x4sunburst @x4sunburst - Tumblr Blog

blog intro!

hi, this is a pretty empty blog im going to just use to try express how my brain works with this sort of stuff through simple little doodles. im in my 20s, any pronouns are fine

i dont care about any kind of discourse dont bring that stuff here

#blog intro #questioning system #🛳btws #✨️ctlg #🐦‍⬛...#🦋wyrm #median system #plural comic #🐦‍⬛hope

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i never think my memory is all that bad and then i reread old messages and there will be something of me crying to a loved one about some abhorrent shit my mother did that i had entirely forgot. "oh i don't really have memory problems i think often about the worst things." surprise! there is more!

#i especially don't remember much unpleasant from her when i was a younger child.#but a lot of my issues that i do remember still struggling with as a child #are things i am now able to look at and identify as coming from how my mother treats me.#i don't know. maybe it's more unrealistic to think she did that intense a 180 when i turned 11 #than to just believe she was still bad to me and i can't remember it.

trying to think of new names to use here... i don't really just want to use colours, though that seems to be the standard. sea, space, sky, sun perhaps? that's at least a little on theme for how everyone is represented here, and it does match.

#anyone who knows our names can continue to refer to us using them i suppose.#i would just be a little more comfortable using different names within any art.#sea being 🛳#space being ✨️#sky being 🦋#sun being 🐦‍⬛#i do like the idea of everyone's aliases matching with the letter “s”.#solar or song are other options for 🐦‍⬛ even if they would match a little less.#and scope isn't a bad suggestion for ✨️...#though i might just be happiest with how the original suggestions match together.

i think part of what may be making me nervous regarding this blog is that i feel very exposed, having used parts actual names and at least approximations of their sonas to represent them.

i am not out to anybody i know, these names and faces mean nothing to anybody other than me, but it still feels rather frightening. it may be easier for me to pick out aliases and make less... accurate designs to draw for them, if i intend to continue to do so.

#i didn't anticipate that so many people would see my posts here. it's a little overwhelming to think of being seen.#but thank you for any kind words and advice i have been given.#i have not been made to feel unsafe. this is a matter of my own anxiety.

i may just delete this account. i am tired and do not have the energy to draw at the moment. i do not want to let this be another thing i stress over when i intended for it to be cathartic.

#if it has not been clear from my recent posts.#i have not been doing particularly well.#it is not fair to spam this account with that when i am unable to keep up with what i made it for.#i am very sorry.

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wow my parents can yell at eachother outside of the context of a fight and it still makes me feel too scared to continue what i was doing huh.

#they were just yelling to be heard with one being downstairs and the other upstairs.#but hearing them shout makes my stomach drop.#hi sorry about my inactivity. it has been a busy and somewhat rough month.

frankly at this point i would rather she just openly hate me again.

#it's so difficult to feel anything other than guilt #at having a negative internal reaction to somebody behaving in a way #which is objectively kind and caring.#but oh i am so tired of being treated as a child.#I am so tired of getting all of this now.#i am so tired of everything and every time she expresses care it feels suffocating.#i was still infantalised quite a lot by her as a teenager but she was angry then as well.#why don't you hate me anymore.#it feels like she's trying to make up for lost time with her baby.#i'm not her baby and i don't know when i stopped being that but i can never be again.#i want her to stop.#i'm a horrible person for this. i shouldn't be upset that she's being kind.#i just wish she would maybe treat me like an adult and not a 10 year old.

sorry for the lack of art, and the recent more or less vent posting in its place. i am tired and do not have anywhere else to speak about much of this.

#i want to talk to somebody so badly and nobody wants to talk to me.#so onto the tumblr blog it goes i suppose.

there's something i want to express but everything i try to write or draw is far too clunky to get across what i want to.

#i feel used by almost everyone in my life up until this point. including very recently.#and i don't know what to do with myself when people don't want to use me.

i think a lot about simply vanishing for a period of time. to just entirely disappear from the world, and have everything move on without me. i want to stop existing for a short burst and come back feeling even a little bit well-rested. and maybe even come back to see that someone noticed i was gone, and maybe even missed me. that's one of my deepest darkest fantasies.

