The In-between BS

There are so many moments, there’s so many times, and there’s so many situations where I questioned how it ended up where I am. It’s not guilt it’s not regret it’s curiosity. How was I so open to this change? How was I just ready? I’ll never know and I’ll never understand.

But I am happy; sad; stressed; exhausted; peaceful; happy.

Life is beautiful and forever changing.

I already have a hard time sleeping. My husband snores and throws his arms around while changes sides. but now we have our bundle of joy in our bed. We tried getting him to sleep in his crib and ultimately, he would end up in my arms or his dad's. We tried for the first 2 1/2 weeks after he was born. But with very little sleep myself and my husband going back to work co-sleeping is where we ended up.

I could care less if we are co-sleeping it's the greatest thing ever because we ALL get our sleep. I would rather check on him every time I switch sides instead of freaking out every 20 min because I can't hear him breathing. But what drives me insane is the fact that American doctors are so judgmental and HATE it when parents co-sleep. They are so worried about SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). So here are the guidelines they want everyone to use.

Baby on his back

alone in a crib or bassinet

in same room as parents for first 6 months

no loose sheets or blankets

First off, when laying on his back I've noticed an issue. The startle reflex. It's where his little limbs go flying out, his eyes are wide open, and it is usually followed by a scream. and guess what he is awake. Now I have tried swaddling, pretty much once we got home, he hated everything to do with a swaddle. So, we tried sleep sacks, still didn't work. Also, while on his back, if he spits up or drools a lot in his sleep, HE CHOKES ON IT. It is the most terrifying thing waking up to hear him choke on his own spit. Babies lived in the womb for 9 months. Which means they are used to closeness of mom. The warmth of a body and the passive white noise of breathing. So why would we deprive them of this once in the real world? Being in a crib by himself he is always unsure and uncomfortable, so he still doesn't sleep which means I don't sleep.

In other countries, with a LOWER rate of SIDS they prefer co sleeping. Because the mother/father is right there. If they baby chokes, stops breathing, startles, etc. the parent is able to soothe them or help them faster. There is study that a mother naturally will sleep lighter when the baby is close to them. The baby curls into the mother and the mother copies the same movement. So why in the US do we have these guidelines that I see has an increased percentage for SIDS.

I hope you’re proud of yourself.

I hope you’re happy.

That you beat down one of the only people who has been there.

But I’ve never really been there for you have I?

No I’ve just been a fucking puppet in your mind.

You’ve felt “bad” for me? Isn’t that the truth.

I’m just one of those people now.

You have no respect for my choices and never have.

I know that’s the truth.

You have no compassion. No empathy.

You can’t even be honest with yourself.

“It’s financial stress”.

No this is you being mean.

You want someone else to hurt besides yourself.

You want people to feel your pain.

You don’t want help. You want to drag others down with you.

It’s pathetic.

And yet it worked.

I’m over feeling this weight on my chest and hearing those words ring thru my ears.

But I can’t bring myself to tell you the truth.

Because why give you the satisfaction.

Even if I don’t say anything you would still win.

Because then you would know it worked either way.

So good job.

Hope you’re proud of the cards you dealt.

I am disgusted. I am hurt. I am angry.

10 fucking years.

I thought we were best friends. I thought we supported one another thru life. I thought.

For four years I wanted a family. For two years I tried. For 9 months I waited. For 14 hours I did the impossible. And for 2 months I thought you were proud and happy for me. But I was completely wrong.

On our wonderful homestead/hobby farm/animal crazed land. We have 23 wonderful and loyal chickens. Now we started with chickens while living in the city. (Not the best idea because they are loud and smelly). But moving out to the middle of nowhere they have free roam of our gardens and they run around like maniacs. But a few issues with living in the middle of nowhere.

predators- hawks, owls, foxes, coyotes, stray dogs, barn cats

Climate- it is a lot colder than in the city

Escape artists- if someone gets out, they usually are gone forever

We all know chickens don't have the best winter coat especially living in the higher desert it's very hot here and very dry but then gets extremely cold extremely fast. It's a shock and awe shit... so now we need to plan winterizing because this fall is going to be cold and this winter even colder.

