Gay lord of 2 worms

-

Wonder Woman: -oh, and thank you to Red Robin for that piece of insight you gave us last week, it was very helpful.

Damian dressed up as Tim, has no idea what she's talking about: ....no worries.

Aquaman: oh i wasn't here last week, what did you say?

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ....if you... sprinkle cinnamon on your window-ledges, then spiders aren't as likely to come into your house...?

Aquaman:

Wonder Woman:

Woman Woman: i was referring to the fact that you checked our suspect list and absolved Leonard Woodgate from suspicion due to his documented presence in Gotham during the incident.

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ah.

Wonder Woman, glaring at him: Damian.

Red Robin: fuck.

-

*Nightwing, on his phone at the meeting table*

Green Lantern: hey, Dick, can you pass me my coffee?

Nightwing: *doesn't glance over*

Green Lantern: Dick.

Green Lantern: Diiiick?

Green Lantern: RICHARD? DICK???

Batman walking in: you called me?

Green Lantern, looking between them: w- oh for fucks sake- WHERE'S BRUCE?

Dick as Batman, shrugging: honestly i didn't even ask- hey, Tim, where's B?

Nightwing: *still doesn't look up*

Red Hood, showing up in the doorway: did you say my name?

Dick as Batman, now also slightly confused: ...oh is Jason me today?

Jason as Nightwing, finally looking up: oh- sorry, what? completely zoned out there.

Tim as Red Hood: yeah man, i'm Jason, Jason's you, and you're B while he's at the dentist.

Dick: ...huh.

Green Lantern: IF YOU CAN'T TELL HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO?!

-

Robin, walking into the room: i'm here, are we starting the meeting soon?

*The rest of the league not giving him a second look*

Superman: ah, hello Damian. yes, sit down, we're starting soon.

Robin:

Robin:

Tim as Robin, angrily: oh fuck off- I AM NOT SHORT ENOUGH TO PASS AS DAMIAN.

The JL:

Damian as Red Robin, walking into the room and muttering under his breath: told you, you loser.

-

bonus:

*Red Hood, pouring himself a coffee in the Watchtower kitchen*

Arsenal, coming up behind him and pinching Hood's ass: hey sexy, you coming to mine after this thing or am i coming to yours? we went to mine last time, but i dunno the weather in Gotham this week, so your choice.

Red Hood:

Red Hood:

Arsenal: what?

Dick as Red Hood: this cannot fucking be how i find out you're fucking my little brother, Roy.

Arsenal:

Arsenal: are you fucking- STOP DOING THIS.

Jason as Batman, walking into the room and looking at them for a second:

Jason as Batman: please tell me-

Dick: you treat my fucking brother with respect, Harper.

Jason as Batman: *loses his shit*

unauthorized fucking thing!!!!!!

(warning: loud chirping throughout)

Damian: ok one more, quickly before Father shows up.

Dick: you should release this app y'no littlewing, it's honestly impressive that you coded it by yourself.

Jason: stop trying to get my league days app code, i told you i'm not letting you skip ahead.

Dick, whining: come on,,,

Tim: shut up and give us the next one.

*distant car alarm*

Jason: ...d'you reckon that's a robbery alarm or a 'pigeon just flew into my parked car's windshield' alarm?

Tim: i... *deep sigh* honestly my arms are really tired from pulling a double-patrol; let's just say pigeon alarm so i don't have to stand up again.

Damian: can't wait for that news article. 'Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood and Nightwing spotted sitting on a roof playing an ice breaker game while two streets away the Joker steals a car with a baby inside from it's weeping mother'.

Jason: *snort* 'when questioning Batman on his co-workers clear apathy to the suffering of Gotham's people, our great protector responded 'they thought it was a pigeon''.

Tim: *snicker*

Dick: well, i hear no screams and the Joker's dead, so i'm gonna go ahead and say we're good for the next few minutes. hit us, Day.

*long pause of silence*

Jason, wryly: why are you lookin' at me like that? what does it say?

Damian, audibly exasperated: 'i've always been quite pleased with the fact that nobody ever questioned my decision to be a vegetarian, because it's very embarrassing to explain'.

*another pause*

Tim: oh for fuck's sake-

Jason, already laughing: what- what's wrong-?

Tim, flat: no.

Dick: *amused* whaddya mean no,

Tim: no- because you know how unfair this bullshit is? i can't even decide if it's more helpful to play this game in person or just over the ear pieces, because they're- THEY'RE FUCKING LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: -LIKE WHAT DOES THAT FACE MEAN?

