Some Words

“you’re so brave”

they say to me

“for living authenticly”

“being yourself”

but i’ll tell you a secret

I don’t feel brave

I feel scared and lonely

and tired

I feel like Ill never be whole

but what is that anyway

Throughout the day, some people say “she”

some say “he”

theres even the occasional “they”

while others avoid pronouns altogether

simply referring to me by name

because they’re unsure how to address me

probably not wanting to offend me

though i’m not too sensitive

They say I look happy

Do I?

Thats strange, because I don’t feel it

Sure I feel better than I used to

But I don’t think i’d say happy

I’m on my way there

Though I don’t see happiness as a destination

More like a state of mind that we experience sometimes

And I think there’s this wrong notion in society

That everyone should always be happy

Which is just not realistic

Life can be so mundane sometimes

Where you’re not happy, but you’re not sad

You’re just kind of neutral

I read an article

about summer flings

where you start a relationship

in the summer

but when it becomes fall

it ends like the season

they called it “freckling”

because freckle appear

in the summer

then fade away

in the fall

and the whole time I was reading

I was thinking about you

and your new girlfriend

but my freckles

don’t fade

they stay forever

just like my feelings

for people

you have some freckles on your face

but there’s just a few

and they’re light

I wonder if you’re getting more

from the sun

I hope that they disappear

just like she will

some days, I want nothing more than you back in my arms

but others, all I desire

is to never see you again

to move on to let go

to be back to where I was before you

In a good place (I think?)

but at the same time, i’m glad for the experience

however,

I’ve learned a lot about you

realized that you’re not as nice as you think you are

you’re not the person you think you are

you’re a hypocrite, among other things

I’m not really sure what you wanted from me

but I guess you got it

I’m not really sure what I wanted from you

but I think I got it

I definitely got something

and I’m grateful

and i’m unsure where to go from here

for now i’m staying alone

i’m working on myself

I don’t understand how just like that you can be out of love

I guess you were never in love to begin with then

I’ll be honest

I wasn’t

I don’t think I was

I think I was in love with having someone

in love with talking to you

kissing you

but not you

just the experience of it all

maybe thats shitty

but you’ve been pretty shitty too

and im not sure where to go from here

theres a part of me that never wants to speak to you again

theres another part that just wants to start all over

yet if we had never met

and knowing what I know now, if you messaged me

if you had told me two years ago

that i would be where i am right now

18 year old me wouldn’t believe you

they would say i’m better than that

a superiority complex is powerful

it’s a lie

being “smart” doesn’t make you better than anyone

honestly, it’s made me worse

thinking you’re better than others

because of your grades

is so so wrong

i wish i could go back

and tell myself not to be such an asshole

tell myself not to go to that school

tell myself not to lose her

instead, i’m stuck in this present

it’s not a bad one,

it’s just different

unexpected from my “plan”

thats okay though, so okay

i’m getting better

(or at least i think i am)

i’m working on my anxiety

and my depression is...

more of an occasional intruder

than a constant dark cloud

hanging over my shoulder

there’s still work to be done

always room for improvement

but i don’t want to die anymore

i want to live

i have dreams and an ideal future

it’s exaggerated and hard to attain

but i’m hopeful

for the first time in years