I've been pondering my relationship tonight, and how I wish people would write love letters again. The ones with like those cute little stamps and the photo of your honey with their scent sprayed on there. And so I wrote this little love letter of sorts. Its kinda cheesy and probably too personal to share on the internet, but my heart is full and bursting at the moment and need to share it.
I love your smile, and although you cant always see it because of an unruly beard,i love those little dimples that accompany it. I know you hate your teeth, but I love when I see them because that means you were so happy or bursting with laughter you couldn't hide them.
I love that gleam in your eye when you said something and you are waiting for me to laugh. And when you hold your chest if you're being sly and silly.
I love your dopey ears, and playing with them when I sit next to you. I dont play with animals, but I image that is the same comfort I would feel playing with a floppy set of dog ears. Its childish I know, but I love it all the same.
I love holding your hand. I love how my hand fits in yours. I like how you are shy about holding it in public, I think its cute your social anxiety. Even if sometimes i wish you would try a little more to put yourself out there. Call me a masochist, but I love that little bit of panic in your eyes when something unexpected happens, but I love even more when I see a moment later you adjusting and overcoming your fears.
You are so brave. I don't always see it because the same things that scare you don't scare me. But know you are strong.
I grew up moving all the time, I grew up never knowing what was going to happen next, and did not have a lot of social stability because you would meet someone, become friends, and then they would leave you a couple months later. I think because of that you learn to make friendships faster, you learn to just put yourself out there, You form bonds quickly because if you didn't you would spend the next 20 years alone. You learn to just do it, Or else it just wouldn't happen. You go on a trip without notice to another country--or else you wouldn't get to go again. You get on that train--even though you cant understand any of the languages people are speaking or signs posted. You Just paint that room -- Even if you are leaving in a couple months and will have to put it back together, or else it would never feel like your home.
I say all this to say, you grew up different than me. I cant imagine having a friendship for years, I can't imagine living next to your cousins or aunts or uncles. I cant imagine staying somewhere for more than 3 years. And so I forget. I forget you were brave. I forget you left what was a certainty in your life. You left the view you woke up to for the last 30 something years. You left what family you had to come live with me, to be by my side. To do new things with me even though I know you hate new things that don't involve eating. You were brave, because I know you were terrified. And you did it anyways. you did it for me. And I love you for it. I wont pretend I don't wish you didn't come sooner, but I am happy you came all the same. And forgive me the moments when I forget that.
There are so many little things you do for me I'm sure you think I take for granted. I want you to know they do matter, and even if its not in the moment I think back and it makes me love you more.
I love that you bring me flowers as a sweet surprise, and always ask if i need something when you go into any store.
We stop for gas and you offer me a drink, even if we are close to home.
You pump the gas so I can stay in the seat. You take the trash from the doors and throw away old receipts in the cupholders. You always make sure there is air in the tires, and when I go to work my fuel tank is always full.
You carry the groceries for me up our stairs, the bags pilled high in your arms. And boxes balanced on top. And if I have to carry something, you give me the lightest bag of bread or chips.
You carry my work bag for me. And when you pick me up, I like that you will bring me lotion because you know my hands get dry.
When I'm cold you give me your jacket, even though I didn't listen to you to bring my own.
I love how you always text me from work to make sure I've eaten. Or how before you are done you offer to give me your staff meal even if i don't always want it. And if I don't answer your text right away about it, you still try to bring me something you know I like.
I love how you sing to yourself when you are cooking. I love how you always check the recipe over and over. Even though you already know how to make it, you still check because you still worry you missed a step.
I adore how you wash my dishes. That means so much to me you will never know. How you fill my water tank in the fridge with filtered water even though you solely drink from the tap. I love how you take out the trash, and I especially love how you now put a trash bag in the bin after.
I thought it was funny when you took your hunting knife with you to throw away the garbage because a raccoon jumped out of the dumpster. And since then you haven't taken the trash out once the sun goes down.