Damian: *quietly chuckling* i don't- it doesn't mean anything, Drake. it's fine,

Tim: no- that has to be, like, you're looking at him because you're pissed about how vague he made the lie. Jay made the lies and you made the truths, so if you're looking at him like that it has to be a lie.

Dick: don't- fuckin' *light wheeze* stop ruining the game before it even starts! even if it is a lie, are you not curious about what the fuck he comes up with?

Tim: no. i've learned, Dick. the best way to get out of this game calmly is to just use your instincts and shut it down straight away. it's my new strategy, ok? i'm hacking the code.

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason, fighting back laughter: well you don't- i don't think you can make that assumption, you know? letting Damian pick all the truths in the game is a big responsibility, who knows what he'd avoid writing down just to get out of talking about it. maybe i slipped a few more truths in there to force it out of him; maybe that's why he's glaring at me.

*a beat*

Damian: *wheeze*

Tim: no fuck off, you aren't just changing the way the game works, that's not allowed.

Damian: w- it's a made up game, Timothy, what are you talking about?

Tim: *incredulous huff of laughter* no! no, this is a lie. nay, end of, i'm out. you aren't getting me with this one.

Dick: pussy. Damian, why is it embarrassing that you're a vegetarian?

Damian: *snort* uh,

Tim, mocking: -oh do you not remember? shocking.

Damian: *wheeze* it's because i became a vegetarian after losing a bet.

Dick, curiously: wait so it wasn't your choice?

Damian: no, i actually used to love eating meat.

Jason: that's what she- *quieter* no i can't make that joke in reference to a young child, my bad.

Dick: *abrupt cackle* JASON.

Damian, also laughing: fuck you.

Tim: are you actually claiming you don't eat meat ever, all because you lost a bet as a child?

Dick: yeah, what fucking bet was this? what happened?

Jason: *snicker*

Damian: *sigh* so, Jason had to take some of his men to one of the villages near the compound, i'll admit i can't really remember why,

Tim: convenient.

Dick: *laughs*

Damian: -i just remember that everybody seemed to think the reason they'd been sent was bullshit. i'm fairly sure my grandfather had sent them and they were just going to make him stop talking about it or something? so they weren't actually doing anything, they just went to the village and were hanging out, talking to the locals and stuff. and Jason thought it would be a good opportunity to get me out of the compound for a few hours, so he snuck me out and took me with them.

Dick: this village- was this like, a normal village, or a league connected village, or…?

Damian: normal. or- er, *pause* i guess you could say league connected? it was basically- the compound was very far from modern civilisation, but although Grandfather didn’t want the world to know he existed, he did want to take advantage of some modern supplies,

Jason: -cause he’s a fuckin’ hypocrite-

Damian: -so you keep telling him- anyway, there’s quite a few settlements and small civilisations or villages within on-foot travel distance, and although they’re all local and technically not affiliated with the league, he does use some of those villages as supply drop offs or neutral meeting spots, so like… they are kinda connected but only in the way that an amazon warehouse would be connected to Jason’s phone. y’know?

Jason: leave me and my fucking amazon app alone.

Dick: ok so the people living there-?

Damian: not league employees.

Dick: got it. so you and Jason are at this village, not working.

Damian: exactly.

Dick: what happens next?

Damian: well, one of the most recent shipments Grandfather was having Jason’s men oversee was weaponry; guns and rifles and stuff. so, because they’re all childish idiots, Jason and his most trusted squadron start playing with the guns.

Jason: *snort*

Damian: one of the locals we were more familiar with used to make these clay statues, like little animals, y’know? and Jason blew i think, like, six months of his pay on ridiculously overpaying for a bunch of these little clay birds.

Tim: hold on- you actually got paid at the loa?

Jason: *disinterested noise* i mean i guess you could argue it was more my allowance, but yeah.

Tim: unbelievable. we don’t get paid.

Dick, dry: Tim you inherited millions from your parents.

Tim: still.

Dick: ok- anyway, what happened with the clay birds.

Damian: they were taking in turns using them as targets while trying out the rifles, you know- like clay pigeon shooting? and i decided i wanted to try.

Dick: shooting?

Damian: yes. i didn’t have that much practice with guns at that point, because Grandfather preferred i sharpen my more traditional combat abilities. but i was young, and i wanted to copy Jason and his friends, i guess.

Dick: Jason- what face even is that?

