Dear You

I constantly feel like there are moments and opportunities that belong to another lifetime.

Like tonight. There was a lull in our evening. It was the perfect moment to crawl into that couch with you and just exist, instead of you pulling out your phone in the dark and i silently arguing with myself on why i felt such a strong and impossible urge. If it wasnt meant to be why would i feel it. 

You are exactly right for me. But there’s something missing in me for you and that, to me, is the saddest part of it all. Nothing is perfect but its the imperfections that i love. 

This week was something else. We were close. It was actually the closest ill ever know to what being with you would be like. She’s convinced that you have some sort of feelings but im afraid her vision is blurred. 

you and i have talked. Ive heard your thoughts. But i also know that you make up scenarios in your mind to talk yourself out of the hard and scary things. You’re afraid. God Damn so am i. all the time. What if i miss an opportunity to change this game around. Or what if im just climbing higher and higher up that cliff. i know im gonna fall. I know that my bones, though broken, will end up being the most intact. Sobbing into my palms will be the easiest part. And i’m terrified you know this. 

You’ll never know or understand how strong the gravity is on my side though because you simply do not feel it. I can barely pick my feet up to move forward it pulls so strong. I dont even understand the pull

Why do I love you? 

When I look at you I know why. I see it on your face. The stupid silly crazy weird ass faces you make. If I actually type out what I like about you then I will never get over you so i wont but Fuck, I love you.

I’ll say it again, as Ive typed endelessly: that love will change. I know it can never go away. It’s too strong. Forcing it away will only transform it to hate and that cant happen. So the sacrifice is me, bending my heart. It’s funny because it is usually our hearts that save us from the pain. That wrap us up in love and good feelings and content. Shielding us from the sometimes wayward ways of the mind. Nothing can hold the heart but itself. The heart has to heal on its own.