We have some ideas and have seen some cool tricks. Off the bat providing heat lamps or pads of some sort is out of the question. So, we can cover all the sides of their coop in wood and tarp, so moisture doesn't get in but then we lose the benefit of fresh air moving around freely. Then I saw a video on using shower curtains? I'm not sure how well that will work since the sun hits 99% of the time. So, we need to do some brainstorming for sure.

And this is only pertaining to the chickens. We need to winterize goats, ducks, geese, and pigs.

Being a breast exclusive feeder is a blessing. Anything can happen or your mind set can change so formula becomes your best friend. And that’s okay. But those who can exclusively breast feed are very far and few.

Now I don’t even pump at this point. It’s such a hassle to even try. But I felt pressured. 100% I felt pressured from the doctors, WIC, mom friends. But I don’t have any reason too. We sit, he eats, he smiles, gets extra cuddles and we are good.

He goes to bed like 8 PM. He sleeps for 6 hours straight. So we wake up at 2-3 AM and he eats. But this feed is so calm.

Half asleep. Fully relaxed body.

And it is so nice compared to the frantic day feeds. So I lay here just admiring his beautiful face. Not wanting these moments to ever end. But I know eventually he will be bigger and these moments will disappear too fast.

Usually I have some sort of schedule to keep everything in check. Well everything IS OFF THE RAILS.

Feeding schedule for the animals and kid:: OUT THE WINDOW

Nap schedule:: POOF GONE

Doing day to day chores:: HA I WISH

Mental health:: ON EDGE CONSTANTLY CRYING

But at least I can go poop this time without a crying child.

"One eyed, one horned, giant purple people eater.."

This song plays over and over in my head when our son is in one of his moods. Being about 3 months old his moods are just him being displeased with everything and anything. Babies just get like this and it's completely normal. You can feed them, swing them, bounce, jiggle, clap, sing or lay them down and nothing will seem to work.

It is 100% normal.

Yeah it is fucking exhausting. But once they finally settle it is worth the peace and quiet.

So we have A kid and then we have The kids. Human kid vs goat kids. Technically bucklings, young lil boy goats. Now both our kid and the kids are the most adorable things out there.

Attitude, attention seeking, always starving, atypical boys.

We love ‘em tho.

So our son (<6 mnths), lil J, is a blessing and a half. We ttc for a couple years honestly and we couldn’t have had him at a better and worse time! We had just moved into a gorgeous lot, actually my grandmothers old ranch. We had just gotten our chickens and ducks settled. Dogs were learning their bounds. And we added our first major stock. Our wonderful pig, Alexander Fredrick “Hammy” Hamilton the great, an 8 week old potbelly. Next thing we know we are expecting our first baby. We were and still are over the moon for him. But with the timing brought on it’s own challenges. I suddenly wasn’t “allowed” to throw feed bags, chase chickens, or even eat our fresh eggs! So those 9 mnths were difficult to say the least. But boy was it worth it. In July we welcomed our lil man to the world and I’ll tell you what he really is something special. Another time I’ll explain the nitty gritty and some crazy stories. Shortly after he was born we welcomed another vital stock. Our wonderful and insane goats.

Now our kids, the bucklings, Elvis and Willie Nelson. When I say these boys and my son all have the same traits, I’m not joking. If you haven’t been around goats or kids (baby goats) there are a few “quirks” you may not know about. Such as the constant need to try and eat/get into absolutely EVERYTHING. They are the definition of kid tornados. You think a toddler is bad. Image a toddler on four legs, as fast as a race car, doing parkour, and head butting every living being in a 200 ft radius. There is no stopping them. Constant battle of the wits. And you will always lose. To say the least I’m not excited to have a human toddler fairly soon and these knuckleheads eating me out of my home and beating me up collectively. When we got these guys we had all intentions of using them as walking lawn mowers. Well surprise! They don’t like the weeds we have. Instead they are eating everything else. Mesquite trees, rose bushes, grape vine leaves, palo verde trees etc. *Forehead smack* why did we think this would work?

But truth be told raising a kid and the kids is pretty fun, exhausting, mind numbingly similar I may cry, and attitude adjusting experience. And boy it may get worse from here.