Jason: i’m- i’m *audible struggling not to laugh* just shut up- leave me alone, i’m not part of this.

Dick: uh- *wheeze* ok, so Day, did he let you use the gun?

Damian: he thought it would be a bad idea, but i was… insistent.

Jason: *whimper*

Tim, flatly: why the fuck wouldnt he want you using a gun? he gives you guns now,

Damian: when i was younger i was… more sensitive to animals, and i had a tendency to get attached. *pause* to objects. occasionally.

Dick: waddaya mean?

Jason, muffled, high pitched: ‘e ‘ad a pet rock,

Dick, in disbelief: what??

Damian: LOOK,

Jason: *wheezes uncontrollably*

Damian, over him: LISTEN. you already know i was like, never allowed out of the compound. i didn’t speak to people that weren’t assassins, i didn’t get much alone time, and attachments were very much not encouraged. i was… a little bit behind, on my emotional affection regulation, i guess. i wasn’t allowed to care about any pets or guards because, well, they could die at any time. so, i would get attached to objects instead.

Jason: -yeah, you say that; you did also get attached to the animals and guards around the compound, you just refused to fuckin’ admit it. it was like you thought you’d be punished for smiling at Isla in the kitchens, but screaming bloody murder any time any of us tried to separate you from the fuckin’ snake skull you found and decided was your friend—oh that was ok.

Tim, amused: you made friends with a snake skull?

Damian: your parents are dead and they hated you when you were alive, mind your business.

Dick: *abrupt cackle*

Tim: man, fuck you.

Dick: ok- ok stop, you still haven’t even said what the bet was.

Damian: *sigh* well Jason thought i’d get attached to the clay birds, and that i’d throw a tantrum when they then got shot, so he didn’t want me using the gun in case i got sad. and i told him he was being ridiculous, because he was, and i’d be fine. and we argued back and forth for a while until Jason eventually threw out something like ‘you’re so fucking sensitive to this shit, it’s a wonder you even eat chicken.’

Tim: stop laughing.

Jason, high pitched: m- trying,

Damian: and i think at this point i must have been like, seven. so i’m instantly like, ‘what are you talking about, chicken is great, you’re an idiot’. and Jason goes ‘yeah, chicken is great until you’re the one killing and preparing the bird, and that’s what this basically is you know, we’re shooting fake birds.’ and i’m a little rebel, right? so i get in his face and i’m like ‘i could do that easily, you’re just a coward.’

Dick: oooh~

Damian: yeah- by the way? *amused* i’m seven and he’s fresh out the pit. ‘in his face’ is him sitting on the floor cross-legged so i can reach him.

Dick and Tim: *wheeze*

Damian: yeah. and he goes ‘ok then, how about when you do get sad that the target is dead, you aren’t ever allowed to eat chicken again.’ and then he adds on ‘even better, you’re never allowed to eat meat again’. and i’m like, you’re on. and i take the rifle.

Jason: *barely audible snickers, clearly muffled*

Dick: see- i know you said about the ‘Damian didn’t know it, so clearly Jason wrote it and it’s a lie thing’, but i dunno if Jay would laugh this hard if it was a made up story,

Tim: are you kidding me? Jason thinks Damian’s the funniest motherfucker on the planet, he’ll laugh at anything Damian says, it’s honestly annoying. plus, if you think this is true then you’re saying you believe that the only reason Damian does not and will not EVER eat meat, is just because he said he wouldn’t get sad when a clay bird broke, and then got sad anyway.

Dick: …he has a point. like i know how good an actor Day is, there’s no way you couldn’t have just pretended not to be sad.

Damian: well- *snort* well hold on now, because i never said that’s what happened.

Jason: *weeps*

Damian: …i should probably specify that this wasn’t Jason’s fault. he didn’t know that it would happen, so he didn’t like- he didn’t set it up.

Dick: wait, what happened?

Damian: i had the rifle, and i aimed it up so one of Jason’s men could throw the clay bird and i could shoot it, right? except what we didn’t realise, was that one of the other locals bred and raised doves as a hobby,

Dick, gasping: no,

Damian: and one of them happened to get free,

Jason: *muffled choking noise*

Damian: so little seven year old me expected to shoot a piece of rock with no further consequences, hit a bullseye, and was suddenly engulfed in an explosion of blood, bird organs, and feathers. and the dove died in front of me.

Dick, in awe: oh my god???