I love how you bring me water when I'm thirsty because I don't want to move. I love how you scratch my ankles when they itch so I don't have to bend to reach.
I love how you check your posture anytime you pass a reflection, or give a little smolder when you like what you see looking back. I love watching your confidence grow, and seeing your past self heal.
I love that when our dryer broke, you would carry my laundry to go dry it at the mat.
I love that I can hear you snoring in the other room, it sounds funny but I like to know you are breathing.
I love laying on your when we watch TV. The way it feels to rest my head on your chest. The way it feels when I can hear our heart beats synchronize.
I love that you work hard. I love that people at your job can depend on you. I think it's amazing you will work a 100 hour work period and not say a thing. You work so hard and you deserve so much more. I hate they don't pay you what you are worth. I hate that we don't have more time together. And I hate that I don't always have the patience or willpower to let you rest when you need it.
I love that you go to the gym. I love that you care about health, and want a lifestyle that will serve our bodies. I sometimes think your priorities are not where they should be, and I don't always agree with your methods. But I'm glad you are conscious of your health nonetheless. I want you to be around forever.
I love that you are a dreamer. Sometimes it's frustrating, and sometimes it's wonderful. Im glad you have ambitions. I just wish there was more follow through. But I think it's admirable you want to reinvent yourself. Please just stay close enough for me to reach as well. I want to help push you forward, but don't let me fall behind.
I love your humor. Sometimes its not the right moment, and you are not always great at reading the room. But you always manage to make me smile. And more times than not you have turned my foul feelings around and made me laugh instead.
I love that I can lean on you. There have been moments where I felt like a computer jamming up. Or felt so stressed I was frozen. And you were there. You cleaned my room for me. You ordered take out. Gave me laundry to fold so I didn't feel like I wasn't helping. You knew that was all I could handle, and you didn't make me feel small. I loved that.
You always tell me it will be okay. Sometimes it's frustrating when it feels like you are not paying attention to our problems in life, or our financial situation. But there are lots of moments when your calm demeanor cancels out the overwhelming static in my brain.
I love your voice. I make fun of you sometimes. The way you say certain words with your accent, or how you pretend you invented a new word that in fact is not. But your voice brings me comfort and it was one of the first things I fell in love with. And I wish I could hear it more.
I love when I cook for you, and the way you verbally say mmm or yum when you eat it. I love how you praise my cooking. You make me feel so loved when you do that. It makes me feel valuable, and like I can pay you back for always washing my dishes and living with my mess.
I know you love me. Please forgive me in my moments of doubt, the moments I question your sincerity because of my own insecurities. Yes, there are times when you don't show me love the way I need. There are times I feel neglected and unheard. But there are times I don't love you the way you need. Moments when you need space and support, but I poke and tear down.
You can be so stubborn sometimes, so quick to go on defense instead of listening. You stick to your guns, even if you agree with me mid fight. It feels like you are a brick wall sometimes. But, you are never too proud to apologize. Most instances you are the first one to do so. The first one to try and stop the fight. The one who wont leave until we have worked through it. The one who doesn't walk away. You always stay, even if I have to walk away I'm so emotional , you are there when I come back. And you never shame me for doing so, even if I'm the one in the wrong.
Sometimes things are hard, there are times I question. Times where I wonder if things would be easier some other way, Or with someone else. You have seen me at my lowest, and loved me even there. Have met me there and sat there until I was ready to get back up.
Yes, I wish we were rich. I wish we didn't spend so much money on doordash. I wish we had another car. I wish you spent less time on your phone. But despite all the bad we have shared together, we have shared so much good. We have grown together, and we have overcome together. Sometimes it does feel as though we are still in our trials area of life, but I am glad I'm going through it with you.
I could never leave you, you are the one I love. All of these things I've mentioned and there are still so many more reasons I love you. Some I might never share, but are still imprinted in my heart. I love you. And I chose you, to stay by your side, because you have stayed by mine.
Thank you my one and only.
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic
2087
janainaart
