This was meant to be a video response but alas my webcam has decided to hate me today.
Coming out to my friends had more almost more nerve wrecking them telling my family for the fact that I had a very fair idea on how my family would react after trying to tell them I wasn't straight (without giving myself a label) when I was a teenager. I say tried to tell them because halfway through, I was cut off and basically told that the conversation was over. Staring the process of coming out to them as Trans only very recently, is a whole other topic.
Struggling with the acceptance of myself, some days eats me alive to the point I feel like I don't want to function. With it comes massive anxiety that leaves me physically ill from stress and worrying. Because of that I decided that I in fact wouldn't wait any longer and not allow myself to hesitate and ponder alone anymore so I sucked it up and came out as Trans to two friends. Not super close friends to play it safe but friends of several years none the less. Both were aware that I didn't identify as a heterosexual person but that's as far as it went. They both took it well, we talked for a few minutes like we were having a normal, everyday talk. I felt relieved but knew that I had only just tested the waters with two people who I knew I would get acceptance from.
I decided that there was no way I was going to meet up or call all of my 'I should probably tell them' friends so I took the faux pas way and messaged them on Facebook. With a stiff drink in one hand and chewing the crap out of my nails, I watched this weird picture unfold. I don't know what I was expecting, I've always been a very open minded person and they had stuck by me through mental illness and the trouble that my quick temper got me into but I suddenly felt like I was telling this deep, dark secret to a bunch of strangers.
A few asked questions, just the basics so that they could understand what I was saying while a few more just basically said "okay. What are you doing this weekend?" One was furious that I hadn't told her before and spent the better part of an hour on the phone telling me that I better never hide things from her again and then another twenty minutes telling me that she loved me always. Cis male friends were a whole new ball game. I was terrified of saying 'oh yea, when we were hooking up I didn't want you so much as I wanted to be you, that's not twisted right?'
Most of them found it amusing but again, there was no real reaction except from one close male friend who told me he supports me but has made his hesitation clear.
Overall, there was only one friend that I know in my gut is out of my life and while it hurts, I knew it would happen and I wouldn't expect someone to choose a friend over their faith. She wasn't rude or cruel, she simply tried to understand but then quickly retreated.
The cruelest reaction came from someone I considered one of my best friends of over a decade. I was called everything from a fag to listening to him make crude comments about body parts and what I will never actually be. He insulted my partner and then laughed about it. Being that he came out to me at sixteen as bisexual, I figured he would probably be the most supportive person I had as I began the evolution of myself. I haven't talked to him since and I honestly have no intention of doing so. I have enough self hatred as of recently to make up for any that someone else could give me.
At this point I'm just letting it spread on it's own. Just saying the words out loud left me feeling absolutely exhausted and I knew that I needed to take a step back and collect myself and wait and see how it unfolds but I know whatever direction it leads I atleast learned the true feelings of the people in my life and even strengthened a few relationships.
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