Jason: *starts wheezing louder*

Damian, also holding back laughter: and so- and so- Jason fuck off, *laugh* and so i started crying, throwing up, just losing it—Jason had to take like forty-five minutes to calm me down and wipe the blood off my face, he had to pay for the dove,

Dick, incredulous: he had to pay for the dove-!

Damian: he took me back to the compound while i was clinging to his neck, and i just refused to be let down all day. Mother was furious with him, and i remember all of Jason’s subordinates taking turns trying to cheer me up while i was like, clinging to Jason’s chest.

Dick: oh my god,

Damian: yeah, and then after all that i sat down to dinner, still a little shaken, and we had boiled chicken. and i still remember reaching out my like, trembling hand to grab my fork—and Jason just slides the plate away, looks me dead in the eyes, and he goes ‘not for you, we had a deal.’ and-

Dick and Jason: *instantly lose it*

*loud, echoing cackles*

Damian, barely audible over them: -AND EVER SINCE THEN, I HAVE BEEN HONOUR BOUND.

Dick: THAT’S SO- *cough* THAT’S SO MEAN,

Jason: *noiseless wheezing*

Tim, flat: and again, it’s a nice story. creative, sure, but it is a lie.

*hands slapping against concrete*

Damian: Jason- shut up,

Jason: *high-pitched laughter-*

Dick: well- *cough* wait, hold on, Tim, Tim, because- *wheeze*

Tim: what.

Dick: it’s just- listen, i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… do you remember like, a while ago, where we were talking about Damian not having friends growing up? and Jason was telling us about his closest subordinates? *pause* ……didn’t he mention that Damian shot a dove?

*silence*

Jason: *breathless gasps for air*

Dick: ‘cause that wasn’t part of the game, so there’s no reason for him to have lied. if this is- if this is that incident…. then what are the chances of it being true?

Damian: *snort* uh, i’m gonna need a yay or a nay from you both now.

*silence*

Dick: Tim?

*more silence*

Dick, amused: Tim, do you smell toast?

Tim, very quietly: don’t wanna play the stupid game anymore.

Dick: *mid-laugh* Tim-

Tim, abruptly, very loud: NO.

Damian: that’s what i said when i shot the dove.

Jason: *wheezes again*

*crashing sounds* *screeching* *yelling*

Tim: YOU CHANGED THE RULES-

Jason: GET HIM OFF ME-

Memories with you

Roy stopped his arrow cleaning and shrugged with a smile.

Roy: Oh, uh… thanks. You think that sounds weird coming from me, but oddly enough, I like hearing that. Thank you, Harley.

Harley: No prob, Roy. Never stop bein’ proud of how far ya come. You’re livin' proof people can recover.

Dick: he takes it like a champ, which is honestly- it's made my respect for him go up more than literally any of the badass Batman shit he's ever done.

Jason: oh, a hundred percent. like, especially considering how egotistical he used to be? Bruce has become completely numb to us being bitches about him.

Dick: i guess it's different because, like, i mean it's more ironic now, right? i mean we used to fucking hate him, and it came through in the way we mocked him. it was malicious.

Jason: *audible wince* yeah buddy we had issues,

Dick: *wheeze* we had- we had issues. but now it's more like... us talking about how messy of a family we are is more a way of acknowledging how far we've all come, you know? it's therapeutic. bonding.

Jason: *crooning* aw, how sweet. *laugh* which of your therapists came up with that shit?

Dick: *laugh* it's good for you, man! i'm telling you, the guy i have is good. and he knows our identities, so we don't have to hold back. you should try it.

Jason: yeah, no, i'm happy for you, but i got my therapy right here.

*slight pause*

Dick, dry: that's a gun.

Jason: *cackle* look, i ain't in denial, i know my issues. talking stuff out just isn't my deal. you know i operate different to you and Bruce.

Dick: *hum* you do you, i guess. he worked for Bruce though, as far as i'm aware B still sees him.

Jason: *abrupt snort* you two share a therapist? that's fuckin' adorable.

Dick, snickering: listen- listen, it was a whole thing! i told him if he was gonna try it out he had to do it properly; let go of his control issues and actually look for help, so i made him see my guy because then he's seeing somebody who already has a picture of who he is from another perspective--he couldn't manipulate the narrative.

Jason: smart, corner the fucker.

Dick: yeah, but again--took it like a champ.

Jason: was there a moment for you where you could tell that like--'oh he's actually fucking trying, he might not be as shit as we thought'.

Dick: *snort* the grand moment of realisation of 'ah shit, he actually is just a guy as well, isn't he?'

