grabs you.

They spend the next six months whipping him into streamer shape, but it's slow going and he's frustrated with the lack of privacy it affords him, and the noticeable mentions of his wife (ex-wife now) in chat. He still hasn't announced his divorce, and maybe he won't ever. Maybe he's still taking his time to process it. But all the while he's staying up until 3am just to talk to Gem for a little longer before she crawls into bed. He's texting her all throughout the day, not just DMing her on discord. He sends he a care package from the UK with some snacks he knows she enjoys, and she wonders, is this just friendly behaviour? Or is it something more?

And then they get to San Diego. And she tells herself the entire flight over that she's gonna be cool. She's Cool Girl. Except, the moment she sees him in the hotel lobby she's tripping over herself to get a hug, even though it's late and she's exhausted. He says "you're coming to the zoo in the morning, right?" and how can she say no?

The spend the morning at the zoo, the afternoon stuck in an impromptu meet and greet, and then have dinner with the rest of the gang in the evening. The second day is full of meet and greets, and she's so socially maxed out that she finds herself crawling into bed at 7pm (and also, it's almost midnight at home, so the jet lag is jet lagging). But Grian, who apparently bypassed his jet lag by sleeping on his 10hr flight over, is still wide awake, and calls her, asking to come over. She lets him in to her room, and just crawls back into bed, and he crawls up next to her on top of the covers, and they just talk. For hours. Until Gem is so tired she starts falling asleep mid-sentence, and Grian just smiles and tucks the covers in around her, and wishes her a good night. She's not sure if the kiss on the forehead is a dream or not. She barely hears him leaving.

The next day is MCC, which they win in a spectacular showdown, and if it weren't for the cameras she thinks he might have kissed her, high on adrenaline. Over the rest of the weekend they attend a party together, Gem watches Grian's football game, and then they travel out to La Jolla to stay for a few extra days with the rest of the Hermits. They sunbathe and make silly tiktoks and drink and eat, and flirt. Oh there's definitely flirting. And he's looking at her different, too, with a new softness. And sometimes, heat, so strong it makes her mouth dry. So, emboldened by a glass and a half of wine, she says "I don't wanna wait six months to see you again."

It's their last night in California. They're alone by the pool, there's some noisy card game going on inside. Grian, on a sun lounger, rolls over on his side to look at her.

"You can ski, right?" He asks.

In January, she finds herself in the French Alps. It's a struggle even to get there. Her first flight is cancelled, and she struggles to find a replacement flight. Luckily, she had originally planned an overnight in London, she just has to cancel her hotel room. But she gets to the chalet eventually, excited to see her friends, and Grian is there waiting to hug her with those arms she likes so much.

They're practically attached at the hip for the whole week, and Gem feels like she's moving through a dream. Spending the days together on the slopes, taking lunches together alone. Cosy evenings in the chalet by the fire. Grian looking soft and handsome in his knit sweaters — especially the one she'd picked out for him in San Diego.

She's in the kitchen early one morning, making coffee and keeping Lizzie company while she pumps. She's thinking about waking Grian, asking if he wants to grab a quiet breakfast together. They've only got a couple more days left before going their separate ways again. She'll see him in Seattle again, soon enough, but she wants to make the most of having him near, while she can.

Lizzie asks, "so what's going on with you two?" and Gem doesn't need her to clarify.

She shrugs. "I don't know. We're— I don't know."

"But you like each other," Lizzie says, attention drifting between Gem and Baby Bean in her rocker next to her.

"Well," Gem sighs, and decides there's no point denying anything. She hasn't exactly been subtle. "I like him. I don't know how he feels."

"Oh, he likes you," Lizzie says, likes it's obvious. And maybe it is. Gem smiles into her coffee.

"You think?"

Lizzie levels her with a look, like, are you kidding? and starts disconnecting her pumps, apparently finished for the morning.

"You don't think it's too soon, since the divorce?" Gem asks, and Lizzie shrugs a little, pursing her lips.

"It's coming up on a year since he signed, right? And as far as I know... It was over for a long time before that," she admits. "We've got a pool going, by the way. It'd be extremely beneficial to me and Joel if something happened before the end of the trip."

Gem laughs softly, with a note of disbelief.

"I want a cut," she says and Lizzie rolls her eyes.

"Your cut is that you get a boyfriend," she says, and Gem laughs, about to argue back when she hears footsteps on the stairs, and Grian steps into the kitchen, sleepy but smiling when he sees her. Still in a soft tee and pyjama pants. Looking adorable, in Gem's eyes. She wants to kiss him so badly.

"Morning, G," she says beaming at him.

"Hey," he says, stifling a yawn, eyes still sleepy behind his glasses, "Thought I heard your voice down here."

"Just chatting with Lizzie," Gem says, wondering if he'd heard any of their conversation. "Keeping her company."

Grian slides into the seat next to Gem, knocking his knee against hers.

"You wanna get food this morning?" He asks, and Gem grins.

"You must have read my mind. I was thinking about coming up to wake you."

"Must've," Grian agrees, with a soft laugh. "Woke up with the idea fully formed in my head. 'Breakfast. I must tell Gem.'"

She laughs, ignoring the face Lizzie pulls at them on the other side of the table, sickened by the flirting.

"That's fine guys, I can't go anyway. Have to wait for my lump of a husband to get out of bed and take the baby," she says, somehow still managing to sound fond while calling Joel a lump. Gem knows the feeling intimately.

Gem finishes her coffee and once she and Grian are both dressed for the day, they head out together for breakfast, leaving while most of their friends are still in bed. They have to ski a short distance to the nearest cafe, but there's fresh snow on the gentle slope, and Gem finds herself giggling when Grian tries to show off by skiing backwards in front of her. It's early enough that they get seated quickly at the cafe though, in a nice corner table where they sit adjacent, and Grian's knee finds hers again, while his hand rests on the table next to hers, and she thinks she's never going to have the courage to touch him the way she wants to. She needs him to make the first move. She needs him to want this as much as she does.

