dd writes stuff

But you must not blame him. After all, he was nothing like the girl, the girl born in May

On this very night when you decided to let me go

Ah! So you did what you sought to do You’ve mangled me beyond repair I am drowning in shame And I will never be the same! This humiliation has sliced me in two And my insides have spilled at your feet But you cannot have my heart! You may have noticed I took it back By the trail of my blood from your home to mine Do not bother following it And do not bother missing it! My heart was always meant to come home And I will mend it alone

In June I feel like a kid again. The sun rests on my arm while I’m driving with the window down, but it’s June and I haven’t felt the sun in so many months, so I leave it there until the gentle warmth turns to an uncomfortable heat. I don’t move my arm even though I know I’ll get sunburnt. These days they all say to hide from the sun and I say God forbid my sun kissed cheeks welcome a few new spots and wrinkles by the end of August. The signs of a summer enjoyed; a summer lived. The signs that remind me, even though I’m aging and my summers look entirely different than they did twenty years ago, I am still a kid underneath these long work days, family disputes, break ups and make ups, bills and responsibilities. I’m still a kid who yearns for sticky hands from holding a soft serve ice cream for too long, for blistered soles from spending too much time running through the neighbourhood streets, for a summer that leaves me more exhausted than rested because it was a summer enjoyed, and a summer lived. So don’t blame me if by June I’m a little more curious, a little more playful, a little more reckless. It’s June and I feel like a kid again; I feel like myself again. 

Your memory presses down against me until my longing heaves from my chest and I’m left coughing up your name without a moment of relief But why can’t I seem to empty myself of you? You’ve taken hold of my subconscious, too because even these dreams are infested and I wake up feeling wretched, retching only thoughts of you

You kiss me and I forget every way you've wronged me Yet I still taste the tequila on your tongue Thirty days without drinking sounds more like a performance than a promise And baby you are so good at performing Was it the performance of your lifetime when you told me we were building one together? And were you performing when you said you’d take it easy on the drinking? We know easy for you isn't easy for me Because only a few weeks later I’m up waiting for you to put down the beer and pick up the phone But the bar’s doors were wide open So of course you strode right in like you do between my legs after you’ve spewed your best lies They tell me broken men have the sweetest tongues So that means I only have myself to blame because I'm the one pouring my heart out But they’re the ones handing the shots out The easiest choice you've ever made

I couldn't tell you how it happened if his lightning struck my soul or if his thunder shook my core either way I was hit either way there are pieces of me all over this floor Please watch your step! I think they came from my heart and I may need them for later although I haven't decided just yet

The difference between what you said and what I heard is that I saw your eyes on the door as your fingers loosened their grip on mine and the smell of salt filled the air Yeah, I know I’ll be just fine These tears are part of saying goodbye Even if that’s not what you said But you're leaving either way I guess that’s the difference then and pretty much all I heard

The space between us is like a pause between heartbeats like a rest on my sheet music like a breath amidst sobs Why did you come back to fill this space when you promised to stay away? I don't think I can walk away once more possibly because your foot is wedged between the frame and my door and you're pleading for me to keep it open like the space between something and nothing like the space between loving and leaving like the space between you and me

My heart doesn’t follow rules You could easily trick me with your words I’ll feel it, believe it You’ll see that and reach out to twist it I wouldn’t even notice the first knot Where does my heart begin or end? Only you’d know and then you’ll toss it back when you’re done with it But won’t you help me untangle this mess you made? That wasn’t one of your rules, you’d say Oh, I forgot I didn’t make any So you did as you pleased and I’m left here twisted and seized with a heart that didn’t follow any rules

So yeah, I guess that makes me human.

And even on days when the sky is covered in grey, they trust there is something left for them

The flower was dead And I still watered it What does that tell you About the love I have to give? About the hope I still hold? About my inability to let go? You want me to toss out the pot Fine. What about the next one? Don’t you think I’ll drown that one too? But you tell me I need to be patient That love can grow in quiet spaces And I need to wait for it to show me a new leaf Because it’s growing, you say, even down at the roots And what if the roots are rotting and I just can’t see? And what if they’re not? You say: What if you wait to see what’s above the soil? Let the roots prove their strength Let the roots prove that you don’t have to die with them

Tonight I say goodbye to this home Where I blossomed, Where I wilted, and finally, Where I bloomed.

I know she has a hard time with love, and herself She feels like she's never had it Everyone is so lucky she whispers, late at night with no one to wipe her tears away I want to tell her: You're beautiful, you know? But she never listens I hear people wonder the same They tell her: Darling, you have it all But they know better than I do they know she never listens I'm sorry, she can't hear it Frustrated, I cry: Why don't you believe them? Because there's no one here to love me, she cries back So please tell me, how can I make her believe it? I'm thinking of ways to make her see it Every day she looks in the mirror and I tell her: I love you, please accept it But she rolls her eyes and walks away Fine, I'll tell her again tomorrow and the day after that, if I need to until she listens until she believes it

I have to let you go now I know, I know But where did the time go? It’s December now Did you know? Last December it was all a different hue Last December you said I love you And you knew what you did to me You knew, you knew Now a new December has come I’m crying for the sun Some warmth on my skin And your touch again But you’re gone now I know, I know December told me so

Remember when I told you that we met two Augusts ago? You said okay like it was the most insignificant thing you ever heard. But you saw it in my eyes, the way you let me down. So you kissed me on the forehead and changed the topic. Two weeks later you promised to never text me again. This isn’t fair to you, you told me. I said okay like I believed you. And now, two months later, I’m listening to your voicemail begging me to message you back. Well fuck, is that how this goes? Maybe you should’ve cared, like I cared, about meeting two summers ago. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. I lose anyway. Because it’ll take you two new girls to forget me. And it’ll take me two more Augusts to let you go.