Jason: *slight wheeze* the moment- the moment of- *snort* 'fuck i've been bullying somebody in the same boat as me'.

Dick: GOD, *cackle* yes, oh dude you have no idea, there were so many moments,

Jason: it's- it's weird, right? to be like, maybe we don't have to hate each other as much as we do?

Dick: yeah, -but it's like, part of it right? to make the realisation that you can be a victim of circumstance while also being an asshole that contributes to the problem?

Jason: *click* oh yeah, completely. you gotta get to the point where you can accept that it can be true that you have a shit life largely due to the actions of somebody else, while it also being true that- that the person at fault, is only at fault because they themselves have been fucked over in life and they just haven't had the clarity or opportunity to fix themselves from it before.

Dick: *grunt* yeah, parents--or peers, i guess. peers can wrong you without being bad people. we're all just... shitty people, trying to figure out how not to be shitty to those further down the line. sometimes we manage it, sometimes we don't. doesn't make us evil, just makes us... works in progress.

Jason: *hums*

*a few beats of silence*

Dick: Jace if you don't fucking offer me some damn alcohol right now-,

Jason: *instant cackling* chill- chill i got a case in the fridge, you can go get it.

Dick: and if i open the window to go get it i'm not gonna get ass-fucked by your deranged loa version of home security?

Jason: what do i- do i look stupid? why would i have security on while hanging out on my own fucking fire escape?

*shifting, wood sliding*

Dick: well i dunno, you're weird sometimes,

Jason: fuck off. and grab the whole case will you? bring it out, i don't wanna go in any time soon.

*clinking*

Dick: sir yes sir. *slight grunt* so, *sigh* what was your moment?

Jason: what- my Bruce moment?

Dick: yeah. i mean- i assume Damian living with him had something to do with it, but what was the moment that made you realise he wasn't as bad as we made him out to be during the golden era?

Jason: *bottle uncapping* *clink* don't laugh.

Dick: *already amused* why would i laugh?

Jason: ...it was when he hit me in the face with the batarang.

*two seconds of silence*

Dick: *snort*

Jason: ok fuck you-

Dick: no- sorry, how the fuck-

Jason: it was complicated-

Dick: he slit your throat and you were like 'yeah that man's on a self improvement journey'.

Jason: *instant cackle* no- let me be clear, it wasn't the fact that he threw a batarang at my face, it was just the overall interaction in general.

Dick: jesus. how fucking good was this conversation that he literally almost killed you with his own hands and you still walked away like 'good chat dad, see you on thanksgiving'?

Jason: no the real question is- *wheeze* real question is how low was the fucking bar,

Dick: *loud laughter* *high-pitched, between weeping* what did he say-?

Jason: he apologised.

Dick: *long excited gasp* you're fucking kidding.

Jason: yeah- but like. in a weirdly mature way? that's what fucking caught me off guard.

Dick: i thought you hated it when he apologised for not killing the Joker?

Jason: that's what caught me off guard! because he didn't apologise for that, he apologised because- ok so basically,

Dick: *snort* oh here we go.

Jason: -shut the fuck up, we're at my place post-patrol and we're drinking alcohol, of course we're gonna psychoanalyze our interactions and history with Bruce- anyway, we’re on the roof, i’ve got a gun on Joker and i’m basically telling him that he either kills the Joker or i do, and if he doesn’t want Joker to die then he has to kill me,

Dick: this is the first time you’ve properly told me this story,

Jason: yeah- well obviously B has his whole no kill thing so he’s being a little bitch about it, that’s expected, and so i put the gun to Joker’s head and start countin’ down from three. and before i can actually do anythin’, he tears up and starts apologising.

Dick: god tier distraction technique.

Jason: -yeah, i- *wheeze*

Dick: *snickering* look i’m just saying-

Jason: no- yeah, fair enough. anyway i started yelling about like, how i didn’t give a fuck that he didn’t get to the warehouse in time back in Ethiopia, bla bla bla, yeah? and he stops me mid-sentence. and he goes ‘no Jason, i’m not sorry that i didn’t save you in time back then, and i’m not sorry that i didn’t kill the Joker, i’m not going to apologise for that and my opinions will not change.’

*silent pause*

Jason: …and i’m like. the caucacity of this bitch.

Dick: *wheezes* *slapping sounds, grating of metal*

Jason: don’t fuckin- break my outdoor chairs,

Dick: *still wheezing* the caucacity- no that’s insane! he actually said that?