It's the second last night before they check out and head their separate ways, and Gem finds herself outside, watching the Brits play in the snow, tipsy and giggling and throwing snowballs. They tire themselves out quickly though, shivering in the cold, but as they all trudge back towards the chalet steps, Grian catches her arm, and pulls her back.

"Stay out with me a sec?" He asks, and she just nods, butterflies in her belly already. Jimmy throws them a double take when he's the last of their friends to head inside, asking if they're coming in, but Grian just waves him off, grabbing Gem's hand and pulling her out into the street.

"What are we doing?" She laughs, and Grian shrugs a little, like he doesn't know what he's doing.

"Just wanted more time outside," he says, "with you."

"It's cold," Gem complains, but she's smiling so hard there's no way he could take her seriously. Still, he unzips his ski-jacket, opening it wide and trying to wrap it around her too, and she giggles as he struggles to make the zipper meet around both of them, with her pressed close to his chest. He's warmer than her under all his layers, and she wraps her arms around his torso, under his coat but over his sweater, tucking her face into his neck. He sighs, giving up on zipping the coat around them, and just hugging her back, holding her close.

He smells like wet snow and the faintest hint of deodorant, but not much else, and she wonders if it's because he knows she can't handle strong scents like cologne or perfume. If it's for her sake, to keep her close.

"I love this sweater on you," she says.

"Thanks," he replies, a little breathy. And then, "my— my crush picked it out for me. So I like to wear it for her."

She feels the words rushing through her, her hands gripping the sweater at the small of his back, holding him. When she pulls back to look at him, he seems embarrassed, looking away, avoiding her eyes.

She could kiss him, but instead she says, "Do you remember our pact?" and watches as he wets his lips, and nods tightly. "Is that on again?"

He stares for a moment, looking at her mouth, pupils wide and black in the streetlight.

"When was it ever off?" He asks.

Gem, in lieu of an answer, just kisses him there in the street, as the snow begins to fall again around them. His nose is cold against her cheek, but his kiss is sweet and warm. As she breaks away, he sighs her name, and she just has to kiss him again, this time deep and intense and searching, his grip on her waist tight, pinning her body against his.

By the time they get back in the house, everyone has turned in for the night, so they creep up the stairs to Gem's room. The walls are too thin, the floor too creaky, the bed too squeaky to do anything of the things they want to do. But they lie in Gem's bed together, kissing, talking in hushed whispers, until they fall asleep there pressed as close as possible. And Gem thinks that when she's home again, alone in her own bed, this will be the memory that keeps her warm.

Waiting for the yearly charity event to roll around are the longest ten weeks of Gem's life. They spend almost every night on the phone but that's nothing new. What's new is the sudden heat in Grian's voice when he's telling her that he misses her, that he wishes she was there with him. Wishes he could see her, could touch her— and wants more than just to touch her.

And then, the shyness, the hesitancy when he asks her if she wants to share a hotel room in Seattle this year.

"I could pull some strings," he says, "get us something nice."

She laughs, telling him not to be cheeky, that Mojang are paying for the room and they shouldn't push.

He says, "I'm not hearing a 'no,' on the sharing, though," and she knows she's in deep trouble.

It's lucky there are no cameras around when they see each other again, in the hotel lobby. Gem practically jumps into his arms with a giggle, and he drops his bag and swings her around with the momentum, like something straight out of a Hollywood movie. They kiss right there in front of their friends, even the ones they haven't told yet, but if there's talk they don't hear it, too wrapped up to notice.

There are some mild, teasing comments over dinner that evening, but it's all positive, and Gem feels like she's on cloud nine, surrounded by her friends, the man she loves next to her looking at her like she's the best thing he's ever seen.

They're both exhausted that night, crawling into their shared bed, first time cuddling in something bigger than a twin. She doesn't want to waste this time with him, but she finds herself tired and achy, and he kisses her shoulder and tells her "We've got plenty of time. Sleep. I love you," and it's the first time he's said that. He says it again, the next morning, before the sun has even risen and he's heavy on top of her, her legs wrapped around his waist as he rocks into her hard and deep. God, I love you. He presses his forehead to hers, their fingers entwined above her head. She's never had a first time like this, where it feels like she's about to fall apart, and he's the only thing holding her together. She comes with him inside her, saying I love you too, oh fuck, oh, I love you, and he comes with her, burying his face in her neck with a groan.

It's like that all weekend. Long hours of work, then food, then friends, then fucking. And she's having the time of her life. She doesn't want it to end. But it does.

They wait in their room as long as they can before checking out, staying in bed, ordering room service for breakfast. Kissing, cuddling, fooling around on limited time. They don't talk about the pact, or that Gem's birthday — her 30th — is coming up, even though it feels like a ticking time-bomb now that they're actually together. Gem just wants to enjoy these last moments alone together. Eventually they have to get dressed and head out. Most of their friends are waiting in the lobby, drinking coffee, waiting out the last few hours until they need to leave for their flights home. Grian and Gem join them at their table, and there are a few pitying looks, but Gem shakes them off with a smile, and Grian says "next TwitchCon is right around the corner."

When her taxi comes, he kisses her goodbye on the pavement. It's just like last year, except different in every way. Yeah, they're going their separate ways, but it's different this time. He kisses the back of her hand through the open window of the car, just before it drives off, and she wonders if it's intentional, his lips against her ring finger. When he disappears from view, she doesn't feel the crushing loss she expects, just excitement for everything yet to come. No empty pit in her stomach, no wondering when she'll get to see him again.

She'll see him soon enough, in Rotterdam.