WTF Model Mayhem?

I want to be up front about the fact that I typically call out shitty photographers who are blowhards about their “skill” or “vast experience” when their images clearly show otherwise. In fairness I need to point out that Justin Cox Photography does not represent himself this way. In fact, it looks like he is active duty military, which I genuinely respect.

Sometimes you have to translate text to get to what is really meant. Meet Grey Tiger Photography from Toronto, America’s Hat.

“Making the transition from legal professional to photographer and website designer.“ Either this dude made a bunch of money as a lawyer and now just wants to take pictures of naked chicks, or he lost his law license due to some sort of malpractice. I’m going to guess the latter, because if he was dripping with cash he wouldn’t fill his portfolio with photos of one homely woman.

“I prefer to shoot naturally, with minimal makeup and staging, attempting to capture a subject's unique look, rather than trying to mold someone into my image of what they should look like.“ I think he means that he doesn’t understand lighting at all, and quite frankly doesn’t even know how to focus his camera. Based on the quality of the images I’m not even sure if he has a proper camera but might just be using an old Blackberry. 

As previously mentioned, I do love it when “photographers” on Model Mayhem feel the need to tell others about their many years of experience.

Says LarryNut, “I am a photographer with 50 years experience and one year of full time photography college. I have worked with digital, 35mm, medium format and view cameras. I mostly shoot scenics but would like to shoot some art nude bodyscapes and figure studies.”

I think I just have one question for Josh Z Johnson: why?

[If the genie let me ask one more question, it would be to ask why Model Mayhem allows this kind of horse shit to be hosted on their site.]

If you live in or will be visiting Toronto any time soon, be sure to avoid tonyjp. His portfolio is surprisingly not full of terrible nudes but he does list “erotic” as one of his genres so I’m guessing he just keep those photos to himself for when he needs to arouse “little Tony.”

What caught my attention about this fucking poser is how he titled the link to his Instagram page: World Class Ladies by Tony Peters. While I never want to disparage models--especially those so down on their luck that they have to pose for losers like Tony--they’re not exactly “world class.” Some are indeed cute...but the bigger problem is that his images of them are more like “neighborhood class.” Not exactly the best photography if get my drift.

(What I’m saying is that his images are dog shit, okay?)

Even more confusingly is that his World Class Ladies blog is also populated with random food pictures. WTF? All I can guess is that those are the meals he dosed with Rohypnol before feeding them to his models. I’m not implying that he raped his models, but rather that he was doing them the favor of blocking from memory the entire shoot so they wouldn’t have remember the abysmal experience that it is to work with him.

I’m wondering if Model Mayhem is really just a place where “opposite day” is every day, where fucktards like this are encouraged to write the exact opposite of what they really mean:

“Greatshotz is the culmination of artists and models dedicated to outstanding photo and video medium. Together, nature and form are captured in their prime moments. Our ongoing quest through the lens is to make timeless that which is fleeting and monuments from the momentary.”

First of all, being “opposite day” and all, you’d name yourself Greatshotz since you’ve never had a great ‘shot’ in your life. You’d continue the charade by writing a long bio that’s heavy on flourish but light on substance. Because what it really comes down to is that you are a no-talent ‘collective’ of douche bags that likes to take pictures of tits. Period. So why can’t you just come out and say so? 

“Telling stories through photography, narrative thematic emotional or just whimsy. powerful photos. I think more important than style is being aware of the literal nature of the image or its content.”

Oh, brother. “Powerful photos?” More like “appalling photos.”

This dude sucks.

And just to be clear, I didn’t crop the heads/faces off of the photos. This dicktard did it himself.

Bass Media has been on Mayhem for ten years. That’s the best he has to show for a decade of work. Douche.

“I'm hoping to connect with creative and enthusiastic models in the Northwest that can bring their own ideas to a collaborative process.

I also specialize in retouching and other post-f/x.“

Can you see it? My eyes are rolling into the back of my head as I react with disgust to this guy’s bio.

You “specialize” in retouching? Bwahahahahaha.

11 years on Mayhem for Rex Carter and these are the photos you choose to show off your retouching skills?

Just another poser that likes to take nudie pics. Ugh.