Jason: word for word- *slightly offended* by the way? thanks for outing my fucking civilian name to the Joker, you fucking asshole.

Dick: *loses it again*

Jason: -guess the no-names-in-the-mask rule is only important when you want it to be, huh?

Dick: so what- *snort* what was he apologising for?

Jason: well that was what freaked me out. because suddenly Batman left the roof and in his place was this fuckin- well adjusted man, who was willing to make himself emotionally vulnerable in public. and he proceeds to tell me that he wasn’t sorry for the Joker shit, but he was sorry that he didn’t provide a safe enough environment at home, because maybe if he’d actually stepped up as a father figure then i wouldn’t have felt the need to go to Ethiopia the way i did in the first place.

*three seconds of silence*

Dick, awed: *stage whispering* he admitted it?!

Jason: OUT OF NOWHERE.

Dick: hoooly-

Jason: *indignant* YEAH. YEAH MAN. I’M FUCKIN’ STANDING THERE ON THE OTHER END OF THIS ROOF LIKE SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO THAT.

Dick: *cackle* *John Mulaney impression* the Bruce admitted to his faults in an open and honest emotional conversation? i didn’t know he knew how to do that.

Jason: *instant wheeze* ex- *cough* -ACTLY! *cough* anyway, obviously my face is like- i look fucking baffled, because what? and i think he thought i didn’t understand what he meant? and so he said- and i’ll never fucking forget what he said, he said this word for word,

Dick: *drink sloshing* *prompting hum*

Jason: he goes ‘when i took you in, i promised to take up the responsibilities of being your guardian, and i remember the night that i told you that, you looked at me with nothing but distrust.’ and he tells me, ‘you didn’t believe that i’d be there for you, and you didn’t believe that you could rely on me; as a guardian, or a parent, or a father.’ and then he looked me in the eyes as he was actively tearing up, and he told me, ‘the biggest mistake i’ve ever made in my life was living up to those expectations of me, because you were right not to think i would do it, and the biggest thing that broke my heart about your death was the realisation that i never let you feel safe around me.’

Dick: *slow whistle* yeah, that would have gotten me. i’d have cried.

Jason: *stage whispering* right? completely fucking took the wind out of my rage-sails, i had no idea what to do. *louder* I WILL SAY- i will say, that it was at that point that the Joker started looking kind of uncomfortable, which was-

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: which was- *also wheezing* the best thing ever. *high-pitched, snickering* like- fuck me, i didn't think it was possible for the Joker to feel awkward about anything, but man, that dipshit did not fuckin' wanna be there,

Dick: oh my god, this is incredible. that has to be like- Bruce Wayne, the only man in the universe with the ability to make the Joker uncomfortable with his feelings.

Jason: yeah, so i was like... reeling. because all of a sudden B was telling me everything i'd wanted to hear from him since he'd bloody adopted me, and on top of that he started telling me about how he 'knew that he couldn't fix the time he'd already lost, but he would always be available if i ever wanted to try and build anything new', and,

Dick: OH MY GOD HE TOLD ME THAT- HE TOLD ME THAT LIKE SIX MONTHS AFTER YOU DIED. HE- he called me at seven in the morning to tell me that he loved me, wished he'd been better at showing it back when it mattered, and was going to try and tell me it more in the future.

Jason, snorting: first thing in the morning is wild.

Dick: dude i was hung over. i threw up. on call. he thought he'd killed me.

Jason: *bursts out laughing* fuckin'- it almost killed me on that roof.

Dick: right- yeah, ok, i wanna get back to that. because how the fuck does B using this opportunity to update you on his journey through self-improvement and therapy somehow turn into him throwing a literal knife at your neck?

Jason: *dismissive* ahhh, well, bless his little heart, he's not gonna get everything right first try, is he?

Dick: *snickering* Jason,

Jason: ok, ok. so- ok so basically,

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: *smacking noise* FUCK OFF. you have to understand that my main goal when i orchestrated that whole scenario was like... a complete unstable mixture of like five various points i wanted to make at the same time. like- i was losing it, to the point where Damian told me afterwards he'd been considering asking Ra's about pulling me in for another pit-dip because he thought something might be wrong with me.

Dick: *amused* you were- you were having a slight menty-b,

Jason: *wheeze* a slight menty-b, yeah. so- part of it was i wanted to see if Bruce would kill the Joker for me, part of it was just wanting to see if he even cared; part of it was to make sure Damian would be safe with him, and part of it... i guess...

