i felt like... shit. but i didn't want anyone to be affected by my bad mood, since i know everyone has those times, so i just wanted to delete this blog so i couldn't accidentally lash out on any of the sweet and innocent people here. but i stopped myself from doing it after remembering all of the wonderful messages sent to me about my works or just my blog in general being able to cheer them up. i didn't want to add the sudden disappearance of my blog to anyone's problems.

but now, i guess, though i still love writing, i still love jisung, and i still love writing for jisung- despite not being able to upload a lot of it ;; i've come to the decision that i'm closing my blog. i'm not gonna be deleting it, though. i'm way too attatched to this to just do that. i'm just gonna be keeping it as an archive, i guess. an archive of all the things i've done and all the things i haven't, of all the friends i've made and all the friends i've lost, of all the things i've learned and all the things i have yet to keep in mind, and of all the precious memories i've been able to create on this little tumblr blog of mine.

to everyone who i've met or talked to or interacted with at least once here, thank you so much for everything. i am grateful for every single little thing or interaction with you with every single fiber of my body. my memory isn't perfect, so i surely won't remember everything, but you've already made a difference in my life just with a single word or meeting. you'll all probably forget me at some point in the future, but it's alright !! people come and go, and i'm just one tiny being from the 7.7 billion people in this world, leaving our next meeting totally up to fate :)

and to everyone who's been following me this whole time, whether it would be for my works, or whether it would be for me, whether you've followed me since the beginning, or if you've only just did a few moments ago, thank you for showing these works of mine some love and thank you for simply putting in the effort to follow me <3 you're all such sweethearts and i'll always be wishing for your happiness.

i love each and every one of you, and please do remember that. i just feel really sorry that i haven't been able to do much here and i'm hoping to learn from it and do better in the future.

i'm gonna be answering all my the asks piled up in my inbox right now and i'll be staying logged in here for another week plus i might also spontaneously pop by for the rest of the month jic anyone wants to catch me back here before i totally leave.

please take care of yourselves, eat properly, drink enough water, rest well, and please smile today because i love you <3

with much love and regret,

z , logging off : 2021/03/09 00:30 philippine standard time

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