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these swings regarding art and creation are a bit intense don't you think.

#spent all of yesterday extremely excited and feeling good and having fun drawing and writing again.#and now even thinking about it makes me miserable.#can the me who likes to draw come back for a second please. i would really love to be them again.

do you have differing music tastes?

yes actually!

i usually like several different types of rock and pop, musicals, music based off of stories or games i enjoy. i tend to enjoy longer songs or ones that have some sort of clear narrative to them. lyrics would probably be the most important part of what makes songs stick out to me, i will generally listen to any genre if i like the lyrics!

wy enjoys a lot of older music, things my dad would play on car rides or i would listen to when i was little. anything that has a similar sound to that. he also enjoys slower-paced, calm or sad sounding music, love songs, and unprofessional covers- things like people singing in bars or recording singing in their bathrooms.

hope likes rock and metal most! she doesn't listen to much that's too slow-paced and prefers there to be a lot of overlapping noise. i'm unsure how to describe it clearly, but she also likes it when the vocals are a bit rougher or have a very emotional sound to them. she also likes rap a lot, a lot of it has a rhythm she finds very easy to listen to.

cat doesn't care about music as much. a lot of the time i need the background noise to get much done, but he doesn't really notice at all when there isn't anything playing. i'm not sure what his preference is, if anything.

of course these do all overlap, and there are songs which are outliers to each of these generalisation, these are just the broad categories things tend to fall into.

#🛳btws #✨️ctlg #🐦‍⬛hope #🦋wyrm #it's very strange how much music preferences seem to differ actually.#hope can't stand a lot of the music me or wy listen to. she's absolutely the most distinct with her preferences.#which is odd considering how difficult it is to distinguish her with almost everything else.#it's not that cat doesn't like music. he just doesn't care about it as much.#if it's already on he'll listen. if it's off he'll leave it off.#wy is the only one who has a playlist under his own name.#my playlist is just called “favourites” and hope's is “playlist 4".

i wonder if anyone can tell the difference between us. i struggle to know who i am most of the time myself, i wonder if anyone knows my little signs and tells that i can't pick up on my own.

#“i feel different than usual” is usually the extent of how i actively feel about it.#it's easier to look back and match up patterns of behaviour with parts. it's harder while i'm actively behaving that way.#because in the moment it always feels natural and like “me”. maybe not the same me. but always me.#and then looking back it doesn't feel like me anymore.#can anyone in my life tell when I'm not me?

i need to figure out what everyone's opinions on our art actually are. the things i'm proud of don't even feel a little bit like mine, even though i remember drawing them clearly. who did that and enjoyed it. can you come here more

#i'm suspecting that it might be cat #because i drew most of that with no music or background noise. and as far as i can tell he likes the quiet #or at least doesn't notice when there isn't any background noise.

cw: self-harm mention, unhealthy friendship dynamic.

hurt

#🛳btws #✨️ctlg #median system #plural comic #questioning system #this feels like a difficult situation to vent about without making the other person look bad.#i spent almost a full year with this person treating me as though i existed solely to keep their mental health afloat.#we never talked about anything but their struggles. they were miserable all the time.#i bought their food because they wouldn't eat. i struggled with group assignments because they wouldn't work.#if i messed up even a little they would break down and i would have to fix it.#we spoke about it and things are so much better. they are receiving help and aren't doing this to me anymore.#but after so long of that being the dynamic between us i'm still struggling to not feel on edge.#the other two in this friend group aren't aware of this situation and i'm unsure if it's fair to tell them.#i just can't feel comfortable alone with them anymore.#there are likely better ways to handle and think about this.#but i am unable to access any help for this outside of my own head. and so this will have to do.

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i miss speaking to people more, but i have very few friends who i can speak to all that often and meeting new people is difficult.

#a lot has been happening regarding my friendships lately which have caused that number to dwindle.#and those who are left are either far too busy to spend time together #or there is some other issue which makes it difficult to hang out.#i'm tired of being lonely all of the time.#being in discord servers used to be nice. shame large crowds of strangers make me ill.

oh wow every time i do anything with my family i am reminded that my mother views me as a very young child who is incapable of growth.

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