*drink sloshing*

Jason: don't freak out, but i guess part of it was a subconscious attempt at just... getting something to kill me.

Dick: ...something?

Jason: yeah- like it wasn't a thought out attempt, i wasn't thinking of it as a suicide attempt; but i think i was specifically trying to make the whole situation as fucked as possible because i wanted something to just... put me down. whether that be the Joker, or me, or Bruce, or a bomb, y'know? like... my mind was such a mess in that moment that i was just too tired to think about making it off that roof alive.

Dick: *drink slosh* *calm hum*

*a beat of silence*

Jason: like- i'm fine now, but there have been hard moments, you know?

*another beat of silence*

Dick: ...you, fuckin'... you are one special little gem, you know that Jace?

Jason: *indignant snort* fuckin' what? *chuckle* what's that supposed to mean?*

Dick, amused: it means, dumbshit, that i know for a fucking fact you fought with every fucking fibre of your being to make it out of that warehouse, to make it out alive, because you did not want the Joker to kill you. i know that, you've told me about that,

Jason, already amused: yuh-huh,

Dick: -so as much as it sucks to hear that there have been points where my baby brother has wanted to off himself, there is a morbidly fascinated part of me that is listening to this, like, imagine having the audacity to fight that fucking hard to survive, so hard that god apparently fucking listened to you, brought you back, and you came back alive just like, 'mmm, this is more hassle than i thought actually, nevermind'.

Jason: *soft wheeze* hey- hey now-

Dick: -like i know i'm being insensitive but that is SO wild to me-,

Jason: *wheezes again* oh my god- see, this is so much funnier than therapy.

Dick: yeah, i'll agree to that, it's less sensitive when it's outside of a therapist's office.

Jason: *approving grunt* well, anyway, i did actually have a bomb on the roof, so that was my final back-up plan. if shit went down the drain, just blow everything up, y'know?

Dick: you took a bomb? like a grenade?

Jason: no like a proper one, remote detonated and stuck to the inside of the building. it would have taken out the whole thing, killed us all in one fell swoop. the only problem was, i didn't want B to know i had a bomb, so i couldn't have the detonator on me, right?

Dick, slightly confused: right...?

Jason: so- *slight laugh* so i got this guy, right? this guy named Micheal.

Dick: the fuck is Micheal.

Jason: Micheal is one of my workers, and he has no fucking friends whatsoever. runs accounts for me because he's such a nerd, and i think he's chill so i occasionally invite him out for drinks with me and my main guys, right?

Dick: *confused hum*

Jason: i am the only reason Micheal has a job or a social life, and i am the only person he speaks to outside of cashiers and women who hate him on onlyfans. Micheal therefore recognises that he owes me his life and adores me, to the point where he will do anything for me without question, and will shut up about anything he hears with a hundred percent success rate, no matter what.

Dick: *snort* ok?

Jason: my point is, i couldn't have the detonator on me for risk of B somehow seeing it and planning around it. so, i had Micheal on my private com line with the detonator, hidden a whiles away and waiting for me to give the command to blow us all up because he's the only one i trusted to keep his fucking mouth shut. are you with me?

Dick: you had some random fucking loser pervert-

Jason: I *clap* DID *clap* NOT *clap* THINK *clap* I *clap* WOULD *clap* MAKE *clap* IT *clap* OFF *clap* THAT *clap* ROOF *clap* ALIVE.

Dick: *audibly trying not to laugh* ri- right, ok, go- go on,

Jason: so this entire fucking conversation, my identity, my daddy issues, Batman crying; Micheal is hearing all of this shit, right? and he's waiting for me to give him a signal about this bomb because i'd told him that if a certain amount of time on that rooftop passed without anything happening, that he should just blow it up anyway. but now things have changed, because B is for some reason being reasonable which means now maybe i shouldn't kill us all in a murder suicide, right?

Dick: *incredulous cackle* right,

Jason: so i'm fuckin' crying, Batman's fuckn' crying, Joker's startin' ta avert his eyes like he did not think this was how this interaction was supposed to go,

Dick: *laugh*

Jason: -and all of a sudden Micheal starts sayin' some shit in my ear; except i can't fuckin' hear him properly because i wasn't expectin' us to be having any two-way conversations so i've got my com turned all the way down, so, suddenly remembering i should probably tell him not to blow us up, i reach my hand up to adjust my com and ask him what's up. yeah?

Dick: right,

Jason: but i'm also restraining Joker, so i have to use the hand holding the gun to do it. and the safety's still off, and i'm not wearing my helmet, and it's an awkward angle n shit, right?