“ATTENTION RETOUCHERS! I have been using photoshop professionally for 25 years now, I don't need you, stop friending me

I am an accomplished scenic photographer as well as a computer consultant and consulting photographer. I still honing my skills with shooting models (mostly nude and fetish work) with a focus on 'adventure photography'. I love making images of the female form in beautiful or unusual settings or lighting. At this point I am working TF* and for the joy of creation as I don't sell this art. I am always willing to trade not only images we collaborate on, but specific images you need and consulting on your own photography and workflow skills. Collaboration should, by definition, benefit both parties. I am currently looking for collaborators to work on imagery that is a bit different than the usual studio work. My shoots usually involve going (hiking) somewhere beautiful or unusual. Goals for this year include shooting at places like Cape Kiwanda, in surreal ruins, and flash-painting in a huge cave. Note that if you don't do nude work, I will probably not be interested in working with you, but shoots we do for you do not have to be nude work.”

It takes a pretty gigantic set of huevos to claim you’ve been using Photoshop professionally for 25 years and offer ‘consulting’ services for photography...and then post these bullshit images in your portfolio. I also love the part about not working with models who don’t shoot nude. Because there it is. You’re just another GWC creeper with zero talent. 

My guess is that when he says he’s used Photoshop professionally “...for 25 years,” he means that he makes logos or some other shit like that. Clearly he wasn’t editing photos. I mean...look at his portfolio!

Just another creeper. Lightsmithy.

“I am an amatuer photographer and sometimes model who enjoys the opportunity to participate in the artistic process. I'm interested in working with artistic individuals.”

Fourteen years on Model Mayhem. Fourteen years of shooting naked chicks but usefulextra still hasn’t learned to take a decent photo. If you’re into blurry underexposed amateur porn, here’s your guy.

“I have been taking photos for several website for a number of years.  I normally only do work that has been contracted for by the website and is under their control.  Recently I have decided to build a portfolio and start taking photos for myself.  I am interested in photographing models who are will trade for time.  I have varied interests and would be willing to work with you if you to build up your portfolio and work on ideas you may have.“

I feel it important to clarify that I did not rotate those three photos; that’s actually how they appear in his portfolio on Model Mayhem! Not only does PDX Jeff excel in being an undeniably terrible shooter, he can’t even figure out how to post photos in the correct orientation. Of course he possesses all of the other characteristics of a terrible GWC perv like bad focus, bad lighting, and lots of nudity, but he also brings incompetence to the table.

Dickbags like Teddyybare are the prime reason why Model Mayhem needs to cull its membership roles. I don’t even need to explain why he sucks. The pictures speak for themselves. Twelve years on Mayhem. Ugh.

“If you want to bring an escort, I prefer that they be a female and willing to model in the categories that you are.  This allows me to shoot one while the other is changing, or to shoot both at the same time.”

That’s right, ladies, don’t bring a friend for your safety and comfort unless she, too, is willing to show her vagina for the most unflattering photos possible. The only way Teddyybare’s pictures could get worse is if you smeared human shit on the models.

Hold up. Just wait for one damn minute. Are you telling me that it’s possible for a single photographer to have blurry photos and nudes and terrible lighting all at the same time?

MGuy Photos delivers on all of those aspects...and more!

11 years on Mayhem and this is what he shows. Sigh. Add this guy to the list of posers that just keeps his MM account open so he can look at nudes while touching himself.

Seriously? Nine years on Model Mayhem and this is the best you’ve got?

“I'm fascinated by people, their expressions, their emotions, and the art of capturing these moments. I've mainly worked with actors and musicians, but have been looking to expand my portfolio with fresh and upcoming models. I do prefer to use natural light where possible, but my a studio in Portland OR. I travel extensively, and will shoot almost anywhere in North America... I can be reached at [email protected]”

BR Productions is yet another example of why Model Mayhem is the catch-all for perverts and creepers.

Other Realms presents us with a new category of Model Mayhem shit, namely “tacky photography.” There are plenty of bad shooters on MM, but most of those featured on this blog fall into the “creeper” category. But Rick Warren steers us into a genre that’s just plain bad.

Tacky.

☑️Blurry photos

☑️Poor composition

☑️Tits

Switchgrass Photo in Portland, Oregon has the GWC hat trick.

“Looking to work with models on artistic and fun projects, very open to suggestion and happy accidents.”

Artistic? Nope. 

Fun? Maybe. Who knows--maybe this guy is fun as shit to hang out with. But he sure as fuck doesn’t have any talent with a camera. Nope, just another dude masquerading as a photographer in order to hang out with naked chicks.

“Life is hard. Hate is all around us. Art is freedom. Artist is escapism. Kindness is not weakness. Come create art with me.“

Art? Where’s the art? I’m still waiting for the art. Maybe it’s because you’re not an artist. You’re just a GWC, MuseSex.