so, i’ve been thinking...bout you.
I’ve been wondering if I’m delusional or just a fucking idiot.
I start to look at signs or decoding everything we did and things that happened for the last one month. the problem is, I’m really into you. I really thought I could spend the rest of my life with you, but I’m having doubts now.
I haven’t feel like i’m a part of you life since we separated. some days you disappear, like we’ve never met, some days you say you’re so busy i wonder what am i to you. some days i feel like I’m just the friend who you talk with when you’re bored. some days, well, it’s like I really have you. hell i don’t even know what’s your favourite food or favourite song.
My mind had been running run wild, so here’s what i think.
1. We’re not on the same stair on love. our expectations are different and we never talk about it or what we are hoping to happen.
2. you’ve been alone too long, like me. I need constant affection and reaffirmation but it’s hard for you to show it. it’s hard for me to open up to another person, it was so hard for me to say “i love you” to another human i didn’t remember what those 3 words sounds like, until i met you.
3. I’m just too convenient to you. I’m 5 time zones away, and there’s nothing solid between us. there’s enough distance for you to live the life you want. day’s you’re bored, you give me more attention, days you have something (or someone) else, you forgot bout me.
4. you’re really that busy. (but who are we lying to? is spending 30 minutes a day to talk too much?)
5. I’m was never part of your plan. It was meant to be just a vacation fling.
I’m all burnt out, you made me so confused I've lost myself. I don’t remember when did i last laugh, i find myself in tears whenever I’m alone. Everyday I wake up thinking of you, if i was on your mind. Every night i sleep, telling myself you’re just occupied with other things.
when you shared the pictures with me, i realised I’m not part of your life. that week of getaway i feel like I’m used for sex, at least i know I’m good in bed. I couldn’t find us in any of the photos you took, I only see me throwing myself at you and you were awkward about it, I see you feeling happy being on your own, like i wasn’t there with you.
what am i to you? was i just convenient or you were bored?
I’m wiping away the tears, cos I’m tired of waiting for a love that’s not happening.
Should i start picking myself up and forget about you? Was I loving the ghost of you?
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