Dick: *disappointed* oh my god,

Jason: and- *slight wheeze* B told me ages afterwards what happened from his perspective, which was that he saw his crying son in the middle of a slight menty-b lift a gun to the side of his head with no safety and start fiddling with his fingers--as if about to press the trigger and do a whole-ass suicide,

Dick: oh my GOD,

Jason: yeah- *amused* and i guess the tears were obstructing his vision, so he says that he panicked and tried to hit the gun out of my hand and fuckin' missed, right? but from my perspective, my dad just told me he was sorry for the first time in his life and then shot me in the neck as if he needed to destroy all evidence of the incident,

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: so now my mind's in a fuckin' frenzy, i'm dying possibly, and i'm really pissed off because WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Dick: *more wheezing, gasping for air* oh my god-,

Jason: so, deciding i need to fuckin' recoup and consider the events of the evening, i shoved the Joker at him, jumped off the edge of the building, and told Micheal to blow that shit to high heaven to distract him so i could get away.

Dick: and you just left?!?!

Jason: yeah man, went home and called Ra's--needed somebody to complain about my daddy issues too. it was fine though, he got me medical attention. and after that i guess B told you and Tim that i was alive, Damian started settling into Gotham a little more, and my mind cleared up enough that i realised i should probably like... fucking calm down or something, because clearly my opinion of Bruce is slightly skewed and i needed to retcon that shit.

Dick, snickering: retcon--wait, what happened with the Joker, i thought you killed him on the roof?

Jason: *hum* mmmnope, i ain't kill him. i think B put him back in Arkham like usual after that night. *drink sloshing*

Dick: i swear i thought he died that night- actually, where the fuck is he then?! hold on, hold on how am i just noticing this, where the fuck has the Joker been for the past three years if you didn't kill him? i just assumed you'd got him?!

Jason, casual: no i didn't get him. he is dead though. died two weeks after.

Dick: you got him two weeks after?

Jason: nah, i didn't get him.

Dick: the fuck got him?

Jason: Damian did, dude.

*a beat*

Dick, supremely indignant: sorry?

Jason: yeah- Bruce doesn't know it was Day though, the kid made it look like a heart attack or something, i think.

Dick: *awed* Damian got him? two weeks after the rooftop incident?

Jason: *casual* yeah--cause he came to visit me to check that i hadn't like, completely gone insane, and obviously he was like 'the fuck happened to your neck?' so i had to take him a whiles out of Gotham and tell him what happened with Bruce-,

Dick: why'd you take him out of Gotham for that?

Jason: because if he was in the vicinity of B at that moment he would have shot him in the face.

Dick: ...ok yeah fair enough. without the emotional context it is kind of wild.

Jason: exactly; but anyway- after he calmed down and i took him back to my apartment he told me that 'this clown shit was way more hassle than it fucking should be' and then he disappeared for like, eight hours. he came back through my window at like six am and just told me 'there, now you can all shut up about it', and i just... made the executive decision not to ask questions. i was goin through all this new mental health journey shit, y'know? other things to worry about.

Dick: fucking hell,

Jason: yeah. *drink sloshing* 'hacked into the Arkham records the next morning and he'd been quietly confirmed as dead and cremated, so that was that i guess.

*a few beats* *drink sloshing*

Dick: ...i guess i always thought that... that like... his death would be more dramatic, you know? that it would be a victory. did you not want something more satisfying?

Jason: *non-committal hum* i mean... maybe a little bit at first? but honestly the perspective i landed on was that... he sucked. like- his one thing was being a clown, right? it was his one passion; all he wanted was to be well known, and to be funny. so there's a part of me that thinks the best possible end for that guy is for him to die quietly, meaninglessly, in a completely boring, background, unnoticeable way, to the point where nobody even realises he's dead. like. do you know how fucking offended he'd be if he knew nobody knew--or cared--that he was dead? it makes me very happy to think about.

*stretch of silence*

Dick: that's such a god-tier take, actually. i take it all back.

Jason: right?

Dick: Damian's a fucking genius.

Jason: mmhmm. like father like son, am i right?

Dick: *chuckle* yea- wait, huh?

Jason: oh- *snort* no, i'm not complimenting B, i mean me.

Dick: oh, *chuckle* yeah,

*a beat*

Dick: wait, what?

Jason: what?

Dick: what do you mean 'like father like son'?

Jason: ...d'i not tell you about that?

Dick: eh-?