hopeless romantic

and i can’t stop listening to love songs

i told him

those 3 words

well, okay, it was more than 3 words

but you get the idea

THE 3 words

but who gives a shit? he likes me back!!!

he asked my friends for advice about me

and last night he held my hand and let me rest my head on his shoulder

i am a forest fire.

filled with rage

and icky emotions i’m too scared to deal with.

i/m bitter,

petty,

jealous, 

et cetera, et cetera.

i’m a goddamn handful.

but when i’m around you

my forest fire ceases to a campfire.

our fingers intertwined and everything feels okay.

i feel calm. 

you balance me out in a way nobody else can.

how can someone be so good?

so patient? 

so gentle?

you make me want to be better.

i don’t mean that in a self deprecating 

“i’m not good enough for you” way.

i just want to be better

i want to get my shit together

i want to be okay and deal with my icky shitty emotions

you make me want to be better

i go to our spot

the roof we laid on

and gazed at the stars

i think about that night a lot

with every breath

you’re staring at the big black sky above us

i’m staring at you

you looked so perfect in the moonlight

you ask me

“do you think the universe is infinite?”

“it has to be, right?” i reply

in that moment

i wanted you to kiss me

i wanted you to stare at me

with the same look of wonder and awe 

that you gave the constellations that night

we laid on my floor

and listened to beach house

i laid close to you

hoping you would see

i wanted you to take me into your arms

and kiss me

my forehead, my fingers, my lips

anywhere?

everywhere.

but we just stared at each other

eyes full of love

i admired the shape of your nose

crooked, rugged, but still so perfect to me

and the size of your hands

 you sipped on your fifth cup of coffee

maybe we’ll never be 

the things i want us to be

3 kids, a dog, a few cats, and a brownstone in new york

but i’ll always cherish the little things

the walks around campus

the reassuring exchange of glances

the moments where our hands almost touch

and you

i am simply a concept

a collection of ideas you have at 3am

loopy from sleep deprivation

in theory, i am the love of your life

i’m the most alive in your mind

lurking in every corner of your subconscious

playing the part of ‘the one that got away’

the summer to your tom

i understand now, i will never be loved in the present tense

i’m a piece of memorabilia

another baseball card to add to your collection

shiny and new and fuckable

i am plagued with a certain restlessness

i want to take long walks with you 

and go somewhere 

where nobody can find us

lay my head in your lap and look at the stars

get donuts at 2 am and share chocolate milk

kiss in the bluish glow of the streetlamps

share earbuds 

whenever we’re apart

i find myself looking forward to when i get to see you again

i wish i could forget dates

it’s been about 5 days, and we’re both doing alright

we’re good in bed together, but maybe we’re better as friends for now

we ate together today

and in between the inside jokes, mouths wide open, our sides hurting from the laughter

my mind goes back to the night we first met 

in your room, 2 weeks ago

a dim light guiding the path from your mouth to mine

you tell me about your day 

and i stare at your lips

thinking about the way your stubble felt on my chin

and how i thought it was so hot when you asked for my consent

your breath against my neck

i tell you about my day

and wonder if you’re thinking about me too

the way my breasts felt in your hands

my fingers running through your hair as you kissed my stomach

the way i held you after

does it cross your mind, too?

or am i being really weird right now?

“Is everything okay?”

you ask, snapping me out of my contemplations

i stare at my plate, “Sure.” 

we fucked to fucking mitski